Perfection Pending: Learning From Life's Broken Moments

This morning at the bus stop Victoria told me, "I don't like it when you talk like that." I asked her whether she was referring to my use of the adjective broken or my tone of voice and she without looking at me she replied, "Both."

Disclaimer: While I try to only apply the label broken to myself, it sometimes is one I use in front of my daughter when we are both upset so that one or both of us are knowingly thinking thoughts and making choices that don't serve us. 

"You know the scriptures use the word broken so I'm okay with using it but I will try to only ever use it in a pleasant, calm tone of voice." 

Second disclaimer: In the future I will try to never use broken to describe anyone since there are similar labels that can serve us better. More on that in a minute.

I feel like the word broken is offensive to many people. But God requires us to be broken. How many times in the scriptures do we read the phrase "a broken heart and a contrite spirit"? It turns out that brokenness is involved before getting into heaven so my dear sweet daughter, please don't be offended if I use broken to describe either of us. There are so many things that can be broken about us. But that doesn't mean that it's permanent or that we're somehow inferior. It means that we're in a position to realize just how much we need God! Brokenness will be my companion and yours in this life but when we recognize it as the opportunity for God's grace to change us, in that moment we are becoming unbroken and saved beings.

Evidence of The Fall

If you're feeling uncomfortable with the word broken consider these similar thoughts from my dear friend Summer Harper:
I think it's a cool concept and it actually made me think of a similar word which is also scriptural but would maybe serve me personally better: fallen. We're in a "fallen world" and we have these fallen, less-than bodies. But I don't think it does the emotional heart-wrenching of broken... I never thought of the word broken. I see where it's in the scriptures. I think that before meditating on it, it isn't a word that serves me but it's cool that it serves you. As for telling it to a child, I would make sure not that they don't just simply understand it but that they can see it and understand it from the perspective of the scriptures. But as far as my kids and using the word broken, they're going to think "worthless and not good." Because when a toy breaks we through it away. We get rid of it [because] we don't keep broken things. At least, that's the way we've structured our home and the way I think they would first thing of it. And fallen isn't a word my kids would associate with anything else so I could teach them that principle. And even if they may not grasp it at first, they're not going to associate it with something else that's commonly used [in a negative way.] 

The last time I intuitively ate lunch: apple and cheese
quesadilla on GF spinach wrap with GF chicken nuggets.

I am broken and fallen. I've been feeling less broken in that I am overcoming my battles with anxiety and depression; and I feel hopeful that our secondary infertility is not meant to be a permanent battle. But I am broken because intuitive eating is something that doesn't consistently exist in my world. While I wouldn't say that I have anorexia anymore, I would say that I am currently suffering from "disordered eating" as some therapists call it. And it makes it hard to take care of my body. But I still try to love my body. I'm not not eating because I'm self conscious about the shape or weight of my body. I'm not eating because I don't know how to process the stimuli around me. I am making food a lower priority because there are more pressing things on my mind right now, so my fallen body refuses to let me prepare, eat, or otherwise enjoyably digest food. And that makes me feel broken. And I'm okay with that.

It's not something I'm going to accept lying down and not doing anything about. But I am accepting of it. Which is the first step in being able to choose to change. This also allows me to continue living a life that's worth living! I have the choice to not stay fallen but rather be lifted by the grace of God as I try to make better choices and rise above any less-than-ideal circumstances.

Redeemed by Grace

When people are thinking and acting in ways that don't serve themselves or anyone else, I can still believe in their potential for perfection. Their lives are worth living and if they're not living up to their potential that is between them and God. I too have the potential to be perfect! Speaking as the scriptures do, we all liven in a fallen world with fallen bodies. "For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive." 1 Corinthians 15:22 "For Adam fell that men might be; and men are that they might have joy." 2 Nephi 2:25.

Let me give you a few more examples of perfection-pending moments from my life.

Feeling Frustration

I feel like my daughter doesn't get frustrated often but when she does, it's often a big deal because she doesn't know how to process it and isn't open to suggestions. In those moments especially, I feel like I'm failing her as a mom when I see her failing to work through her emotions. But I need to remember that that's. Her. Choice. It is perfectly fine for me to leave the room when she's screaming and crying, so that I can hang on to my sanity and positive vibrations. I would like to eventually learn how to model other ways of working through uncomfortable feelings for when you cannot leave but for now, we're both still in our emotional childhood, learning and growing together. So of course emotional moments are going to feel messy and big.

Me nearly 8 years ago, waiting to give birth to my daughter

Summer suggested in response to my desire to learn other ways of processing uncomfortable emotions when you can't leave to think of it like the labor and delivery of a child. That is something the really resonated with me and was a connection I immediately made to her initial thoughts but one that she made for herself later on in our conversation. "That's when you simply feel it. You don't have to do a model on it. You just sit there and feel it and it feels like whatever emotion...and you can close your eyes if you want. Kind of like when you're in labor! You can't avoid it. You're experiencing it but you need to just feel it and let it process, you know?"

Learning from Acceptance

In the midst of writing these realizations my phone went off to let me know that it's lunch time and I thought, "Oh really? Because I'm still finishing breakfast. Hmm, I guess it's going to be one of those days." I found myself in a conversation with myself.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean one of those I-am-still-finishing-breakfast-but-I-guess-I'll-start-lunch-now kind of days."

I didn't beat myself up for losing track of time to the point of not noticing my body's needs. I also didn't deny that it's wrong to starve myself. Instead of there being any judgement, negativity, or guilt there was acceptance. And that's a beautiful new thing for me. I could then move onto thoughts like, "Well, I'm still feeling tired and hungry and a bit unmotivated. Okay, well let's do something about that."

In conclusion I offer us this pearl of wisdom from Patricia T. Holland: "We must have the courage to be imperfect while striving for perfection."

What evidences of the Fall are you working with in your life and how are you doing that?

