Gratitude and Unity: Lessons from 2020

I am grateful for my body and its limits. I often feel my healthiest and most balanced while pregnant. Getting back to pre-pregnancy weight isn't one of my goals, though it happens naturally enough as I have been blessed to breastfeed both my babies. Exercising and being grateful for my body comes most naturally during pregnancy and is often most difficult for me post partum.

I am grateful for my rapidly growing baby boy. Because my 9 month old has almost outgrown his infant car seat in height and has been more than 20 pounds for several months now, I am developing arm muscle and definition I haven't ever enjoyed in my previous 32 years of life. I am also developing shoulder and hip injuries from carrying him outside my womb, and so I give thanks for my massage therapist, chiropractor, and personal trainer and for the financial means to afford such excellent care and treatment.

I am most grateful for my friend and personal trainer, Gretchen Weise, teaching me how to listen to my body. From our joint discoveries I have been reminded of life lessons I learned from my former voice teacher, Cynthia Haymon Coleman. Sometimes in singing (and elsewhere in life) I try to use part of my body to be helpful by doing things it wasn't designed to do. If I couldn't have that favorite muscle group do it all then I condemned all its behavior as bad. 

But lately I have been learning to listen without judgement and for that I am grateful. For example, it's easier to feel supported and connected when I think about using my whole body to do whatever I'm doing. I used to consciously try and only use certain parts of my body or compartmentalize and consciously cue each individual muscle group I wanted to use rather than just drop in and say "hi, I want to sit," and let my whole body effortlessly respond, "I got this."

That led to realizations about how as a member of one body, say my family, I sometimes try to do it all or do something that isn't inherently mine. When instead I could trust the other members of the body to work together as one with me to clean or build unity or whatever we choose to do.

Oneness of purpose really does bring ease. And God only knows 2020 could use some ease.

I am also grateful to find such teachings in the scriptures. For example, this scripture written by the apostle Paul:

For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ. For in one Spirit we were all baptized into one body—Jews or Greeks, slaves or free—and all were made to drink of one Spirit. For the body does not consist of one member but of many. If the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body.

How are you achieving unity and oneness of purpose in your home? In your neighborhood and online communities? I want to know. 

Here's one last bit of food for thought: By Union of Feeling We Obtain Power with God

Finding God's Grace Through Productive Thinking

When I am "stuck" doing things I don't really want to be doing but I do them anyway (as a wife and mother I have many tasks that float in and out of that realm,) I am learning to be more like Christ. He didn't want to sacrifice but was willing to do it anyway. While none of my sacrifices will compare in significance and impact to the world, I have countless opportunities to

• do things for others that they cannot do for themselves.
• do things for my household that no one else can do.
• enable others to do what they need or want to do.

Remembering all this helps me when I lack the motivation to do the unwanted. I may not have the will power to change that task into a want-to-do item, but I can do it anyway because I do want to enable others and empower them. By doing so I enable and empower myself!

Sometimes I am overwhelmed as a house wife and mother to a young child because of all the things I feel I need to do. But some of that overwhelm is of my own choosing and completely unnecessary. When I get fearful that if I don't do something it won't get done, sometimes it's best for me and those I am serving to experience that thing not getting done so that others can recognize the task as being one worth doing.

For example, I really want to teach my daughter responsibility by having her do a daily chore or two; she knows what they are. When I am tempted to feel frustrated with her for not setting the table and we are hungrily waiting to eat dinner because there's nothing to eat it on or with, I can choose not to set the table and we'll just joke about eating with invisible dishes before saying a prayer and then she'll make her choice from there. Or if she doesn't put her dirty clothes away, I can go about my day and move them out of my way but not put them in the laundry until she notices the pile and/or runs out of things to wear and then she'll make her choice from there. In order for her to learn responsibility, she needs to discover her own life moments where if she doesn't do it then it doesn't get done! I can also try and notice what she is doing instead of whatever I was hoping she'd do, so that I can try to see value in her current choice instead of the choice I was expecting her to make.

And if I end up doing something myself I can replace with resentful self talk with positivity like, My family is so blessed to have someone like me and I am so blessed that I am physically capable of doing this work.
Sometimes we struggle to reconcile our reality with what we want or feel is supposed to be. This made me think of a people-pleasing anecdote that can work for when we are at odds with ourselves. The following poem is by Dr. Kent M. Keith that is inscribed on the wall of Mother Theresa's orphanage in Calcutta, India.

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;

Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;

Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;

Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;

Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;

Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;

It was never between you and them anyway.

When I am being unreasonable or illogical and self centered I can forgive myself. I can always strive to do the right thing for the right reason and try to presume others will do the same. I can overcome my fear and spend monumental effort creating because even if it is not fully appreciated or gets destroyed, I know that it was still worth doing. I can forget the good that I or others have done and feel handicapped in my ability to do and be good; but I will strive to do and be good anyway and work hard to recognize and remember the goodness of others and especially God. Because in the end it's all between Him and me anyway.

How have you been enabled by grace lately? How have you enabled others through your service?

Perfection Pending: Learning From Life's Broken Moments

This morning at the bus stop Victoria told me, "I don't like it when you talk like that." I asked her whether she was referring to my use of the adjective broken or my tone of voice and she without looking at me she replied, "Both."

Disclaimer: While I try to only apply the label broken to myself, it sometimes is one I use in front of my daughter when we are both upset so that one or both of us are knowingly thinking thoughts and making choices that don't serve us. 

"You know the scriptures use the word broken so I'm okay with using it but I will try to only ever use it in a pleasant, calm tone of voice." 

Second disclaimer: In the future I will try to never use broken to describe anyone since there are similar labels that can serve us better. More on that in a minute.

I feel like the word broken is offensive to many people. But God requires us to be broken. How many times in the scriptures do we read the phrase "a broken heart and a contrite spirit"? It turns out that brokenness is involved before getting into heaven so my dear sweet daughter, please don't be offended if I use broken to describe either of us. There are so many things that can be broken about us. But that doesn't mean that it's permanent or that we're somehow inferior. It means that we're in a position to realize just how much we need God! Brokenness will be my companion and yours in this life but when we recognize it as the opportunity for God's grace to change us, in that moment we are becoming unbroken and saved beings.

