When the Rose-colored Glasses Get Broken

This post may feel a bit melodramatic at times and surprise those of you who haven't heard or felt my whole story recently. But bear with me as I make some discoveries that could help you in your own life.

Have you ever felt that your best isn't good enough or that your efforts aren't making a difference? I think every parent on the planet has at some point. But feeling overwhelmed is by no means limited to those privileged to raise children. Trials and tribulations are not rained down upon the most wicked alone. And while some trials are harder than others, we shouldn't ever compare ourselves or our challenges in our journey back to God. Sometimes life is just hard and it's good to admit it. Liberating in fact.

All that for this?!

But how do we get out of the ruts of denial and despair long enough to stay out? Naming what's bothering you is great but could only lead to more frustration if you truly cannot do anything about it. So he is what the Good Lord has been teaching me and what I want to share with each of you. God can and will help you change your perspective. He can teach you to see the good more than the bad even when there may be in fact little good to be had in a situation. This leads me to my first of two points.

At Least...
Remember in "Tarzan" when Jane says, "Things cannot possibly get worse" and then it stars pouring rain? I remember recently learning of this idea to say, "At least..." only to myself and sincerely enough that it sparks a positive spin on things. I've found the Devil is a regular gremlin, feasting on despair and fanning its flames. So now I think things like: While my tonsils are still quite swollen, at least I can talk and even sing a little now. At least I can eat solid foods (just not citrus.)

What sort of faith-promoting, positive thought speech do you find yourself using? Please feel free to comment below. This whole idea was brought to me after pondering my missionary brother's comparison of the Nephite and Jaredite journeys. Maybe they were singing to drown out the scary sounds and provide some means of sanity and comfort? (I love the verse that says the Lord prepared them against these things and protected them.) Sometimes the nature of the journey is rather different because of how we were going into it and sometimes the Lord just blesses us, deserved or not. Whatever the reason, that's not the point we should focus on. We should try to work with the Lord to become the kind of person who will sing His praises regardless of the type of journey we're having.

"God, The Lord Will Send Relief"

As a sophomore in college I had the opportunity to be Gretel in BYU-Idaho's condensed performance of Humperdink's opera Hanzel and Gretel. There is a beautiful motif that appears through the opera, melodically as well as in the lyrics: "When past bearing is our grief, God the Lord will send relief." Recently I have felt such relief. It's like God is helping me orchestrate the details of my life as I strive to live for quality and lend my planning skills less towards meticulous lists (which may still have their place) and more towards embracing the moments. I sort of feel like I've been travelling a treacherous mountain pass complete with occasional tunnels of scary darkness, but now it's coming to an end. I'm finally getting to enjoy some stunning vistas--motivated increased understanding and the fulfillment of God's promises--as I descend into my valley of humility. I am grateful to those of you who have traveled bits of the trail with me or lent me your strength to continue on. God's grace truly is sufficient. "His promises are sure. Celestial glory shall be mine, if I can but endure."

A Modern Disciple: How This Mother is Coming to Christ

What does the invitation "Come unto Christ" look like for me, in my life? 

At the heart of my testimony as a disciple of Christ is my favorite scripture Philippians 4:13. 

“As you do these things, the Lord will make much more out of your life than you can by yourself. He will increase your opportunities, expand your vision, and strengthen you.He will give you the help you need to meet your trials and challenges.You will gain a stronger testimony and find true joy as you come to know your Father in Heaven and His Son, Jesus Christ, and feel Their love for you.”For the Strength of Youth (booklet, 2011), 43.

As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, one way I come unto Christ is by listening to the words of living prophets every 6 months. As I've pondered and reviewed April 2016's General Conference sessions, more questions for pondering have come into my mind.

If you've read my recent blog post about Victoria starting kindergarten you may have caught a whiff of my struggles in balancing and some of the labels I deal with. Studying Elder Hallstrom's talk "I Am a Child of God" reminded me that my most predominant labels should be the eternal ones. Countless talks spoke to me of meekness and humility. I love the Bible Dictionary's explanation of prayer being the act of aligning our will with the Lord's. I especially loved Bishop Waddell's formula for peace: 1) Learn of true doctrine. 2) Listen to the Holy Ghost and let it lead you to repentance. 3) Walk in and with Christ.