68 Days until General Conference!

Does anyone else periodically flick through their journal? I have one spiral bound notebook I use to take notes during Sunday meetings, daily gospel study, and especially general conference. While living in Illinois I took the Teachings of the Living Prophets course each time it was offered. The first part of the course gives guidelines for how to prepare for and then study general conference so we can not just "go to conference" but have conference go through us! Each 6 months the class changed because we studied new talks. One of the study skills I learned here was a reminder of something Elder David A. Bednar taught at the Rexburg Idaho temple dedication. He said that while it is a good and common practice to go to the temple with a question, it is even better to go to the temple asking the Lord to help us discover what one question He would have us ask. So I bring my questions and concerns to general conference but also keep a prayer in my heart that my one new question will be revealed. I also mark specific talks or partial quotes and scriptures that I feel I need to restudy for more general reasons.

As I was reviewing my notes from this past general conference I noticed that while I did a good job coming up with pondering questions and concerns then marking talks and impressions that addressed them, I also wrote down and marked goals in the margins. The problems is that of my 13 goals I have only consciously worked on half of them and only completed four. I haven't really been holding myself accountable for most of these goals and it's only 68 days until the next one! 

Goals

1. You're doing great but keep focusing on ways to be a missionary by worshiping and witnessing of Christ. (Elder Bangeter's talk)
2. I need to repair and maintain my eternal relationships as a mother, daughter, and sister. (Elder Oak's talk)
3. Eat your spiritual vegetables by losing yourself in ministering to others. (Elder D. Todd Christofferson)
4. Study all of President Nelson's past general conference talks like Bishop Davies did.
5. Accomplished goal: Have a FHE complete with chocolate cake to review Sister Franco's talk about serving the Lord without reservation.
6. Accomplished goal: Fast from social media and negative influences for 10 days, recording inspiration and priority shifts.
7. Accomplished goal: Read the Book of Mormon before the end of the year, highlighting references to Christ and being more intentional in talking of and rejoicing in Christ.
8. Go to the temple monthly!
9. Enjoy Relief Society more by studying its purpose statement; try writing your own. (the final of President Nelson's four challenges)
10. Improve all ministering aspects of my life by walking into the moment in love and listening without judgement (thought work/therapy really helps with this.)
11. Heal/tend to any scars that are corroding my peace.
12. In addition to prophetically prescribed Book of Mormon study, read Joseph Smith's testimony of the book to help more fully be a part of the gathering of Israel. (Elder Bowen's talk)
13. Accomplished goal (at Christmas): Ponder Christ's miracles to increase you faith in Him.

So I have only consciously worked on 7 out of these 13 goals in the past 3 months! While I completed goal number seven was inspired my sister, Lizzy's Facebook post reporting on her experiences and completion of President Nelson's Book of Mormon challenge. Now I want to try reading the Book of Mormon before we move and write a sticky note for each chapter of ways I came to know my Savior better. This will also help me be more committed to my Book of Mormon Institute class readings.

Talks to restudy

President Nelson's closing remarks and Saturday evening talk
Sister Joy J. Jones' talk
Elder D. Todd Christofferson's talk on double-mindedness
Elder Rasband's promised blessings (I reread this the morning of my Grandpa Eaton's funeral because that's where my bookmark was in reviewing the talks one by one.

Scriptures to Study

D&C 138
"the cause of Christ"
Future FHE: What does it mean to take upon us the name of Christ?
Future FHE lesson on "what do you fear?" (see Elder Rasband's talk)

My pondering questions and concerns were:

1. How can I have more compassion in my family and in my calling in Primary?
2. How can we improve the consistency of our fHE habits?
3. How can we better missionaries?
4. Where should we go when we are done with our post doc? Stay or go? How and when?
5. How can we grow our family? On a related note, how do I improve my immediate and long-term health?

What I'm Learning as I Try to Follow the Prophet

A prophet of God recently advised women to "participate in a 10-day fast from social media and from any other media that bring negative and impure thoughts to your mind. Pray to know which influences to remove during your fast." He also invited us to go to the temple, read the Book of Mormon by the end of the year, and study the purpose statement of Relief Society.

I knew that I didn't want my fast to be a strict, letter-of-the-law avoidance of social media and I realized that in praying to know which influences to remove during my fast, the Spirit might whisper a different answer to me than to others. I knew therefore that it wasn't my place to shame anyone who seemed to be doing their fast "wrong" or not doing it all. I knew it would and should be something of a sacrifice for me. Unlike a few others, I wasn't at all bothered by the timing of it because I don't think social media is a reliable place to obtain information about political candidates in the first place. 

Halfway through my fast I got quite sick and couldn't do much physically for several days; normally this would be a time of wasting my precious energy scrolling through online accounts. Instead I made note of the following lessons:

• First, I reach for social media when I am bored and/or want a distraction from the moment.
• Despite having low energy yet trying to avoid my default setting of being hyper motivated to get things done, I have been more productive overall--and less overwhelmed--about by all the things that need doing regardless of whether they get done.

  

  Example of productivity: we built Victoria a loft bed as a family! (I'm one several medications in this picture.)

• Ranking social media sites: Pinterest is far less detrimental than Facebook for me. While I do waste time sometimes on Pinterest, it is far more positive than Facebook and my news feed has fewer surprises. I am also avoiding YouTube and Netflix, which has been more challenging for me than Facebook.
            
                        

• Staying connected: There are a few people for whom Facebook messenger is my only means of contact. We use it like private email. I don't see a problem with that continuing. I also know that support groups on Facebook can be an invaluable necessity for a wide variety of struggles.
• Apparently many people are wondering when is it going to be the men's turn to receive this challenge. Several of my adult friends participated in the youth's invitation to fast. If you want to follow the prophet then do as the Holy Spirit directs you to! Also, I wish people would remember that there were 3 other tasks we were given by the prophet.

After reading the response of one friend who lost her newborn daughter to death, I admired her decision to share her thought processes regarding this challenge and was inspired to share my own. I conclude by sharing a parts of her response with her permission: 

I still used fb, wrote a couple Olivia letters, sought help & encouraged others in my grief groups. I reminded some women who were feeling abandoned by God that He does love us even when our lives are unbelievably hard. I will probably continue my fast & spend less time on fb because I did see almost immediate benefits from it.

Now to my point. Today someone finished her fast & felt the need to comment just what I said I didn't need.

It made me feel like crap...