Evidence of The Fall

If you're feeling uncomfortable with the word broken consider these similar thoughts from my dear friend Summer Harper:
I think it's a cool concept and it actually made me think of a similar word which is also scriptural but would maybe serve me personally better: fallen. We're in a "fallen world" and we have these fallen, less-than bodies. But I don't think it does the emotional heart-wrenching of broken... I never thought of the word broken. I see where it's in the scriptures. I think that before meditating on it, it isn't a word that serves me but it's cool that it serves you. As for telling it to a child, I would make sure not that they don't just simply understand it but that they can see it and understand it from the perspective of the scriptures. But as far as my kids and using the word broken, they're going to think "worthless and not good." Because when a toy breaks we through it away. We get rid of it [because] we don't keep broken things. At least, that's the way we've structured our home and the way I think they would first thing of it. And fallen isn't a word my kids would associate with anything else so I could teach them that principle. And even if they may not grasp it at first, they're not going to associate it with something else that's commonly used [in a negative way.] 

The last time I intuitively ate lunch: apple and cheese
quesadilla on GF spinach wrap with GF chicken nuggets.

I am broken and fallen. I've been feeling less broken in that I am overcoming my battles with anxiety and depression; and I feel hopeful that our secondary infertility is not meant to be a permanent battle. But I am broken because intuitive eating is something that doesn't consistently exist in my world. While I wouldn't say that I have anorexia anymore, I would say that I am currently suffering from "disordered eating" as some therapists call it. And it makes it hard to take care of my body. But I still try to love my body. I'm not not eating because I'm self conscious about the shape or weight of my body. I'm not eating because I don't know how to process the stimuli around me. I am making food a lower priority because there are more pressing things on my mind right now, so my fallen body refuses to let me prepare, eat, or otherwise enjoyably digest food. And that makes me feel broken. And I'm okay with that.

It's not something I'm going to accept lying down and not doing anything about. But I am accepting of it. Which is the first step in being able to choose to change. This also allows me to continue living a life that's worth living! I have the choice to not stay fallen but rather be lifted by the grace of God as I try to make better choices and rise above any less-than-ideal circumstances.

Redeemed by Grace

When people are thinking and acting in ways that don't serve themselves or anyone else, I can still believe in their potential for perfection. Their lives are worth living and if they're not living up to their potential that is between them and God. I too have the potential to be perfect! Speaking as the scriptures do, we all liven in a fallen world with fallen bodies. "For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive." 1 Corinthians 15:22 "For Adam fell that men might be; and men are that they might have joy." 2 Nephi 2:25.

Let me give you a few more examples of perfection-pending moments from my life.

Feeling Frustration

I feel like my daughter doesn't get frustrated often but when she does, it's often a big deal because she doesn't know how to process it and isn't open to suggestions. In those moments especially, I feel like I'm failing her as a mom when I see her failing to work through her emotions. But I need to remember that that's. Her. Choice. It is perfectly fine for me to leave the room when she's screaming and crying, so that I can hang on to my sanity and positive vibrations. I would like to eventually learn how to model other ways of working through uncomfortable feelings for when you cannot leave but for now, we're both still in our emotional childhood, learning and growing together. So of course emotional moments are going to feel messy and big.

Me nearly 8 years ago, waiting to give birth to my daughter

Summer suggested in response to my desire to learn other ways of processing uncomfortable emotions when you can't leave to think of it like the labor and delivery of a child. That is something the really resonated with me and was a connection I immediately made to her initial thoughts but one that she made for herself later on in our conversation. "That's when you simply feel it. You don't have to do a model on it. You just sit there and feel it and it feels like whatever emotion...and you can close your eyes if you want. Kind of like when you're in labor! You can't avoid it. You're experiencing it but you need to just feel it and let it process, you know?"

Learning from Acceptance

In the midst of writing these realizations my phone went off to let me know that it's lunch time and I thought, "Oh really? Because I'm still finishing breakfast. Hmm, I guess it's going to be one of those days." I found myself in a conversation with myself.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean one of those I-am-still-finishing-breakfast-but-I-guess-I'll-start-lunch-now kind of days."

I didn't beat myself up for losing track of time to the point of not noticing my body's needs. I also didn't deny that it's wrong to starve myself. Instead of there being any judgement, negativity, or guilt there was acceptance. And that's a beautiful new thing for me. I could then move onto thoughts like, "Well, I'm still feeling tired and hungry and a bit unmotivated. Okay, well let's do something about that."

In conclusion I offer us this pearl of wisdom from Patricia T. Holland: "We must have the courage to be imperfect while striving for perfection."

What evidences of the Fall are you working with in your life and how are you doing that?

68 Days until General Conference!

Does anyone else periodically flick through their journal? I have one spiral bound notebook I use to take notes during Sunday meetings, daily gospel study, and especially general conference. While living in Illinois I took the Teachings of the Living Prophets course each time it was offered. The first part of the course gives guidelines for how to prepare for and then study general conference so we can not just "go to conference" but have conference go through us! Each 6 months the class changed because we studied new talks. One of the study skills I learned here was a reminder of something Elder David A. Bednar taught at the Rexburg Idaho temple dedication. He said that while it is a good and common practice to go to the temple with a question, it is even better to go to the temple asking the Lord to help us discover what one question He would have us ask. So I bring my questions and concerns to general conference but also keep a prayer in my heart that my one new question will be revealed. I also mark specific talks or partial quotes and scriptures that I feel I need to restudy for more general reasons.

As I was reviewing my notes from this past general conference I noticed that while I did a good job coming up with pondering questions and concerns then marking talks and impressions that addressed them, I also wrote down and marked goals in the margins. The problems is that of my 13 goals I have only consciously worked on half of them and only completed four. I haven't really been holding myself accountable for most of these goals and it's only 68 days until the next one! 

