Positive Parenting Solutions Review

I recently participated in a FREE one hour Positive Parenting Solutions webinar. As a recovering pessimist, I must admit it made me less of a skeptic. Amy McCready is a business professional who took her experiences creating training programs for Fortune 500 to create a positive parenting paradigm shift with her two teenage boys. Though she used to nag and raise her voice, she’s now the creator of Positive Parenting Solutions.

I invite you to try it if you’re at all interested: https://www.positiveparentingsolutions.com/new-free-webinars. I also want to tell you what I learned in hopes that it may help you.

Why kids really misbehave (based on Adlerian Psychology): Kids have a hard-wired need for attention and power.

I understand and believe in this concept. Think about it. Think about what it means.

If mealtime has become a power struggle for you, Katie of Kitchen Stewardship has some sanity-saving tips in her webinar. She'll tell you not to be a short order cook, but here's a post about a guilt-free adaptation to that sound parenting advice.

Going into the Positive Parenting Solutions Webinar

I hoped the solutions from this webinar would allow for soften-spoken, repeated reminders. (My child cannot tell time so she still needs reminders sometimes.) As a singer I am very careful to avoid shouting and harsh tones. My husband and I try at all costs to avoid giving attention to negative behaviors; we always have. But I know we toe the line between nagging and accountability.
Throughout the beginning of the presentation I felt like she was preaching to the choir. Due to parenting adaptations made in the past year, I was pleasantly surprised to notice that we have been practicing “positive parenting” at our house. Rather than feeling like I could tune out, I thought of new and deeper applications for the principles that rang true to me.

Know the Bitter to Know the Sweet

I know that misbehavior isn’t limited by age. Both my personality and my child’s have characteristics that fuel our power struggles. I know I am prone to lecturing and am overly sensitive to changes in body language and tone of voice. My child and I are both still learning to negotiate her two need buckets: Attention and Power.

Photo shamelessly recreated from webinar slides

Our family's vicious cycle looks different than the stairway of ask, remind, repeat, and escalate in one key way: We rarely have the adult tantrums at the end of the stairway. Instead we have inconsistent flare ups of wrong behavior on both sides.

It took me a year to rid myself of consistently feeling overwhelmed as a parent. (If you regularly care for children and are never overwhelmed, send me a message so I can learn your ways.) Part of the solution was therapy for my other life challenges; part of it was having a kindergartner instead of a toddler. My now 6 year old regularly tells us after (and sometimes during) her frustration meltdowns that she doesn’t feel in control of her life or listened to. We calmly tell her that we were purposely ignoring her rudeness and invite her to use a kinder, clearer tone. We point out what we think she was trying to communicate and that by choosing X she also chose Y. I'm still working to reinforce my faith in our inherent goodness and ability to make right choices.

Are Time Outs Ever Okay?

For us they are.

Banishment to her bedroom aka Time Out happens when my daughter's behavior turns violent. And yes, sometimes this happens even when it's not a power struggle. Rather than have a melt down myself, this less-stressed mama goes to her own barricaded bedroom. After the stewing and occasional power struggling is disengaged, we talk. I would add that getting on the same page with my husband has made a huge difference in this area (his strength, my weakness.)

1-2-3, Trust in Me

Amy discouraged counting down, but we do it a bit differently. We count down with whole numbers to let our daughter (and other children we regularly care for) know the difference between an on-time choice and one that will cost privileges. For example, if she gets ready for the day quickly she has time to play before catching the school bus. This is something we hope to age out of eventually. In meantime, I stick to this using this real life math problem.

We have chosen as a family natural (sometimes enhanced) consequences for frequent negative behaviors. This concept is at the core of the Love and Logic Philosophy. It also makes counting down a less emotional experience.

When it comes to bribery, I do occasionally reward my daughter and Sunday School students for good behavior, just as a reward myself. A treat after lunch because we survived a long morning of running errands. A class party at my house. Because it's not consistent it's not expected, and the moment such rewards felt like rights they would disappear.

Left: Enjoying Mommy-Daughter Date to the deli downstairs after a hectic yet productive morning.

5 R’s of rock-star consequences (adapted from Jane Nelsen, Ed. D and H. Stephen Glenn, Ph. D)

1. RESPECTFUL to all involved
2. RELATED to the misbehavior (see the Love and Logic curriculum)
3. REASONABLE in duration
4. REVEALED IN ADVANCE

• State the concern or problem. “I’ve noticed that we’re having issues with...”
• State the expected behavior in the form of a choice.
• Reveal the consequence: “I’m sure we won’t have an issue with this, but if you choose___ then ____.”

5. REPEATED BACK TO YOU

• Won’t repeat back? Not mature enough for that privilege.

Bottom line

This webinar was a great diagnostic tool for me. It was a taste test for a particular flavor of a large toolbox for parenting. I was more receptive to the ideas presented than I have been in the past. I was able to find what already works for me and learn new things.

The best new thing I learned is to acknowledge a poor choice with, “I am sorry for your choice, and I have confidence that you’ll choose wisely next time.”

How do you inspire confidence in those around you? What about confidence in yourself?