Instead of typing what I want to her, I'm trying to turn my ugly feelings into a positive reminder that we should always think before we say something to others about how we perceive they're following God's word. We don't know what they're going through, & we don't know if what we say might be the thing that just makes them give up...

The path that I am walking is often lonely, full of thorns, & a lot of tears. As I have been on this path it has helped me see other's more clearly. Their path is hard too. I'm sure this woman really did feel like having to find other things to do while she was up at 2 am feeding a baby was a sacrifice. I am sure she is exhausted. I am sure her intent wasn't to make me feel terrible. But I am going to try a lot harder to keep my thoughts about how others are choosing to follow God to myself.

By fasting I learned for myself one of the beautiful points she makes here: I am going to try a lot harder to keep my thoughts about how others are choosing to follow God to myself. Instead I'll try to show loving support in person and online to everyone I meet. That's what I learned from her example and from following the prophet.

What is something you've learned as you've followed the prophet?

I Have A Dream: Hypoallergenic Pastry

I've been using the free My Fitness Pal app to help evaluate my physical diet for the past 3 months.  It's sort of a marriage between understanding what I need and what I want. 
https://www.myfitnesspal.com/account/login

I have learned that for my overall health (physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual) I need to learn to dream. And not just the kind that happens when I'm sorting things out in my sleep.

In January we celebrated the legacy of a man with a dream, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. We celebrated tolerance and compassion. And in February, I wrote about another false dichotomy--healthy comfort food--over at Kitchen Stewardship.

Throughout the years I have learned much from my relationship with food. But recently I learned some important life lessons from baking:

1. Life's not ideal, and that's great!
2. Preparation is different than prevention.
3. Check your temperature: do you need more heat or do you need to chill?

I came to these important realizations while learning to make eclairs. Pictured here are virgin pina colada (lime curd, coconut whipped cream, toasted coconut flakes, and vanilla lime flavored marbled fondant,) pink lemonade (lemon curd, coconut whipped cream, candied citrus and pink lemon glaze,) chocolate citrus (lemon curd, coconut whipped cream, candied citrus and chocolate ganache,) and chocolate berry cream (seedless raspberry jam, coconut whipped cream, and chocolate ganache.)

Depending on how you fill them they're not a sugary dessert and they're surprisingly easy to make hypoallergenic! I began by starting with Glutenista's Gluten-free eclair recipe, studying her troubleshooting tips, and watching tutorials by Mary Berry and several others online.

Missing Ingredients Doesn't Mean Missing Out

Ideally, I knew what the pitfalls were and how to avoid them. I was on my way to perfect, hypoallergenic eclairs! Or so I thought.

I thought I followed the recipe exactly, but I knew something was wrong with the pastry batter. I hurried to watch another step by step tutorial and reread the troubleshooting tips. I added a little flour and tried to chill the batter, but it was obvious I wouldn't be able to bake the dough as directed.

Wracking my brain for scientific reasons why this bake wasn't behaving as it should, I discovered a small yet significant mistake: no xanthan gum.

Because I bake gluten-free whenever possibly, some delicacies are difficult to make without a little ingenuity and help from science. Xanthan gum helps give structure and elasticity to gluten-free dough so one can enjoy things like pizza crust, pasta, and yes, even eclairs. I bought the fool-proof gluten-free baking flour from King Arthur flour and I thought it had failed me for the first time. But it was I who forgot the significance of 3 tiny words on the box: no xanthan gum.

I quickly whipped up a half batch of batter with xanthan gum and it did much better. I was also careful to pay closer attention to its temperature while whisking in the eggs.

Sometimes we go through life trying to achieve the ideal results while working with a less-than-ideal situation. When baking it's important to know how long to bake something and at what temperature. Some batters have to be handled only when they've reached a certain temperature. The directions explain ideal conditions.

Knowing why directions are what they are can help a baker figure out necessary adjustments. But sometimes you'll still get stuck with a melted ice cream cake or deflated souffle.

Check Your Temperature

I used to think that if I was prepared enough I could face anything: that if I was prepared for the absolute worst, then it couldn't happen to me.

But part of being prepared for the curve balls in life isn't about preventing them from happening: it's about learning to juggle them. Some awkward moments in life can be avoided or made less uncomfortable with foresight. And sometimes, despite all our studying and best intentions, everything can go horribly wrong.

I have yet to bake anything in my mini doughnut pan that I
don't destroy when I dig it out with a spoon.

 Remember that batter that was just too runny because of its missing ingredient? It turns out that while I couldn't bake it, this batter fried up nicely. I was surprised to find that the answer was to simply turn up the heat. The dough expanded once it made contact with the hot oil. Baking it at 400 F then drying it out at a lower temperature just didn't work. 

Similarly, sometimes I grow most and produce best in life when I've got a bit of a fire lit underneath me. Sometimes we need a bit of extra pressure to reach higher and achieve greater things.

And that second, smaller batch I whipped up? After adding the extra step of putting it in the fridge before finishing the recipe's instructions, I got the delicious results expected. Sometimes in life we've got to just chill. We may already have what we need but be too worked up to make the best of what we've got.

And this isn't just baking talk.

Choose your filling

If you've had the pleasure to watch the episode of The Great British Bake-off, you'll know that there are all kinds of options for flavoring and filling eclairs. Even when limited by your needs, taste preferences, and available ingredients, you're likely still left with several options. There might be more than one "right choice" for you. Different flavors are more satisfying to different people. So find something that leaves you feeling filled. Again this isn't just baking talk.

Ready for the recipe?

My vegan adaptation of Glutenista's eclairs with one extra step can be found here: https://www.kitchenstewardship.com/gluten-dairy-free-pastry/

This Is Me: An Anthem

Confession: I still haven’t seen that new movie, The Greatest Showman. (Nothing against the movie itself; we just rarely go to the theater to watch movies for the first time because it’s much cheaper to rent them and I don’t get migraines that way.)

But like much of the world I have listened to pieces of the soundtrack on repeat.

There are a lot of covers already popping up all over the place and one song in particular caught my ear and my heart. “This is Me” is an anthem of self acceptance and inclusion, a message for the world. But as I listened to several versions (click here to listen to my two favorites,) I heard undertones of a different message.