Goals

1. You're doing great but keep focusing on ways to be a missionary by worshiping and witnessing of Christ. (Elder Bangeter's talk)
2. I need to repair and maintain my eternal relationships as a mother, daughter, and sister. (Elder Oak's talk)
3. Eat your spiritual vegetables by losing yourself in ministering to others. (Elder D. Todd Christofferson)
4. Study all of President Nelson's past general conference talks like Bishop Davies did.
5. Accomplished goal: Have a FHE complete with chocolate cake to review Sister Franco's talk about serving the Lord without reservation.
6. Accomplished goal: Fast from social media and negative influences for 10 days, recording inspiration and priority shifts.
7. Accomplished goal: Read the Book of Mormon before the end of the year, highlighting references to Christ and being more intentional in talking of and rejoicing in Christ.
8. Go to the temple monthly!
9. Enjoy Relief Society more by studying its purpose statement; try writing your own. (the final of President Nelson's four challenges)
10. Improve all ministering aspects of my life by walking into the moment in love and listening without judgement (thought work/therapy really helps with this.)
11. Heal/tend to any scars that are corroding my peace.
12. In addition to prophetically prescribed Book of Mormon study, read Joseph Smith's testimony of the book to help more fully be a part of the gathering of Israel. (Elder Bowen's talk)
13. Accomplished goal (at Christmas): Ponder Christ's miracles to increase you faith in Him.

So I have only consciously worked on 7 out of these 13 goals in the past 3 months! While I completed goal number seven was inspired my sister, Lizzy's Facebook post reporting on her experiences and completion of President Nelson's Book of Mormon challenge. Now I want to try reading the Book of Mormon before we move and write a sticky note for each chapter of ways I came to know my Savior better. This will also help me be more committed to my Book of Mormon Institute class readings.

Talks to restudy

President Nelson's closing remarks and Saturday evening talk
Sister Joy J. Jones' talk
Elder D. Todd Christofferson's talk on double-mindedness
Elder Rasband's promised blessings (I reread this the morning of my Grandpa Eaton's funeral because that's where my bookmark was in reviewing the talks one by one.

Scriptures to Study

D&C 138
"the cause of Christ"
Future FHE: What does it mean to take upon us the name of Christ?
Future FHE lesson on "what do you fear?" (see Elder Rasband's talk)

My pondering questions and concerns were:

1. How can I have more compassion in my family and in my calling in Primary?
2. How can we improve the consistency of our fHE habits?
3. How can we better missionaries?
4. Where should we go when we are done with our post doc? Stay or go? How and when?
5. How can we grow our family? On a related note, how do I improve my immediate and long-term health?

Reinforcing Inadequacy and Mom Guilt

I recently asked my Mom how she dealt with my near-constant procrastination in getting things done, especially when it came to school work. You see, my second grader had been given a project to work on a little bit each day for two months but after she and I talked about it we didn't work on it until the few days before it was due (a mixture of her choices and mine.) I ended up helping her by creating maps, printing off pictures of memories we had discussed, writing captions, buying supplies, and creating flags for her to color from our ancestors' countries of origins. I did more work than her and I felt bad about this. But I also realized that part of my guilt and panic was coming to me because I was embarrassed that her work wasn't going to meet my standards and could therefore reflect badly on me. This was the first time--and I'm sure it won't be the last--that we stayed up past bedtime to finish schoolwork. I hope learning from this experience will make the next time less disagreeable.

Giving credit where credit is due
My mom was discussing the scenario I just shared with our mutual friend who happens to be a professional counselor and mother of nine. She cautioned that as parents if we are always swooping in to do things for our children then it can reinforce the message that the work they do independently is not good enough. (She also suggested to tackle projects in smaller pieces, something we're inconsistently working on.)

If it is her project and she is going to get credit for it, why not let my daughter do it and only help when she asks for it? If she wants to eat what little candy there is in the house instead of vegetables, I can provide safe parameters for her to learn from the inevitable non-permanent effects on her digestive system.

As a parent it is hard to trust your children to make their own choices, especially when you can often get burned by their consequences worse than them. I've noticed that as my daughter gets older she seems to finally be noticing consequences (like now she cares if she missed the bus and has to be driven to school, but in kindergarten and first grade she didn't care and I did.) As a moral person I am often tempted to view everything as a moral choice: but sometimes there really isn't a right or wrong choice of snack or decoration or musical instrument. And even when there is, I need to teach correct principles, highlight any promised blessings, and then step back to let my daughter act rather than be acted upon. It may not be easy but it is oh so necessary!

I found this picture on Pinterest while looking for an illustrated scripture passage. I think it highlights well the quantifiable vs. qualitative effects of parenting.

Pleasing God
I grew up in a religious family. The family I am now growing is still a part of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We believe deeply in repentance and the atonement of Jesus Christ. We also believe that the Holy Spirit can testify of our cleanliness when we truly repent and that it is possible to feel peace and know how you're standing with God. Our Father in Heaven sent His Only Begotten Son in the flesh to redeem us so that we can be "good enough". I believe that we don't have to wait until the Resurrection and Judgement Day to feel His Love and peace.

But feeling that the Lord was pleased with me is different than feeling that my parents were proud of me. Of course I knew that they were pleased when I kept the Lord's commandments, was chaste, and didn't do drugs. But in the day to day stuff I was often worried that if my parents knew how I felt they would be angry or disappointed. (Disclaimer: we're all good now but as a teenager figuring out who I was, it was much harder to feel my parents approval and I was more dependent on it.)

So if you're a child struggling, consider the principles you know and try to live them. Thank your parents and other role models for their good examples. Be independent and take responsibility for your choices even when those around you make that difficult.

And if you're a parent who is trying your best to do good and teach goodness to your children but you feel like you're falling short? Please consider that after you've done your best and trusted the rest to God, your children's choices are a reflection of their motivations and not the quality of your teaching.

And whether you're a parent or a child of one (so basically anyone reading this), please remember that "One of God's greatest gifts to us is the joy of trying again, for no failure ever need be final."

What I'm Learning as I Try to Follow the Prophet

A prophet of God recently advised women to "participate in a 10-day fast from social media and from any other media that bring negative and impure thoughts to your mind. Pray to know which influences to remove during your fast." He also invited us to go to the temple, read the Book of Mormon by the end of the year, and study the purpose statement of Relief Society.