Wife, mother, daughter of God.

Whether you're striving to feel the Lord's peace in your life our impart it to others--THAT is the essence of what coming unto Christ means to me. It may feel different at different times and manifest itself in a variety of ways. But I echo the true words of W. Christopher Waddell, "We may not have the ability to control all that happens around us, but we can control how we apply the pattern for peace that the Lord has provided—a pattern that makes it easy to think often about Jesus."

What does "Come unto Christ" look like in my life for those around me? 

From personal experiences as both the receiver and the giver, I second Elder Neil L. Andersen's testimony that "[k]nowing someone's name can make a difference." But whether or not you know someone personally, you can still be a light in their lives whenever they enter your sphere of influence.

"None of us should be defined by the worst thing we have ever done," taught Kevin R. Duncan. While many of us crave justice in our everyday lives, at the end of the day we ALL need the Lord's merciful grace. That is why forgiveness has such transcendent power. Kevin R. Duncan taught regarding forgiveness: "We need not be a victim twice." Yes, I should let go of bitterness, resentment, etc. before it gets anymore toxic inside me; yet that is easier said than done.

With the aid of social media, there is plenty of judgement going around--usually unwarranted and highly subjective. I believe that truth is not a subjective thing and that there are instances where right and wrong have been clearly defined by the Lord. This means that whether or not a person believes something to be true does NOT change whether or not that principle is actually true. It also does not exclude Christ's disciples from unkindness. I once heard the analogy of a cheesecake: be lovingly firm. We needn't apologize for our testimony of truth or water down doctrine to make it more palatable. But we can and should be soft and loving in our delivery. I may disagree with you but it needn't feel disagreeable.

The Right Answer, The Ultimate Answer: Christ
Christ is the answer. "None other has had so profound an influence upon all who have lived or will yet live upon the earth. He was the Great Jehovah of the Old Testament, the Messiah of the New." Through the infinite virtue of his great atoning sacrifice, all injustice can be made right and mercy can prevail. It is how we can overcome disappointing situations and take control of the uncontrollable: we come to God, lay our burdens at His feet, and do what He asks of us while He takes care of our problems. By taking care of us, His children.

"Come unto Christ. Come unto Him, and by His grace be made holy again. He's calling your name; he's waiting for you...with arms open wide, come unto Christ." Let us open are arms to embrace Christ and let Him into our lives more fully by placing Him at the center. I know that miracles will surely follow.

"What are you going to do with all that time?"

When Victoria started going to preschool I remember a male friend of mine asking what I planned to do with all that extra free time. His wife immediately chided him for asking such a rude question. I quickly and sincerely responded that I wasn't offended but that many stay-at-home mothers and homemakers would be. Our profession is unique in its demands and recognition. It looks different depending on the persons involved, so it's a difficult one to understand and appreciate.

When Victoria entered Tiny Tigers Preschool, most people asking "the question" weren't sure how much free time they were even asking about, which I found mildly amusing. I had already been thinking quite a bit about how I wanted to take advantage of my 3 hours of childless time (1.5 hours twice a week.) As a mother and homemaker I have many responsibilities, which often requires multitasking. But when interacting with people, relationships benefit greatly from undivided attention. So I planned to use my time during preschool for family history work, music practicing, and other key household duties that were best done without interruption. This let me feel well rounded and rested and ready to grant my undivided attention to Victoria when she returned.

Fast forward a year.

The same friends came over last night to help celebrate my husband's birthday. We also invited some mutual friends to join us. One of the new comers, a school teacher himself, asked "the question." This time it was a bit different and here's why:

1. Like the questioner himself, we've been struggling with infertility. So despite our plans for my child bearing and rearing duties to increase, neither is part of our foreseeable future.

2. He knew how much time he was asking about and so did I. Kindergarten is all day here. So I'll be essentially childless most Mondays through Fridays from a little after 7 A.M. to a little before 3 P.M. That's a lot more hours than just 3 per week.

3. Unlike when Victoria began preschool, I still haven't fully determined how I'll be using my time. I have a pretty good idea but I don't have a polite, accurate soundbite prepared yet like I used to.