If I did a music video of this piece It would show a black and white picture of me and then the words would start to pop up. Not the lyrics, but the messages of darkness that sometimes taint my soul: You’re not good enough, etc. It would be something of a mom guilt anthem, of a woman seeking and desperately grasping onto her life’s purpose.

Somewhere on Youtube I watched an interview where the director and lead actors realized that this song would be “an anthem.” I really love that. But the anthem that I hear isn’t one of accepting my faults and confidently telling the world that I’m okay with these imperfections, perceived and otherwise. 

The song in my soul sings a slightly different tune.

I know I have labels that aren’t true; but in the moment, they feel true enough to stick. I know I have imperfections that make me who I am today; but in this song I hear the message of Christ: Come unto Christ and be perfected in him.

I find the acceptance the movie testifies of by knowing who I am yes. But that knowledge comes from my Heavenly Father who sent his son, Jesus Christ to live and die for me. And for you.

Here is what I hear when life's music starts to play:

I am not a stranger to the dark

Hide away, they say,

'Cause we don't want your broken parts.

I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars.

Run away, they say.

No one'll love you as you are.

But I won't let them break me down to dust

I know that there's a place for us

For we are glorious.

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

[Got to shine your light to] drown them out.

[Christ the Lord came to save

So I could be all] I'm meant to be: 

[He saved me.]

Look out 'cause here I come (here I come)

[There’s a place for all in the Lord’s kingdom

Christ the Lord came to save

So we could be all we’re] meant to be: 

[He saved me.]

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Oh-oh-oh-oh 

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Oh-oh-oh-oh 

Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh

Another round of bullets hits my skin

Well, fire away 'cause today, I won't let the shame sink in.

We are bursting through the barricades and

Reaching for the [Son] (we are warriors)

Yeah, that's what we've become (yeah, that's what we've become)

[Repent from sin we must.]

I know that there's a place for us,

For we are glorious. 

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

[I feel your love and it drowns] them out.

[Christ the Lord came to save

So I could be all] I'm meant to be: 

[He saved me.]

[Someday again He’ll come

And with grace He’ll rule in His kingdom.

Christ the Lord came to save

So we could be all we’re] meant to be, [set us free.]

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Oh-oh-oh-oh (He saved me…)

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Oh-oh-oh-oh (He set us free....)

Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

[I will shine your light and] drown them out.

[Christ the Lord came to save

So I could be all] I'm meant to be: [He saved me.]

Positive Parenting Solutions Review

I recently participated in a FREE one hour Positive Parenting Solutions webinar. As a recovering pessimist, I must admit it made me less of a skeptic. Amy McCready is a business professional who took her experiences creating training programs for Fortune 500 to create a positive parenting paradigm shift with her two teenage boys. Though she used to nag and raise her voice, she’s now the creator of Positive Parenting Solutions.

I invite you to try it if you’re at all interested: https://www.positiveparentingsolutions.com/new-free-webinars. I also want to tell you what I learned in hopes that it may help you.

Why kids really misbehave (based on Adlerian Psychology): Kids have a hard-wired need for attention and power.

I understand and believe in this concept. Think about it. Think about what it means.

If mealtime has become a power struggle for you, Katie of Kitchen Stewardship has some sanity-saving tips in her webinar. She'll tell you not to be a short order cook, but here's a post about a guilt-free adaptation to that sound parenting advice.

Going into the Positive Parenting Solutions Webinar

I hoped the solutions from this webinar would allow for soften-spoken, repeated reminders. (My child cannot tell time so she still needs reminders sometimes.) As a singer I am very careful to avoid shouting and harsh tones. My husband and I try at all costs to avoid giving attention to negative behaviors; we always have. But I know we toe the line between nagging and accountability.
Throughout the beginning of the presentation I felt like she was preaching to the choir. Due to parenting adaptations made in the past year, I was pleasantly surprised to notice that we have been practicing “positive parenting” at our house. Rather than feeling like I could tune out, I thought of new and deeper applications for the principles that rang true to me.

Know the Bitter to Know the Sweet

I know that misbehavior isn’t limited by age. Both my personality and my child’s have characteristics that fuel our power struggles. I know I am prone to lecturing and am overly sensitive to changes in body language and tone of voice. My child and I are both still learning to negotiate her two need buckets: Attention and Power.

Photo shamelessly recreated from webinar slides

Our family's vicious cycle looks different than the stairway of ask, remind, repeat, and escalate in one key way: We rarely have the adult tantrums at the end of the stairway. Instead we have inconsistent flare ups of wrong behavior on both sides.

It took me a year to rid myself of consistently feeling overwhelmed as a parent. (If you regularly care for children and are never overwhelmed, send me a message so I can learn your ways.) Part of the solution was therapy for my other life challenges; part of it was having a kindergartner instead of a toddler. My now 6 year old regularly tells us after (and sometimes during) her frustration meltdowns that she doesn’t feel in control of her life or listened to. We calmly tell her that we were purposely ignoring her rudeness and invite her to use a kinder, clearer tone. We point out what we think she was trying to communicate and that by choosing X she also chose Y. I'm still working to reinforce my faith in our inherent goodness and ability to make right choices.

Are Time Outs Ever Okay?

For us they are.

Banishment to her bedroom aka Time Out happens when my daughter's behavior turns violent. And yes, sometimes this happens even when it's not a power struggle. Rather than have a melt down myself, this less-stressed mama goes to her own barricaded bedroom. After the stewing and occasional power struggling is disengaged, we talk. I would add that getting on the same page with my husband has made a huge difference in this area (his strength, my weakness.)

1-2-3, Trust in Me

Amy discouraged counting down, but we do it a bit differently. We count down with whole numbers to let our daughter (and other children we regularly care for) know the difference between an on-time choice and one that will cost privileges. For example, if she gets ready for the day quickly she has time to play before catching the school bus. This is something we hope to age out of eventually. In meantime, I stick to this using this real life math problem.

We have chosen as a family natural (sometimes enhanced) consequences for frequent negative behaviors. This concept is at the core of the Love and Logic Philosophy. It also makes counting down a less emotional experience.

When it comes to bribery, I do occasionally reward my daughter and Sunday School students for good behavior, just as a reward myself. A treat after lunch because we survived a long morning of running errands. A class party at my house. Because it's not consistent it's not expected, and the moment such rewards felt like rights they would disappear.