I knew that I didn't want my fast to be a strict, letter-of-the-law avoidance of social media and I realized that in praying to know which influences to remove during my fast, the Spirit might whisper a different answer to me than to others. I knew therefore that it wasn't my place to shame anyone who seemed to be doing their fast "wrong" or not doing it all. I knew it would and should be something of a sacrifice for me. Unlike a few others, I wasn't at all bothered by the timing of it because I don't think social media is a reliable place to obtain information about political candidates in the first place. 

Halfway through my fast I got quite sick and couldn't do much physically for several days; normally this would be a time of wasting my precious energy scrolling through online accounts. Instead I made note of the following lessons:

• First, I reach for social media when I am bored and/or want a distraction from the moment.
• Despite having low energy yet trying to avoid my default setting of being hyper motivated to get things done, I have been more productive overall--and less overwhelmed--about by all the things that need doing regardless of whether they get done.

  

  Example of productivity: we built Victoria a loft bed as a family! (I'm one several medications in this picture.)

• Ranking social media sites: Pinterest is far less detrimental than Facebook for me. While I do waste time sometimes on Pinterest, it is far more positive than Facebook and my news feed has fewer surprises. I am also avoiding YouTube and Netflix, which has been more challenging for me than Facebook.
            
                        

• Staying connected: There are a few people for whom Facebook messenger is my only means of contact. We use it like private email. I don't see a problem with that continuing. I also know that support groups on Facebook can be an invaluable necessity for a wide variety of struggles.
• Apparently many people are wondering when is it going to be the men's turn to receive this challenge. Several of my adult friends participated in the youth's invitation to fast. If you want to follow the prophet then do as the Holy Spirit directs you to! Also, I wish people would remember that there were 3 other tasks we were given by the prophet.

After reading the response of one friend who lost her newborn daughter to death, I admired her decision to share her thought processes regarding this challenge and was inspired to share my own. I conclude by sharing a parts of her response with her permission: 

I still used fb, wrote a couple Olivia letters, sought help & encouraged others in my grief groups. I reminded some women who were feeling abandoned by God that He does love us even when our lives are unbelievably hard. I will probably continue my fast & spend less time on fb because I did see almost immediate benefits from it.

Now to my point. Today someone finished her fast & felt the need to comment just what I said I didn't need.

It made me feel like crap...

Instead of typing what I want to her, I'm trying to turn my ugly feelings into a positive reminder that we should always think before we say something to others about how we perceive they're following God's word. We don't know what they're going through, & we don't know if what we say might be the thing that just makes them give up...

The path that I am walking is often lonely, full of thorns, & a lot of tears. As I have been on this path it has helped me see other's more clearly. Their path is hard too. I'm sure this woman really did feel like having to find other things to do while she was up at 2 am feeding a baby was a sacrifice. I am sure she is exhausted. I am sure her intent wasn't to make me feel terrible. But I am going to try a lot harder to keep my thoughts about how others are choosing to follow God to myself.

By fasting I learned for myself one of the beautiful points she makes here: I am going to try a lot harder to keep my thoughts about how others are choosing to follow God to myself. Instead I'll try to show loving support in person and online to everyone I meet. That's what I learned from her example and from following the prophet.

What is something you've learned as you've followed the prophet?

I Have A Dream: Hypoallergenic Pastry

I've been using the free My Fitness Pal app to help evaluate my physical diet for the past 3 months.  It's sort of a marriage between understanding what I need and what I want. 
https://www.myfitnesspal.com/account/login

I have learned that for my overall health (physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual) I need to learn to dream. And not just the kind that happens when I'm sorting things out in my sleep.

In January we celebrated the legacy of a man with a dream, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. We celebrated tolerance and compassion. And in February, I wrote about another false dichotomy--healthy comfort food--over at Kitchen Stewardship.

Throughout the years I have learned much from my relationship with food. But recently I learned some important life lessons from baking:

1. Life's not ideal, and that's great!
2. Preparation is different than prevention.
3. Check your temperature: do you need more heat or do you need to chill?

I came to these important realizations while learning to make eclairs. Pictured here are virgin pina colada (lime curd, coconut whipped cream, toasted coconut flakes, and vanilla lime flavored marbled fondant,) pink lemonade (lemon curd, coconut whipped cream, candied citrus and pink lemon glaze,) chocolate citrus (lemon curd, coconut whipped cream, candied citrus and chocolate ganache,) and chocolate berry cream (seedless raspberry jam, coconut whipped cream, and chocolate ganache.)

Depending on how you fill them they're not a sugary dessert and they're surprisingly easy to make hypoallergenic! I began by starting with Glutenista's Gluten-free eclair recipe, studying her troubleshooting tips, and watching tutorials by Mary Berry and several others online.

Missing Ingredients Doesn't Mean Missing Out

Ideally, I knew what the pitfalls were and how to avoid them. I was on my way to perfect, hypoallergenic eclairs! Or so I thought.

I thought I followed the recipe exactly, but I knew something was wrong with the pastry batter. I hurried to watch another step by step tutorial and reread the troubleshooting tips. I added a little flour and tried to chill the batter, but it was obvious I wouldn't be able to bake the dough as directed.

Wracking my brain for scientific reasons why this bake wasn't behaving as it should, I discovered a small yet significant mistake: no xanthan gum.

Because I bake gluten-free whenever possibly, some delicacies are difficult to make without a little ingenuity and help from science. Xanthan gum helps give structure and elasticity to gluten-free dough so one can enjoy things like pizza crust, pasta, and yes, even eclairs. I bought the fool-proof gluten-free baking flour from King Arthur flour and I thought it had failed me for the first time. But it was I who forgot the significance of 3 tiny words on the box: no xanthan gum.

I quickly whipped up a half batch of batter with xanthan gum and it did much better. I was also careful to pay closer attention to its temperature while whisking in the eggs.

Sometimes we go through life trying to achieve the ideal results while working with a less-than-ideal situation. When baking it's important to know how long to bake something and at what temperature. Some batters have to be handled only when they've reached a certain temperature. The directions explain ideal conditions.