In preparing for this "practice at being an empty nester", I have been asking my friends with and without children for ideas of how they have been or would use their time if they were in my shoes. My favorite answer was, "You'll figure it out," along with a reassurance that while I might miss her I could and probably would come to like this new phase. Another answer though gave me pause when a friend of a friend smiled and responded that it isn't anyone's business but hers.

I both like and dislike this answer. I like it because it rings true with me. I dislike it because saying these words is difficult to do politely. (I believe in responding as politely as possible even when interacting with people who are more...aggressively opinionated.) I also don't like her answer because, in considering this new vein of philosophy, I find myself feeling resentment that someone would feel the need to give vent to idle curiosity about the particulars of my career choice. (I know not everyone asking "the question" is this merely wanting an inside look on homemaking and motherhood; some friends are asking because they know it's a big question for me and they're wondering how I feel about it and if I've found my answer.) But I'm pretty sure that most other careers aren't often analyzed this way:

"Hey, I heard you finally got that paper submitted to the peer-reviewed journal. What are you going to do with all your extra time now?"

"Um...keep working/get back to research."

That pink coat and bit of black polka dotted legging
is her. When it was time to board she wriggled right
up to the driver, confirmed her name, and sat down
right behind the driver. Only then did she wave at me.

It's now halfway through the school day and here's my preliminary analysis. This morning I did the same things I do most mornings—it was just a bit quieter. Then I moved on to housecleaning etc. which was both easier and harder without my mini me as company. I didn't feel guilty from ignoring her in favor of doing tedious, non-urgent tasks. And I may have been able to throw away a few things without protest. But I didn't have her cheer and extra pair of hands to play Cinderella with me as we tidied her room together and made plans for what to eat for lunch or play afterward. Speaking of lunch, I'm eating an hour later than usual because Victoria isn't hear to remind me. I'm just starting to eat and she's already finished her homemade lunch at school. I hope she was able to read my love note.

So my friend Terra was right: I am figuring it out. I do miss her and while I have felt like crying a few times, I haven't yet. I'm already learning to like things about this new phase I'm in but I'm still finding my balance just as we all must do with any big change.

Learning from Dramatic Conversions in the Book of Mormon

"And when thou art converted, strengthen thy brethren" (Luke 22:32)
In Alma chapter 18, Ammon came to the King Lamoni and asked "What do you want?" He then waited for an hour in silence. After no response he simply repeated his question. When the King continued not to answer, only then was Ammon "filled with the Spirit of God, therefore he perceived the thoughts of the king." Now if it were me, I know I would be tempted to press for an answer. Even if I managed to wait an hour and then ask again, it wouldn't be patiently. I suppose my feelings and mind wouldn't be that calm after waiting around almost pointlessly, and therefore the Spirit would have a difficult time filling my heart and mind enough to know what someone else was thinking and feeling.

Just a chapter later, the King is about to be buried as though he were dead because he has been in some sort of conversion coma for two days and two nights. I know I would be nervous if someone I loved were out of it for a while. Yet Ammon has had experience with this before. Perhaps as he faithfully comforted the king's wife he was remembering his own repentance process as he waited for his dear friend Alma the Younger to come to himself. Perhaps that made it a bit easier to empathize with her and reassure the queen that this conversion was a good--no great--thing.

D&C 6:36
Another interesting tangent is to look at how many times Ammon knew. Some people these days get hung up on whether or not we can know things in this life or if it's all just feel-good obedience and belief. I believe that desire and belief can be strong enough to motivate thoughts and actions at least for a little while, but at some point we need to grow the roots of our testimony stronger and deeper than that if it is to survive and bless us with fruit. (See Alma 32:28-41.) But I believe that Ammon knew, through the power of God, just what was going on in King Lamoni's mind and heart, whether King Lamoni himself was able to express it or not. I know that we too can know things with the same kind of assurance and through the same power. If we are worthy and believe it is possible--these are the first few steps. Just something else to think about.