Left: Enjoying Mommy-Daughter Date to the deli downstairs after a hectic yet productive morning.

5 R’s of rock-star consequences (adapted from Jane Nelsen, Ed. D and H. Stephen Glenn, Ph. D)

1. RESPECTFUL to all involved
2. RELATED to the misbehavior (see the Love and Logic curriculum)
3. REASONABLE in duration
4. REVEALED IN ADVANCE

• State the concern or problem. “I’ve noticed that we’re having issues with...”
• State the expected behavior in the form of a choice.
• Reveal the consequence: “I’m sure we won’t have an issue with this, but if you choose___ then ____.”

5. REPEATED BACK TO YOU

• Won’t repeat back? Not mature enough for that privilege.

Bottom line

This webinar was a great diagnostic tool for me. It was a taste test for a particular flavor of a large toolbox for parenting. I was more receptive to the ideas presented than I have been in the past. I was able to find what already works for me and learn new things.

The best new thing I learned is to acknowledge a poor choice with, “I am sorry for your choice, and I have confidence that you’ll choose wisely next time.”

How do you inspire confidence in those around you? What about confidence in yourself?

"Trust in the Lord, and whatsoever things He say unto you: do it."

This blog post really spoke to me and said some of the same things I wanted to address in this post.

Lately the Lord has invited me to do some things that are unexpected, feel big. And frankly, I'm not even quite sure how to accomplish them. Do you know that feeling? Whether it is understanding our infertility, preparing for our second cross-country move, or applying for graduate school after a decade of not being a student, I've got a bundle of blessings on my plate that I cannot quite wrap my head around. I tried to phrase some of these concerns as questions or statements and then bring them to the Lord this past weekend. I got some deeply personal answers and would like to share a bit more with you in hopes of encouraging you on your journey of faith.

During Elder L. Whitney Clayton's talk I got up to go to the bathroom. When I returned, the first full sentence I caught upon reentering the chapel nearly stopped me in my tracks: it was an answer to every single one of my pondering questions/concerns! This bittersweet experience was made all the more memorable when my 5 year old noticed my briefly saddened face: 

"Mommy, why are you sad?" she asked.

Taking her in my lap I thanked God for this teaching moment before explaining, "I just got an answer to one of my pondering questions. I am happy because I have an answer and I know it is from God. But I am sad because it isn't the answer I wanted."

Whether you prepared for Conference far in advance or not, I invite you to ponder and learn with me today as we consider several scriptural accounts of obedience and apply key principles to our lives so our faith can grow and help us better endure as disciples of Christ.

First Scriptural Example: Mary, the Mother of Jesus

At the risk of overstating the obvious, Mary had faith.  I love trying to embrace in my own life such examples. Comment below with what other characters from history/ the scriptures have inspired you through their faithful obedience despite not knowing how to do what was asked of them. As I seek to mimic the faith of Mary and countless others, it has helped me to cling to the belief that "I [can] go and do what the Lord has commanded, for [like Nephi,] I know the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men save he shall prepare a way for them, that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them."

Elder L. Whitney Clayton began by commenting on Mary's faith. "She committed herself without exactly understanding why He was asking that of her or how things would work out." This praise for Mary, the mother of Jesus, should be considered attainable praise for all disciples of Christ. Obviously none of us are being asked to give birth to and raise the Only Begotten Son, but each of us has eternal errands to perform. God has warned us that His ways are not our ways, so it follows that we often may not understand entirely what is being asked of us. This lack of understanding need not however, constitute a lack of obedience or trust on our part. 

So how do we conceive and maintain such faith? I love what the Bible Dictionary says on prayer:

         "Prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into 

         correspondence with each other...[It] is a form of work and is an appointed means for obtaining 

         the highest of all blessings." 

Elder Clayton further taught, "When we decide to do whatsoever God sayeth unto us, we earnestly commit to align our everyday behavior with God's will. Such simple acts of faith as studying the scriptures daily, fasting regularly, and praying with real intent, deepen our well of spiritual capacity to meet the demands of mortality." I have felt the truth of this countless times in my life; this work is a constant part of growing my testimony as well as part of its foundation.

Exercise #1: Fill Your Soul With Faith

In what ways can we faithfully "fill up our own water pots to brim" so that "like water to wine, our lives [will be] transformed"?      

Elder Clayton suggested an answer to this question: "Those who are deliberate about doing the small and simple things--obeying in seemingly little ways--are blessed with strength and faith that go far beyond the acts of obedience themselves. It may seem hard to draw a connection between the basic, daily acts of obedience and the big, complicated problems we face, but they are related." 

Have you ever "committed [yourself] without exactly understanding why He was asking that of [you] or how things would work out"? What helped you endure the lack of answers as you waited upon the Lord? 

My deepened well of gracious strength has brought me peace throughout my life, including now; Elder Clayton bore similar testimony. Obviously these are personal questions but I'd love to have your feedback even if it isn't here in the comments below.

Second Scriptural Example of Faith: Naaman

Elder Clayton then told the story of Naaman, captain of the Syrian army and a leper, who was miraculously healed by the prophet Elisha. Now you probably don't have leprosy. But like me you may have notable challenges beyond your own ability to solve. Naaman's reaction to the prophetic counsel he received reminds me of when the Israelites had to chose to look up at the brass serpent their prophet held in order to be healed. This small act had significant consequences."Small acts of faith, even when they seem insignificant or entirely disconnected from the specific problems that vex us, bless us in all we do." Whatever one's current challenge may be, small and simple acts of faith are the closet thing we have to a one-size-fits-all solution. (see Exercise #1: fill your soul with faith.) I am so grateful to already be feeling this solution at work in my life as I ponder my plate of incomprehensible blessings.

Later on in his talk Elder Clayton taught,"[God] cautions us that we shouldn't expect easy answers or quick fixes from Heaven. Things work out when we stand firm in the trial of our faith, however hard that test may be to endure and however slow the answers may be in coming." A second lesson I treasure from pondering this familiar Old Testament tale is God's timing and how my willingness effects it. Sometimes I delay the effectiveness of a solution by not fully committing to promptings I don't fully understand. Sometimes I feel obediently committed in an instant and yet still find myself wanting answers. Instead of removing a trying experience, God may "solve" your problem by providing you with peace, insight, or empathy. I have definitely felt His promised strength in a myriad of ways. 