Knowing why directions are what they are can help a baker figure out necessary adjustments. But sometimes you'll still get stuck with a melted ice cream cake or deflated souffle.

Check Your Temperature

I used to think that if I was prepared enough I could face anything: that if I was prepared for the absolute worst, then it couldn't happen to me.

But part of being prepared for the curve balls in life isn't about preventing them from happening: it's about learning to juggle them. Some awkward moments in life can be avoided or made less uncomfortable with foresight. And sometimes, despite all our studying and best intentions, everything can go horribly wrong.

I have yet to bake anything in my mini doughnut pan that I
don't destroy when I dig it out with a spoon.

 Remember that batter that was just too runny because of its missing ingredient? It turns out that while I couldn't bake it, this batter fried up nicely. I was surprised to find that the answer was to simply turn up the heat. The dough expanded once it made contact with the hot oil. Baking it at 400 F then drying it out at a lower temperature just didn't work. 

Similarly, sometimes I grow most and produce best in life when I've got a bit of a fire lit underneath me. Sometimes we need a bit of extra pressure to reach higher and achieve greater things.

And that second, smaller batch I whipped up? After adding the extra step of putting it in the fridge before finishing the recipe's instructions, I got the delicious results expected. Sometimes in life we've got to just chill. We may already have what we need but be too worked up to make the best of what we've got.

And this isn't just baking talk.

Choose your filling

If you've had the pleasure to watch the episode of The Great British Bake-off, you'll know that there are all kinds of options for flavoring and filling eclairs. Even when limited by your needs, taste preferences, and available ingredients, you're likely still left with several options. There might be more than one "right choice" for you. Different flavors are more satisfying to different people. So find something that leaves you feeling filled. Again this isn't just baking talk.

Ready for the recipe?

My vegan adaptation of Glutenista's eclairs with one extra step can be found here: https://www.kitchenstewardship.com/gluten-dairy-free-pastry/

Going to Yale? Guess Not Yet

A few short weeks ago I received a rejection letter from Yale's School of Music. Initially my husband and I wondered if this decision stemmed from a missing letter of recommendation. I sent a request for confirmation at the urging of several friends who expressed more frustration and sorrow than I've yet to feel about it. I am surprisingly at peace not knowing what future projects await me. I did receive a courteous and personal response that very day, assuring me that my recordings were judged even though I was missing a letter of recommendation (I emailed the recommender in question and he says he sent it, but maybe it was sent too late for consideration and therefore marked as un-received?)

If you'd like to listen to my audition recordings I have uploaded some of the recordings to a playlist. This playlist will continue to grow.

Philippians 4:6 has several different translations and I find them all illustrative.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. (NIV)

Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. (KJV)

[a]Be nothing careful, but in all things let your requests be showed unto God in prayer and supplication with [b]giving of thanks. (1599 Geneva Bible)

Footnotes:
Philippians 4:6 The third is, that we be not too careful for anything, but with sure confidence give God thanks, and crave of him whatsoever we have need of, that with a quiet conscience we may wholly and with all our hearts submit ourselves to him.
Philippians 4:6 So David began very oft with tears, but ended with thanksgiving.

I love finding links between anxiety and prayer in the scriptures. I have always had a testimony of prayer and that has helped to soften my depression and anxiety even in the worst of times. But my testimony didn't prevent these trials. So I needed to deepen my understanding.

The Light of Hope

In the past couple of days I've testified multiple times of feeling hopeful and lighter in every sense of the word. 

Just hours before my brother's arrive home from a full-time mission, I had a beautiful lunch with the two sister missionaries here. We watched the press conference announcing the new first presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. While several questions were asked and answers were given, what I'll remember most are the promptings I received and the wonderful discussion and testimony sharing I enjoyed this afternoon. We discussed the tangible (and intangible) blessings of the sacrifices made by those we love and most especially the Atonement of the One Who Loved Most. I felt His peace and forgiveness today and I thank those who helped to make it happen. #sharegoodness #grateful #PrinceofPeace #tone

Isaiah 40:31 "But those who wait for the LORD will renew their strength. They will mount up with wings like eagles. They will run and not be weary, they will walk and not be faint." #soap #sharegoodness#goodthingscometothosethatwait

When we are overwhelmed and disappointed that "all we can do" is obviously not enough, the Lord can and will bear us up as on eagle's wings. This goes beyond rekindling our hope; he promises to grant us strength to keep going! I never realized the second half of this promise.

How Can I Keep from Singing?

I kind of want to go to grad school still. I like Yale's Early and Sacred Music program best but their graduate school just rejected me. I have learned from the year of preparation and will continue to sing and sing well.

On the one hand I feel more free to pursue other interests now. But I also have less extrinsic motivation to continue with my music. I pray the Lord will inspire me to find reasons to keep challenging myself and to continue to grow in my abilities as a singer so that I can better deliver the messages He has placed within me. 

I feel like the verse in Isaiah is saying don't worry and don't be too hasty to take action. Just stand still and let God take care of it, because you have done and are doing all you can (whether it be the future of my master's degree, the possibility of getting pregnant, or whatever else 2018 has to offer.)

The atonement of Jesus Christ has truly lifted me up on eagles wings.

This Is Me: An Anthem

Confession: I still haven’t seen that new movie, The Greatest Showman. (Nothing against the movie itself; we just rarely go to the theater to watch movies for the first time because it’s much cheaper to rent them and I don’t get migraines that way.)

But like much of the world I have listened to pieces of the soundtrack on repeat.

There are a lot of covers already popping up all over the place and one song in particular caught my ear and my heart. “This is Me” is an anthem of self acceptance and inclusion, a message for the world. But as I listened to several versions (click here to listen to my two favorites,) I heard undertones of a different message.

If I did a music video of this piece It would show a black and white picture of me and then the words would start to pop up. Not the lyrics, but the messages of darkness that sometimes taint my soul: You’re not good enough, etc. It would be something of a mom guilt anthem, of a woman seeking and desperately grasping onto her life’s purpose.

Somewhere on Youtube I watched an interview where the director and lead actors realized that this song would be “an anthem.” I really love that. But the anthem that I hear isn’t one of accepting my faults and confidently telling the world that I’m okay with these imperfections, perceived and otherwise. 