Spiritual Vitamins (see D&C 81:5)
I want to insert here another gospel study experience, this time from President Boyd K. Packer's Memorable Stories and Parables. He related a story of a girl who was stuck under a car for many days. The worst of her injuries weren't from the car but from being without nourishment for so long. The doctors had to be careful in hydrating and feeding her. While she desperately needed vitamins, almost anything they would give her would be a shock to her system. They started with the basics through an IV and then finally worked their way up to nutrient-rich foods I would give my young toddler. President Packer related this cautious and ultimately successful treatment to our need for spiritual vitamins. In doing so he opened my eyes to people who may be experiencing something different from myself in the spectrum of conversion. While all of us need to eat good food and want to be healthy, many of us have different dietary needs that shape how and what we eat. Being aware of your spiritual health as well as those around you, can help you better understand and appreciate the variety of spiritual diets needed.

Certain experiences are like spiritual vitamins. But what if they aren't given to those most in need? For example, if you only ask those with professional teaching experience to teach Sunday School you'd not only miss out on some of the best teachers: many would also miss out on the personal growth that comes when a disciple becomes a teacher. What about praying in public or giving a talk in church? These same experiences enrich an individual's life differently at different times. I know that the Lord, in His infinite and individual love, is aware your needs and those around you. He wants us to be aware and loving too.

Do you look around you and see others enjoy a feast of the Spirit while you find your spiritual appetite unsatisfying? How many are around you, watching you pop your daily spiritual vitamins and taking your blessed understanding for granted; what can you do to slowly help them in their own conversion?

Conversion is an ongoing process and not a onetime event
Conversion isn't always dramatic. But sometimes it is. Whether it is dramatic or not does not make it any less true or lasting of a change. Also, there are people everywhere who are prepared to hear the Lord. Because He is a God of miracles. And He keeps His promises. I know these things are true because they have been principles in my life for as long as I can remember.

Changed by the Love of God

Lovest Thou Me?” John 21:1-19
You know how some people get overboard in anticipation for the Super Bowl? Well, I am like that with General Conference for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Wasn't conference great? Now I'm in the reviewing and application zone. This has been especially interesting to me in light of last Sunday's events. Let me explain.

This past Sunday I sang with an on-campus Methodist church choir because 1) I had already learned their most difficult song with Oratorio Society and 2) our half-Mormon, half-Methodist acquaintance pointed out in his invitation to me that quite a few members of this congregation have visited ours. Now, I generally avoid visiting other churches (for reasons I won't go into here), and I was a bit nervous to bring my family along since I didn't know quite what to expect. But it was a lovely service and several of the sermons mentioned things I was already studying. The Spirit was able to help me stay engaged and learn things. Also, they made good use of their printed programs so it was easy to follow along even as a visitor.

They have a time near the beginning of the service where all the children come sit on the steps up front with one of the pastors to have a brief discussion in response to a story, etc. So the children sort of help give the sermon. This time it was based on a video I had seen on Facebook. Anyway, Victoria did that and then afterward went to their Sunday School while Greg and I stayed for and/or performed in the rest of the meeting. She liked it and they didn't teach her anything obviously different from what we believe. If anything some of their teachings are less direct and focused than what we receive in our church.

Their main sermon, Breakfast With Jesus, and came after someone read John 21:1-19. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland spoke on this story a few General Conferences ago, so snippets of his commentary kept coming to my mind. The take home point of the visiting Methodist pastor was, “Now that we've experienced the glory of Easter last week [and General Conference], have we tried to go back to normal?” Like the New Testament apostles and also like Adam and Eve once they partook of the tree of knowledge of good and evil, “they were changed. They couldn't go back to their old normal and neither should we.” How do you avoid the temptation to settle back into old habits? Consider some of your most life changing events (maybe even read about them in your journal.) Did the change last?

Getting Back on Track
There's a great article in this month's Ensign about knowing if God's directions make sense and whether or not it could be because we're too off track to follow them. This is something that is near and dear to my heart but that I have trouble expressing, so I was grateful for the simple parable of navigating through France on ones bike. Thinking about staying on track, we ought to consider President Monson's remarks from this most recent General Conference. Do you know where you want to go? Are you on track to get there? What do you do if you're not?