Shortest Verses in All of Scripture
Recently my brother wrote us from his mission in Arizona. Jonathan "found this little passage in 1 Thessalonians 5, which contains 4 of the shortest scriptures in all of the standard works.

16 Rejoice evermore.
17 Pray without ceasing.
19 Quench not the Spirit.
20 Despise not prophesyings.

It's interesting that all of those themes are still alive and well today in the counsel from our living prophets and apostles. So that's my invitation for you: find joy, regardless of your circumstances; pray always; don't do anything that would drive the Spirit away; and follow the prophet. That's a sure-fire recipe for success!"

Point of Perspective: Lessons from Life's Eternal Moments

When upon life's billows you are tempest-tossed,

When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,

Count your many blessings; name them one by one,

And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

Faith, hope, and charity grant us a more compassionate and complete perspective of our past, our present, and our future. Loving Christ and loving like Him (for ourselves and others) is what it means to me to have faith, hope, and charity. Thinking of these 3 eternal principles as they apply to these lyrics:

When upon life's billows you are

Sometimes life is just hard. It's not anyone's fault and there isn't much you may be able to do to alleviate your circumstances. But even in these uncomfortable shadows, faith fuels the light of Christ which fuels the flame of hope. Charity can soften and sweeten the bitterness always, but especially in these times.

Thinking all is lost

I have faith, hope, and charity when I can recognize in the midst of a storm that perhaps all is not lost. People can change, life's circumstances rearrange, and the atonement makes it so nothing is truly lost.

Count your many blessings

I have faith and hope when I recognize my blessings in the past and present but especially the future. God keeps His promises!

And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done

Sometimes I struggle to recognize the hand of God in order to keep my faith burning brightly. But more often I struggle to have the charity to see as He sees, to recognize opportunities for growth and embrace them. He often plants within me seeds that won't germinate until exposed to harsher conditions. Much like "forcing a bulb" to bloom in the winter, sometimes my character waits to bloom until it's triggered by the frosty experiences of life. In these moments it is especially important to have enough faith to stop, remember, and recognize, the Lord's presence in my life; when I do this I have more hope and it is easier to have charity.

Years ago President Uchtdorf taught that faith, hope, and charity are like the legs of a 3 legged stool: We need each of them and they work together in such a way that it is difficult to have one without having some of the other two. 

“Hope is one leg of a three-legged stool, together with faith and charity. These three stabilize our lives regardless of the rough or uneven surfaces we might encounter at the time. The scriptures are clear and certain about the importance of hope.” 

In talk with a friend this morning we recognized that sometimes hope burns bright and other times it is a dim flicker. But in both cases it is technically burning. It can be difficult to have hope in a bright future when one's past or present is dark. But one way I know I still have faith in God is when I can feel this treasured gift of the spirit: hope.

What is faith?
I won't take the time here to define faith. Rather I'll give a summarizing quote from a recent sermon from our beloved President Ucthdorf and encourage you to click on the link. I'll be waiting here for you to come back and finish reading :) Feel free to share what you learned!

"Faith is a strong conviction about something we believe, a conviction so strong that it moves us to do something we might not otherwise do. Faith is being sure of what we hope for and being certain of what we do not see....[T]here are more ways to see than with our eyes, more ways to feel than with our hands, more ways to hear than with our ears." 

Faith Hope, and Charity Build Upon Each Other

There are many lessons to be learned about faith, hope, and charity in the story of Peter walking on the water. I'll briefly highlight a few hear as encouragement for you to find your own. Feel free to share in the comments section examples of how faith, hope, and charity build upon each other. It takes faith to believe that this experience really happened of course, but let us delve deeper.

Having faith in Christ and His atonement allows me to be forgiving and compassionate to others and to myself. Having faith and hope as I prayerfully strive to align my will with God's, changes me into a woman who loves and lives more like Christ would if He were in my shoes. This is what it means to me to be a woman of faith, to have these 3 eternal truths resonating in my life. Our beloved, living prophet taught, “In a 100 small ways, all of you wear the mantle of charity." President Monson continued,"May we have the pure love of Christ for our fellow travels in this journey through life. May we recognize that each one is doing her or his best to deal with the challenges which come their way. And may we strive to do our best to help out.”

I especially love the phrase "fervent charity.“To do whatsoever is gentle and human, to cheer and to bless in humanity's name,” as angelic motto for any Christian to adopt. I love the hymn from whence this line comes. While the second verses confirms the title that as sisters in Zion we have a special work to do, the third verse is not limited to our eternally given gender-based roles. May we all exercise faith, hope, and charity as we prepare for General Conference this weekend is my prayer.

How vast is our purpose, how broad is our mission,

If we but fulfill it in spirit and deed.

Oh, naught but the Spirit's divinest tuition

Can give us the wisdom to truly succeed.

2 Nephi: Part Two of What the Book of Mormon Has to Teach About Parenting (and Related Issues)

"My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions..."
                                                                           ~ 2 Nephi 4:20, emphasis added

This phrase really stood out to me this time. In the previous verse we get a flavor of the internal juxtaposition Nephi faces; we get a feeling for how he is experiencing two very different reactions to his trials, sets of emotions that we often think of as not being able to have at the same time. But Nephi shows us otherwise. In verse 19 we read: "And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted."

Here Nephi is feeling "encompassed about" and probably overwhelmed at times by the difficulties he faces on a day to day basis. Note that its not until the fourth verse of his lamenting prayer that he eludes to his murderous family! I don't think that is just because he had a lot of other problems he was facing at the time, though that may be true as well. I think this type of attitude comes from an extremely developed sense of the eternal perspective and caring most about what God thinks.

In verse 19 we read that Nephi is not hopeless. He is obviously feeling discouraged (see verse 17-18), but he does not feel helpless and therefore does not despair. Why? Because he knows in whom he has trusted. It's not just a "Hey, I got this because I trust God." He has a personal relationship with God and that is why he can trust enough to see the Lord's hand even in the midst of his trials. Thus we see that Nephi's faith is truly an anchor to his soul. May it be so for you also.