The song in my soul sings a slightly different tune.

I know I have labels that aren’t true; but in the moment, they feel true enough to stick. I know I have imperfections that make me who I am today; but in this song I hear the message of Christ: Come unto Christ and be perfected in him.

I find the acceptance the movie testifies of by knowing who I am yes. But that knowledge comes from my Heavenly Father who sent his son, Jesus Christ to live and die for me. And for you.

Here is what I hear when life's music starts to play:

I am not a stranger to the dark

Hide away, they say,

'Cause we don't want your broken parts.

I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars.

Run away, they say.

No one'll love you as you are.

But I won't let them break me down to dust

I know that there's a place for us

For we are glorious.

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

[Got to shine your light to] drown them out.

[Christ the Lord came to save

So I could be all] I'm meant to be: 

[He saved me.]

Look out 'cause here I come (here I come)

[There’s a place for all in the Lord’s kingdom

Christ the Lord came to save

So we could be all we’re] meant to be: 

[He saved me.]

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Oh-oh-oh-oh 

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Oh-oh-oh-oh 

Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh

Another round of bullets hits my skin

Well, fire away 'cause today, I won't let the shame sink in.

We are bursting through the barricades and

Reaching for the [Son] (we are warriors)

Yeah, that's what we've become (yeah, that's what we've become)

[Repent from sin we must.]

I know that there's a place for us,

For we are glorious. 

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

[I feel your love and it drowns] them out.

[Christ the Lord came to save

So I could be all] I'm meant to be: 

[He saved me.]

[Someday again He’ll come

And with grace He’ll rule in His kingdom.

Christ the Lord came to save

So we could be all we’re] meant to be, [set us free.]

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Oh-oh-oh-oh (He saved me…)

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Oh-oh-oh-oh (He set us free....)

Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

[I will shine your light and] drown them out.

[Christ the Lord came to save

So I could be all] I'm meant to be: [He saved me.]

How to be a Great Gospel Teacher: Lessons Learned From My Father

Step one: Become a great gospel learner. 

Step two: recognize the difference between learning and teaching (hint: it's more subtle than you may think according to Elder Bednar.)

Two Things to Remember When Teaching Children About The Gospel
First, it's is the most important thing you can teach your child because it is part of keeping them alive! And second, children learn best by example. Even if you feel like you are going through the motions or doing things just for show, everyone involved will eventually learn to hear the music of the gospel if their "normal" is a constant view of its dance steps (bonus points for recognizing the General conference reference!) If you love going to the temple or General Conference and make those experiences a priority, you're well one your way. Everything can somehow relate to the gospel, so be on the look out for prime teaching moments; they happen more often than you realize!

That said, something important I've learned in dealing with toddlers young and old is to remember what Elder S. Mark Palmer so recently taught: "No teaching or learning will ever occur when done in frustration or anger, and hearts will not change where love is not present." Learning to recognize your child's frustrated signs and give them the tools to recognize and remove their frustration (a masking mixture of emotions) will help both of you learn and teach better. Giving them the tools they need may involve learning your own frustration triggers and finding ways to effectively mediate them. It's another life process that is learned by doing :)

So what are my secrets?
1. Family Home Evening. Have it and have it weekly. Always have a gospel lesson suited to the needs and attention spans of your family members and try to have it on a day other than the Sabbath. The lesson should be more than just scripture study. With really young-in-the-gospel audiences I've found it helpful to review or preview that week's Primary lesson. There are also several blogs I follow that given me great inspiration: Pinning with Purpose and We Talk of Christ to name a couple.

2. Twice-a-day Family Prayers. 

http://www.jeankeatonart.com/store/for-such-is-the-kingdom/family-prayer/

What better way to teach children about God and His gospel than to talk with Him? As we improve our own personal prayers and invite them to do the same, children may learn the nuances between food prayers, break the fast prayers, ordinance prayers, etc.

3. Daily family scripture study. I am a firm believer that children should hear the written word in its purest form as well as study the scriptures in a way that meets their own needs. to that end we study the scriptures two or three different ways each day: 1 page of the Book of Mormon at breakfast (or at dinner if some of us sleep in), telling of scripture stories in everyday language but with key doctrines underscored by quoted verses (this especially worked well for the first 3 years of bedtime), listening to Scripture Scouts (another bedtime routine and one that I grew up with), and reading through all of the illustrated Children's readers again and again.

All these things I have learned in my youth from parents who used well the gifts of the spirit as given to them. The Holy Ghost has taught me countless applications for the teachings of the prophets as taught to me by my parents. Happy Father's Day Dad!

"Trust in the Lord, and whatsoever things He say unto you: do it."

This blog post really spoke to me and said some of the same things I wanted to address in this post.

Lately the Lord has invited me to do some things that are unexpected, feel big. And frankly, I'm not even quite sure how to accomplish them. Do you know that feeling? Whether it is understanding our infertility, preparing for our second cross-country move, or applying for graduate school after a decade of not being a student, I've got a bundle of blessings on my plate that I cannot quite wrap my head around. I tried to phrase some of these concerns as questions or statements and then bring them to the Lord this past weekend. I got some deeply personal answers and would like to share a bit more with you in hopes of encouraging you on your journey of faith.

During Elder L. Whitney Clayton's talk I got up to go to the bathroom. When I returned, the first full sentence I caught upon reentering the chapel nearly stopped me in my tracks: it was an answer to every single one of my pondering questions/concerns! This bittersweet experience was made all the more memorable when my 5 year old noticed my briefly saddened face: 

"Mommy, why are you sad?" she asked.

Taking her in my lap I thanked God for this teaching moment before explaining, "I just got an answer to one of my pondering questions. I am happy because I have an answer and I know it is from God. But I am sad because it isn't the answer I wanted."

Whether you prepared for Conference far in advance or not, I invite you to ponder and learn with me today as we consider several scriptural accounts of obedience and apply key principles to our lives so our faith can grow and help us better endure as disciples of Christ.