I once had a discussion with my sister in-law, Jani, about a discussion she had with some of her church friends about how studying the scriptures can be like the habit of flossing and brushing your teeth. You may have a goal to improve your quality and frequency and to be consistent. But if you mess up and have a bad day, week or even month, you wouldn’t give up and say, “Well, I’m just not very good and brushing my teeth. I’ll do it when I can or whenever I remember but doing it everyday is not that important.” NO! You would keep trying to improve and you would realize that you won’t be able to see and feel just how much of a difference your actions are making. Because much like brushing your teeth and flossing, scripture study has subtle yet significant blessings that affect us immediately but also help preserve and protect our future. So let’s get practical here...

If you're reading this please consider answering how you review General Conference and/or how you get back on track spiritually? 

Schools of Choice and Welcoming in Spring

According to my archived emails, Greg last sent an update to the family in um...November 2015. Of course, it's not like we've been silent since then. So though it isn't my turn I thought I'd help play catch up while Greg writes his prelim paper and prepares two other presentations.

January highlights: 3 day weekend in Indianapolis with epic bubble baths and an R2D2 cake and watching the Russian Ballet perform Cinderella on a "Mommy-Daddy-Toria date"

February highlights: the Blue and Gold Banquet, Valentine's Day, a few theme days while our friend's dad was away at his first grad school conference

March at a glance
Week 1: We went to the annual Fairy Tale Ball at the Urbana Public Library.

Week 2: We battled super lice and won! Karen's advice was timely beyond all else. We got rid of it for good in less than a week while all or friends were still trying to battle it with other methods. Thank you Karen and your professional nit picking friend!

Week 3: Greg went to the APS conference and did well. We had theme days again (see photos.) The day after he got back we went to Newsies and the temple for a belated birthday celebration in Indy, courtesy of my aunt and uncle.

Week 4: We babysat an almost two year old for a week while her parents vacationed in Africa! We registered Victoria for kindergarten (see attached newspaper clipping) and were featured in the local newspaper. Easter was great and low key here at home with friends from the ward next door; we tried to celebrate all week for greater impact.

April highlights: General Conference and yummy enchiladas Saturday night with friends, an upcoming wedding, several singing performances for me, learning where Victoria will go to Kindergarten and whether Greg got the Blue Waters Fellowship, Greg's prelim at the end of the month. My favorite quote is actually from the Women's General session (the last Saturday in March): "Love is making space in your life for someone else." Make space for God.

Our top two choices for schools have elective classes more often than some of the other schools. Neither school has uniforms and both have slightly longer lunches (20 minutes is still short.) The teachers were all impressive--welcoming and genuinely so.

Carrie Busey
The school day begins and ends sooner.
It's close enough to walk or ride.
She gets to help in their garden.

The open house "tour" was a perfect balance in meeting the needs of child and parents. There are 4 kindergarten classrooms and we met with 3 of the teachers. They were friendly and informative, answering our questions as parents while letting Victoria explore without trying too hard to engage her. They did guide her a bit and get her to answer some of their questions. I am excited to go back during the school day with Victoria and see how a typical teaching day goes.

Each kindergarten class has their own garden in which they plant and harvest a fast crop (think spring garden salad) and a long term crop for the next class to harvest in the fall. Because there are 4 classrooms of about 21 each, the students are able to have an elective class of some sort every day. Every other day they go to the "learning lab" for 20 minutes to practice gross motor skills before going to P.E. On the other days of the week they go to music or art. And of course they go to the library weekly. The principle added that if a student is a particularly hungry reader they make arrangements for more library time before or after school. :)

At Carrie Busey, Victoria gets a morning snack and then around noon she goes to play at recess before lunch. Because her grade is the last to use the lunchroom, the students have greater flexibility in how long lunch will last. It's still fast but it's not short to the point of rudeness.

South Side
The P.E. class and music classes are impressive. 
They integrate their curriculum very well and are constantly using technology.

It's the farthest away of my top 3 and so she would ride the bus. With a later start time (8:45) that's good for my mornings but harder in the afternoon. Their profile sounds very welcoming and they encourage visitors to come familiarize themselves with with the school. Victoria and I love that they specialize in music. I had high expectations for our tour and they were met.