The word through is interesting to me in verse 20. Through as in a preposition other than over, under, or around? Or through as in Nephi's afflictions were the means by which the Lord led? What do each of these interpretations say about the Lord? And have you seen such applications in your life?

Avoiding Trials
God doesn't guide us throughout our lives in such as way as to avoid trials, though sometimes we do receive that blessing. But as Lehi so eloquently teaches just one chapter previous to this: "There must needs be opposition in all things[!]" I've shared before that a wise man once taught me that it's not hard to notice that we live in a fallen world. I used to feel a bit bitter as I'd catch myself whispering with a sigh at some situations, "Evidence of the Fall..." But I don't have to feel bitter, even in the moments when I'm "encompassed about" by my problems! And neither do you. We can try to adopt the attitude of my toddler (yes, I am suggesting copying my 4 year old's attitude) and look at all challenges as learning opportunities. Some such difficulties truly do come about simply because of the world in which I live, but whether or not your sticky situation is deserved it is still an opportunity to build character by coming closer to God. And personally, some of my trials have felt shorter as I have learned to ask "What am I to learn from this?" instead of "Why me?" or "When will this be over?"

Trials Direct Us Inward and Upward
One of the speakers from Time Out for Women spoke about the 3 looks: Look out, look in, and look up. One doesn't practice these looks in sequential order but rather in a cycle and sometimes even simultaneously. During a hard time in life try looking outward to observe the needs of others and do what you can to help. Then look in a ponder how you're reacting to and what you are learning from this unwanted growing opportunity. Then look upward to God and find ways to draw nearer to Him. Sometimes doing so has led me to be truly grateful for blessings in disguises (that's what I like to call trials.)

Sometimes the Lord leads us to him in less-than-obvious ways. We may be directed through the fertile parts of the wilderness, across a stormy sea, or to spend time with people who don't like us (though with Laman and Lemuel I realize this is an understatement.) As Nephi rattles of a list of ways in which the Lord has blessed him, try to not only figure out which specific events he is describing; try to understand how he feels about these various hard times by recognizing the tone in which he describes these past experiences. Hint: he's probably not just suddenly writing with rose-colored glasses on in the middle of a pity party because he remembered that the world is going to be reading his personal, prophetic journal someday.

• [H]e hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.
• He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh.
• He hath confounded mine enemies, unto the causing of them to quake before me.
• He hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me knowledge by visions in the nighttime.

He goes on to list a few other significant blessings but this list will suffice to make my point. In the first example, Nephi was miraculously instructed to build a boat for his family to reach the Promised Land. Due to the unfortunate choices of others that trip is an eventful one. But as with each of the other examples, Nephi focuses on the actions of one person: God. Doing so drastically simplifies his summation of recent history. I think Nephi's choice--whether a conscious or subconscious one--to focus on the Lord's actions is something he made a habit of doing. Read 1 Nephi and see if you agree. By getting to know the Lord it is easier to have faith in him. One way to get to know people is to see how what they do in a variety of situations, even and especially the less-than-ideal moments.

Challenge this week: Record how you act and feel in your less-than-ideal moments. Study the scriptures to find ways the Lord and/or His servants have continued their work despite their own less-than-ideal circumstances.

The Music of the Gospel: Can You Hear It?

I am certain I am not the only one who at some point in their life has wanted to make someone else do something.  It may be a teacher at school requesting his students to listen, a parent or babysitter teaching the right way to do something--whether or not there always is a "right" way is another series of posts, but yes there often IS a "right" way--I have even noticed this tendency in young children playing together. Because of this seemingly universal challenge and my passion for music, the extended metaphor of this General Conference talk really hit me. It still speaks to me and I know it can and will touch some of you.

          “No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood”—or by 

          virtue of being the dad or the mom or the biggest or the loudest—“only by persuasion, by long-

          suffering, by gentleness and meekness, … by love unfeigned; [and] by kindness” 

          (D&C 121:41–42).

          "[These] are the attributes that tune our hearts to the music of 

          the gospel. When they are present, the dance steps will be 

          performed more naturally and joyfully by all of the dancers in 

          the family, without the need for threats or intimidation or 

          compulsion."

For those of you not familiar with the talk, go ahead and open the link. I'll wait...No seriously.

So what did you think? Many of my friends probably heard it before and if you have, did you remember it? Interesting tangent: picture of Navajo medicine man for reference. I love the power in the metaphor that dancing can help heal and that the medicine man could teach the doctor the steps but not necessarily how to hear the music. Dancing is a joyful expression, a beautiful blending of technique and emotion; this carries weight in the metaphor I think.

Lately I have been praying for the Lord to help me learn compassion. I view this as 

a merciful and nurturing sort of love independent of the recipient's worthiness or desires. I have high standards for myself and others am painfully aware of my default setting of coercion when it comes to "teaching" what is right. (My daughter, Victoria, recently picked up the line, "But you have to let me do this myself or I will never learn...") For the past several months, the Lord has blessed me to be very aware of my feelings and motivations, even in the moment. I am still learning to be temperate but I nevertheless hear the music of the gospel more often than not. But much like a musician wishing to take her musicianship to the next level, the Spirit of the Lord must be present for me to make lasting improvements. That's part of the power of Christ's Atonement.

Returning to Elder Wilford W. Andersen's talk, 

          If early efforts at making music seem dissonant and discordant, remember that dissonance 

          cannot be corrected by criticism. Dissonance in the home is like darkness 

          in a room. It does little good to scold the darkness. We must                   displace the darkness by introducing light.

          So if the basses in your family choir are too loud and overbearing, or if the string section in 

          your family orchestra is a little too shrill or a little bit sharp, or if those impetuous piccolos are 

          out of tune or out of control, be patient. If you’re not hearing the music of the gospel in your 

          home, please remember these two words: keep practicing.