First Scriptural Example: Mary, the Mother of Jesus

At the risk of overstating the obvious, Mary had faith.  I love trying to embrace in my own life such examples. Comment below with what other characters from history/ the scriptures have inspired you through their faithful obedience despite not knowing how to do what was asked of them. As I seek to mimic the faith of Mary and countless others, it has helped me to cling to the belief that "I [can] go and do what the Lord has commanded, for [like Nephi,] I know the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men save he shall prepare a way for them, that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them."

Elder L. Whitney Clayton began by commenting on Mary's faith. "She committed herself without exactly understanding why He was asking that of her or how things would work out." This praise for Mary, the mother of Jesus, should be considered attainable praise for all disciples of Christ. Obviously none of us are being asked to give birth to and raise the Only Begotten Son, but each of us has eternal errands to perform. God has warned us that His ways are not our ways, so it follows that we often may not understand entirely what is being asked of us. This lack of understanding need not however, constitute a lack of obedience or trust on our part. 

So how do we conceive and maintain such faith? I love what the Bible Dictionary says on prayer:

         "Prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into 

         correspondence with each other...[It] is a form of work and is an appointed means for obtaining 

         the highest of all blessings." 

Elder Clayton further taught, "When we decide to do whatsoever God sayeth unto us, we earnestly commit to align our everyday behavior with God's will. Such simple acts of faith as studying the scriptures daily, fasting regularly, and praying with real intent, deepen our well of spiritual capacity to meet the demands of mortality." I have felt the truth of this countless times in my life; this work is a constant part of growing my testimony as well as part of its foundation.

Exercise #1: Fill Your Soul With Faith

In what ways can we faithfully "fill up our own water pots to brim" so that "like water to wine, our lives [will be] transformed"?      

Elder Clayton suggested an answer to this question: "Those who are deliberate about doing the small and simple things--obeying in seemingly little ways--are blessed with strength and faith that go far beyond the acts of obedience themselves. It may seem hard to draw a connection between the basic, daily acts of obedience and the big, complicated problems we face, but they are related." 

Have you ever "committed [yourself] without exactly understanding why He was asking that of [you] or how things would work out"? What helped you endure the lack of answers as you waited upon the Lord? 

My deepened well of gracious strength has brought me peace throughout my life, including now; Elder Clayton bore similar testimony. Obviously these are personal questions but I'd love to have your feedback even if it isn't here in the comments below.

Second Scriptural Example of Faith: Naaman

Elder Clayton then told the story of Naaman, captain of the Syrian army and a leper, who was miraculously healed by the prophet Elisha. Now you probably don't have leprosy. But like me you may have notable challenges beyond your own ability to solve. Naaman's reaction to the prophetic counsel he received reminds me of when the Israelites had to chose to look up at the brass serpent their prophet held in order to be healed. This small act had significant consequences."Small acts of faith, even when they seem insignificant or entirely disconnected from the specific problems that vex us, bless us in all we do." Whatever one's current challenge may be, small and simple acts of faith are the closet thing we have to a one-size-fits-all solution. (see Exercise #1: fill your soul with faith.) I am so grateful to already be feeling this solution at work in my life as I ponder my plate of incomprehensible blessings.

Later on in his talk Elder Clayton taught,"[God] cautions us that we shouldn't expect easy answers or quick fixes from Heaven. Things work out when we stand firm in the trial of our faith, however hard that test may be to endure and however slow the answers may be in coming." A second lesson I treasure from pondering this familiar Old Testament tale is God's timing and how my willingness effects it. Sometimes I delay the effectiveness of a solution by not fully committing to promptings I don't fully understand. Sometimes I feel obediently committed in an instant and yet still find myself wanting answers. Instead of removing a trying experience, God may "solve" your problem by providing you with peace, insight, or empathy. I have definitely felt His promised strength in a myriad of ways. 

Shortest Verses in All of Scripture
Recently my brother wrote us from his mission in Arizona. Jonathan "found this little passage in 1 Thessalonians 5, which contains 4 of the shortest scriptures in all of the standard works.

16 Rejoice evermore.
17 Pray without ceasing.
19 Quench not the Spirit.
20 Despise not prophesyings.

It's interesting that all of those themes are still alive and well today in the counsel from our living prophets and apostles. So that's my invitation for you: find joy, regardless of your circumstances; pray always; don't do anything that would drive the Spirit away; and follow the prophet. That's a sure-fire recipe for success!"

Point of Perspective: Lessons from Life's Eternal Moments

When upon life's billows you are tempest-tossed,

When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,

Count your many blessings; name them one by one,

And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

Faith, hope, and charity grant us a more compassionate and complete perspective of our past, our present, and our future. Loving Christ and loving like Him (for ourselves and others) is what it means to me to have faith, hope, and charity. Thinking of these 3 eternal principles as they apply to these lyrics:

When upon life's billows you are

Sometimes life is just hard. It's not anyone's fault and there isn't much you may be able to do to alleviate your circumstances. But even in these uncomfortable shadows, faith fuels the light of Christ which fuels the flame of hope. Charity can soften and sweeten the bitterness always, but especially in these times.

Thinking all is lost

I have faith, hope, and charity when I can recognize in the midst of a storm that perhaps all is not lost. People can change, life's circumstances rearrange, and the atonement makes it so nothing is truly lost.

Count your many blessings

I have faith and hope when I recognize my blessings in the past and present but especially the future. God keeps His promises!

And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done

Sometimes I struggle to recognize the hand of God in order to keep my faith burning brightly. But more often I struggle to have the charity to see as He sees, to recognize opportunities for growth and embrace them. He often plants within me seeds that won't germinate until exposed to harsher conditions. Much like "forcing a bulb" to bloom in the winter, sometimes my character waits to bloom until it's triggered by the frosty experiences of life. In these moments it is especially important to have enough faith to stop, remember, and recognize, the Lord's presence in my life; when I do this I have more hope and it is easier to have charity.

Years ago President Uchtdorf taught that faith, hope, and charity are like the legs of a 3 legged stool: We need each of them and they work together in such a way that it is difficult to have one without having some of the other two. 