You Would Cry Too If It Happened to You: Head Lice

It happened Friday morning. My husband was staying home from work for the morning, so he went in to wake up the sleeping toddler princess. I got called in because he found dark little bugs crawling in her thin, blonde hair. "Yeah, I know what those are," I said with a shudder. It wasn't until I discovered a single bug in my long, thick, blonde hair that I wanted to cry. When it's on my kid's head I can see and kill it. But these critters and especially their clear, sticky eggs are beyond hard to find on my beautifully thick and long blonde hair amid the dandruff.

After a few phone calls, appointment with the pediatrician, and a trip to my favorite grocery store pharmacy, we buckled down and began treatment. After combing through everyone's hair with an electronic comb which kills lice on contact, we got to work with the medicated shampoo. For the record, my hair takes a whole bottle for one application and you're supposed to use it twice.

Most lice shampoos have Permethrin which kills the louse and the nymph but not the nit. (Never mind the new type of lice which are resistant to the stuff!) So we're still stuck with the tedious process of combing and hoping we caught every last one. Every day. For ten days. Yep. Since a female louse lays up to 8 eggs per day and each egg takes 7 days to hatch, discovering and killing early in the infestation is key for complete eradication. Thankfully the bugs don't fly or jump; they just crawl from head to head. This is how most infestations begin. Lice can't live more than a day off the scalp so some say only 2% of reinfestations occur from unwashed bedding etc. (Sources: See the following article and its resources.)

I finally found a bottle of shampoo on Amazon that is bigger than anything I can buy at Meijer. ("Family sized" apparently means 6 to 9 applications for hair shorter than ones shoulders. If you have longer, thicker hair, the nits are harder to find and remove so you're going to need a hair cut to save time and money and stress. Sorry.) The best part is the shampoo I just bought seems to live up to its claim of dissolving the nit glue so most if not all of the eggs also wash out! Looking at the ingredients I'm guessing it has to do with the coconut stuffs. There are also lice repellent shampoos made out of rosemary, tea tree, and olive oils. One reviewer commented, "There is a prescription medicine Sklice that kills the lice, nymphs and eggs. I tried to get some today. Went to the doc, got a prescription, but since I have no insurance, 4 ounces (1 dose) cost $330.00." Actually, Natroba (generic name: Spinosad) kills lice, nymphs, and eggs but Sklice does not. No matter what treatment route you choose, your stuck nit picking daily for 3 weeks before you can truly declare your family lice free. Did you know there are professional nit pickers?! If can find one in your area make sure they use the Shepherd Method of going through strand by strand because that's the only guarantee in the lice world.

So if you need me, I'll be in the shower washing my hair yet again.

A few days later...

Bad News: After a second medicated washing I managed to find a live nymph or two on my daughter! We've got a super bug on our hands that is resistant to the OTC stuff.

Good news: We can still suffocate them to extinction. Thanks to Kate Lovett and Camilla Decker for bring this to my attention and for Hildie at Hive and Nest for writing about this new-to-me method.

Reality Check: Yes it is a blood sucking parasite on my child's head. Yes it's gross. No it does not cause disease and is therefore not dangerous. Yes you aren't allowed in most schools if you have it or have had it recently (which I just now realized means that she and I cannot visit the elementary schools like we've planned these next couple of weeks: darn it!) No they cannot jump or fly, only crawl. The only way you can get it is for my child's head (or something that has touched her head) to touch yours. The lice and their eggs cannot survived 24 hours away from their food source and they get killed with heat pretty easily (hence putting combs and brushes in boiling water and clothes and bedding in the dryer for a full cycle.) Eggs take a week to hatch and then another week to grow up enough to lay more eggs so treatments are expected to take at least a month.

Spiritual lessons learned from this:
1. Be careful who you spend time with and what you do with them. “Friends are people who make it easier to live the gospel of Jesus Christ,” taught Elder Robert D. Hales. This includes repenting.

2. Having good friends makes it easier to endure trials. (You're on the list Camilla Decker, Kate  Lovett, and Karen Hart Wilding.)

3. True repentance is not a one time thing and it must be done thoroughly each time in order to be effective.

4. To stay clean and safe from sin, the only guaranteed way the that of the Good Shepherd. Apply daily for the rest of your life.