May I add my testimony to his that "[w]ith God’s help, the day will come when the music of the gospel will fill your home with unspeakable joy." Being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has meant learning the dance steps as well as how to hear the music of Christ's gospel. It is a life-long listening cycle and one that has blessed my life immeasurably. I know that 

          Even when performed well, the music will not solve all of our problems. There will still be 

          crescendos and decrescendos in our lives, staccatos and legatos. Such is the nature of life on 

          planet earth. [I once had a wise professor of religion label these things "evidences of the Fall."]

          But when we add music to the dance steps, the sometimes complicated rhythms of marriage 

          and family life tend to move toward a harmonious balance. Even our most difficult challenges 

          will add rich plaintive tones and moving motifs.

So no matter where you are in life, tune in to the Lord's radio station and start dancing. He will help you find joy in even the awkward beginner's phases, a foretaste of the joy He himself feels as we progress towards our infinite potential as His own spirit sons and daughters. You must learn to join the dance!

1 Nephi: Part One of a Series on Likening the Scriptures

One of my Relief Society president's in college once shared how every now and then she gets a paperback copy of the Book of Mormon, writes her question inside and starts praying and fasting and marking it up. And every time the scriptures come to life in a new way for her! So, for my personal scripture study I have been studying how we receive strength beyond our own.

I was also inspired a while back by a visiting general authority and his wife. She had many touching things to say and her testimony was beautiful. She mentioned briefly that she had written a book called The Book of Mormon: A Pattern for Parenting. This may explain in part why all throughout First Nephi I was drawn to ways to better live the gospel as a mother and wife. So here are some insights on a fruitful tangent. (I'm sure if I thought hard enough I could make a nerdy math joke, but I won't.)

Chapter 1: Personal Prayer and Journal Keeping
This may be stating the obvious but I'll go out on a limb here and write it anyway: You can't be a good parent without a whole lot of prayer. And I don't mean the desperate in-the-moment child-abuse-preventing kind, though those may be necessary at times. I'm talking about talking with the Lord in gratitude and with an intent to act upon the answers He sends.

In verses 1-2 and 16-17 we learn about another helpful habit of successful parents: journal keeping. Lehi taught his son Nephi (and probably his other children as well) to read and write. Thus Nephi would be able to read the scriptures taken from Laban in addition to writing a scriptural record of his own. But he also abridged his father's record, or a piece of it anyway. If you're not familiar with why this was a wise use of his writing and family history skills, check out this link to the LDS seminary manual regarding the translation of the first section of the Book of Mormon.

Another wonderful blessing of journal keeping is witnessed in verse one. Nephi writes that despite his life being hard, "nevertheless, having been highly favored of the Lord in all my days; yea, having had a great knowledge of the goodness and the mysteries of God, therefore I make a record of my proceedings in my days." I'm not sure if his keeping a record as commanded by God was what allowed him to come the such a knowledge and testimony, but our latter-day prophets have testified again and again of the importance of keeping a personal record.

President Spencer W. Kimball taught:
         But I promise you that if you will keep your journals and 
         records, they will indeed be a source of great inspiration to 
         your families, to your children, your grandchildren, and 
         others, on through the generations....
       
        From time immemorial the Lord has counseled us to be a 
        record-keeping people.

Nephi may be writing what we know as the first few chapters of the Book of Mormon in hindsight, but one of my fondest prayers in my choice callings of wife and mother is that I and my children will be able to recognize from our lives the many tender mercies which come from faithful obedience to true principles.

Chapter 2: Sanctifying Obedience
So here's another obvious lesson about good parenting: it involves sacrifice. And I'm talking about true sacrifice where we give up something good for something even better. Because let's face it: giving up whatever we want to do what God wants us to makes us better people period. I firmly believe doing so is one of our main purposes of this mortal probation!

What sort of things might we sacrifice as parents? Sleep, our pride and sometimes our dignity, our sanity, personal dreams, postponed travel plans, time alone, financial security... What can we learn from Lehi about sacrifice? Well, let's ponder his examples of sanctifying obedience. 1) He risk his life to deliver his prophet message or burden as Isaiah sometimes calls it. 2) In order to save his life and because he was commanded of the Lord, he abandoned his way of life and relative comfort for a really long camping trip and boat ride with some less than cooperative children. 3) He was grateful for the warnings of God even if they were hard to follow: so grateful in fact that he built an altar of stones and made an offering! 4) Even in the desert he found ways to fulfill his eternal calling as a father and teach his sons of the Lord's ways.

My parents have always been great example to me. I have memories of learning principles of "faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities" from watching, playing with, and working alongside them. My dad was always inviting us to draw gospel parallels and asking us what we learned. While I didn't always have the best attitude about it growing up, I appreciated it even then, and more so now as I am a parent myself.

Learning from the less-than-teachable attitudes of Laman and Lemuel and recalling that just about everyone in this caravan would have murmuring moments before reaching the Promised Land, I believe it's important to always be aware of your attitude and how it is affecting your current situation. Notice I didn't say how your attitude is affected by your current situation. If you're looking for a way to adjust your attitude for the better? Come to know that dealings of Almighty God. (See verse 12 and recall lessons from the previous chapter of 1 Ne. 1:1.)

I think Lehi did this and his example led Nephi to do so as well. Consider the juxtaposition in verses 14 and 15. Lehi is filled with the power of God to the confounding of his two murderous sons and yet he dwells in a tent. While he would've been justifiably angry, I don't think he could have had so profound an impact in rebuking them if his words were just spoken in rage. It says he was filled with the Spirit of God and that he spoke unto them" until their whole frames did shake before him." The Lord can help us as we seek to teach and discipline our children. Of course He will, I mean they're His children too after all! I am certain Lehi sought the Lord's assistance regularly in prayer and that is part of what prompted his then youngest son Nephi to go to the Lord in prayer and receive a testimony that his father was indeed a prophet called of God.

1 Nephi 15:3-6 Dealing with Challenges
Some things are just hard to understand. Unless you inquire of the Lord.

Sometimes we're discouraged by the actions or lack thereof by those around us. Sometimes we're less than hopefully. When we are already discouraged, Satan will come and try to make it worse. But we can still choose our reactions and we must remember that Christ has descended below ALL things. He has born your grief and experienced YOUR sorrows. We can also receive strength from God.

Once we are strengthened we must forge that strength of character by strengthening and edifying others.