“Hope is one leg of a three-legged stool, together with faith and charity. These three stabilize our lives regardless of the rough or uneven surfaces we might encounter at the time. The scriptures are clear and certain about the importance of hope.” 

In talk with a friend this morning we recognized that sometimes hope burns bright and other times it is a dim flicker. But in both cases it is technically burning. It can be difficult to have hope in a bright future when one's past or present is dark. But one way I know I still have faith in God is when I can feel this treasured gift of the spirit: hope.

What is faith?
I won't take the time here to define faith. Rather I'll give a summarizing quote from a recent sermon from our beloved President Ucthdorf and encourage you to click on the link. I'll be waiting here for you to come back and finish reading :) Feel free to share what you learned!

"Faith is a strong conviction about something we believe, a conviction so strong that it moves us to do something we might not otherwise do. Faith is being sure of what we hope for and being certain of what we do not see....[T]here are more ways to see than with our eyes, more ways to feel than with our hands, more ways to hear than with our ears." 

Faith Hope, and Charity Build Upon Each Other

There are many lessons to be learned about faith, hope, and charity in the story of Peter walking on the water. I'll briefly highlight a few hear as encouragement for you to find your own. Feel free to share in the comments section examples of how faith, hope, and charity build upon each other. It takes faith to believe that this experience really happened of course, but let us delve deeper.

Having faith in Christ and His atonement allows me to be forgiving and compassionate to others and to myself. Having faith and hope as I prayerfully strive to align my will with God's, changes me into a woman who loves and lives more like Christ would if He were in my shoes. This is what it means to me to be a woman of faith, to have these 3 eternal truths resonating in my life. Our beloved, living prophet taught, “In a 100 small ways, all of you wear the mantle of charity." President Monson continued,"May we have the pure love of Christ for our fellow travels in this journey through life. May we recognize that each one is doing her or his best to deal with the challenges which come their way. And may we strive to do our best to help out.”

I especially love the phrase "fervent charity.“To do whatsoever is gentle and human, to cheer and to bless in humanity's name,” as angelic motto for any Christian to adopt. I love the hymn from whence this line comes. While the second verses confirms the title that as sisters in Zion we have a special work to do, the third verse is not limited to our eternally given gender-based roles. May we all exercise faith, hope, and charity as we prepare for General Conference this weekend is my prayer.

How vast is our purpose, how broad is our mission,

If we but fulfill it in spirit and deed.

Oh, naught but the Spirit's divinest tuition

Can give us the wisdom to truly succeed.

A Modern Disciple: How This Mother is Coming to Christ

What does the invitation "Come unto Christ" look like for me, in my life? 

At the heart of my testimony as a disciple of Christ is my favorite scripture Philippians 4:13. 

“As you do these things, the Lord will make much more out of your life than you can by yourself. He will increase your opportunities, expand your vision, and strengthen you.He will give you the help you need to meet your trials and challenges.You will gain a stronger testimony and find true joy as you come to know your Father in Heaven and His Son, Jesus Christ, and feel Their love for you.”For the Strength of Youth (booklet, 2011), 43.

As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, one way I come unto Christ is by listening to the words of living prophets every 6 months. As I've pondered and reviewed April 2016's General Conference sessions, more questions for pondering have come into my mind.

If you've read my recent blog post about Victoria starting kindergarten you may have caught a whiff of my struggles in balancing and some of the labels I deal with. Studying Elder Hallstrom's talk "I Am a Child of God" reminded me that my most predominant labels should be the eternal ones. Countless talks spoke to me of meekness and humility. I love the Bible Dictionary's explanation of prayer being the act of aligning our will with the Lord's. I especially loved Bishop Waddell's formula for peace: 1) Learn of true doctrine. 2) Listen to the Holy Ghost and let it lead you to repentance. 3) Walk in and with Christ.

Wife, mother, daughter of God.

Whether you're striving to feel the Lord's peace in your life our impart it to others--THAT is the essence of what coming unto Christ means to me. It may feel different at different times and manifest itself in a variety of ways. But I echo the true words of W. Christopher Waddell, "We may not have the ability to control all that happens around us, but we can control how we apply the pattern for peace that the Lord has provided—a pattern that makes it easy to think often about Jesus."

What does "Come unto Christ" look like in my life for those around me? 

From personal experiences as both the receiver and the giver, I second Elder Neil L. Andersen's testimony that "[k]nowing someone's name can make a difference." But whether or not you know someone personally, you can still be a light in their lives whenever they enter your sphere of influence.

"None of us should be defined by the worst thing we have ever done," taught Kevin R. Duncan. While many of us crave justice in our everyday lives, at the end of the day we ALL need the Lord's merciful grace. That is why forgiveness has such transcendent power. Kevin R. Duncan taught regarding forgiveness: "We need not be a victim twice." Yes, I should let go of bitterness, resentment, etc. before it gets anymore toxic inside me; yet that is easier said than done.

With the aid of social media, there is plenty of judgement going around--usually unwarranted and highly subjective. I believe that truth is not a subjective thing and that there are instances where right and wrong have been clearly defined by the Lord. This means that whether or not a person believes something to be true does NOT change whether or not that principle is actually true. It also does not exclude Christ's disciples from unkindness. I once heard the analogy of a cheesecake: be lovingly firm. We needn't apologize for our testimony of truth or water down doctrine to make it more palatable. But we can and should be soft and loving in our delivery. I may disagree with you but it needn't feel disagreeable.

The Right Answer, The Ultimate Answer: Christ
Christ is the answer. "None other has had so profound an influence upon all who have lived or will yet live upon the earth. He was the Great Jehovah of the Old Testament, the Messiah of the New." Through the infinite virtue of his great atoning sacrifice, all injustice can be made right and mercy can prevail. It is how we can overcome disappointing situations and take control of the uncontrollable: we come to God, lay our burdens at His feet, and do what He asks of us while He takes care of our problems. By taking care of us, His children.

"Come unto Christ. Come unto Him, and by His grace be made holy again. He's calling your name; he's waiting for you...with arms open wide, come unto Christ." Let us open are arms to embrace Christ and let Him into our lives more fully by placing Him at the center. I know that miracles will surely follow.