Bumpdate #2: Gratitude at 28 weeks

Birth, the Miracle that Keeps on Giving
My sister Rebecca just gave birth a little over a week ago and my sister Elizabeth announced recently that she'll be giving birth ~13 weeks after me! Several friends of mine are also pregnant, some for the first time and some after years of trying. Something about pregnancy seems to prepare us for the sacrifices ahead.

It's usually easier to find words for the difficulties and disappointments than it is to give voice to the transcendental goodness that comes from having a child in your life. No language I have studied or heard of seems to have found the words yet to describe the various emotional cocktails I've been drinking lately. Whether it's my eight year old happily volunteering to sing in church with me or begging to audition for the musical after school, Baby Peanut's active personality and consistent movements, the compassion of the midwives at Swedish, or the awe and delight in my husband's voice as he explains how impressive and distracting the baby's movements were rehearsal... there is so much goodness and grace to be had! I cannot help but be grateful that I was able to get on this roller coaster ride once again.

28 Blessings in 28 weeks
Since this is the month where everyone seems to express the most gratitude and we've entered the third trimester, I thought I would jump on the bandwagon and make a list from these last two trimesters. Thanks to Victoria for helping me find words for some of these!

1. That we could afford IVF
2. That we could do our frozen embryo transfer despite our cross-country move
3. That Greg's new employer covered moving costs like professional movers & airplane tickets
4. My mother in-law and countless CT friends who helped with that busy month of May
5. That my body accepted this pregnancy
6. Quickly finding compassionate and thorough medical assistance here in WA
7. Getting an earlier ultrasound to confirm the health and safety of me and the baby
8. Neighbors and friends but also strangers who were genuinely joyful at our news even when I was still struggling to believe it
9. New & dear friends who could help me get to the ER for treatments when needed (9.5 weeks)
10. Various artists on Youtube sharing their relaxing music to help calm my morning-sick nerves
11. Hypnobirthing breathing exercises & guided meditations to help calm my morning-sick nerves and rid myself of worries
12. A responsible and resourceful 8 year old daughter who often takes care of herself and me
13. Uplifting and edifying birth stories on A Heavenly Welcome and other websites
14. A rekindled love of scripture study as I ponder what God has to say and seek after promised blessings in pregnancy and parenthood
15. Having a bath tub and powerful hot water heater
16. Biocleanse (hypoallergenic magnesium & fiber supplement) from Plexus
17. Being able to teach voice and sing well Handel's Messiah amid the constant changes of my instrument
18. Priceless one-on-one yoga & pilates instruction throughout the rest of this pregnancy: thanks Gretchen Wiese!
19. Despite it being cold and flu season our entire household has been healthy and protected!
20. Weekly temple visits during the second trimester (and hopefully the third)
21. Lactose-free milk: easily consuming a gallon and a half each week I have been dubbed a "milk bibber"
22. Positive scripture-based pregnancy affirmations & guided meditations from A Heavenly Welcome
23. Being able to get the Tdap vaccine while pregnant so that my unborn baby can absorb my antibodies and be blessed with partial immunity to some fatal illness
24. A wood-burning fireplace for a beautiful source of warmth in our home
25. A flexible schedule for when my body decides to be less than flexible
26. Online classes like BYU Independent Study so I can renew my teaching certification from the comfort of my own home & at my own pace
27. Having enough money from Greg's new job & my voice studio to have our needs and wants provided
28. A supportive husband (whether it's leaving the car at home for me to use, doing the dishes and laundry, or being the patient parent and partner he is)

Bumpdate: Spiritual and Physical Lessons through Pregnancy

As an organized, creative, and slightly impulsive person I love to find and nurture beauty and truth so I can share it with others. I recently learned that the archaic meaning of the word prove is "to learn from ones own experience." I hope that some of the experiences I share resonate with you on your life journey, but more so I pray that you'll be inspired to seek out your own learning opportunities.

Living in God's Rest through Pregnancy, Birth, & Motherhood

I recently watched a Youtube video from A Heavenly Welcome and was struck by how versatile and applicable this lesson was. What does it mean to you to live in God's rest? How does that affect your day to day actions as a spouse, a parent, a neighbor, and even just as an individual?

There are two ways that I have experienced God's rest and His presence in my life recently: 1) discovering the symbiotic relationship of faith and hope and 2) God is enough and He wants to share His abundance.

Relearning faith and hope

Faith and hope in God look different at different times in my life and even feel different for people who seem to be going through similar circumstances. Because it was difficult to get pregnant again, I had to relearn and rebuild my relationship with God. I had grown up having young faith in Him and His will, which I knew would always prevail. But I didn't understand hope.


Hope means that I can feel blessed with peace when I don't understand or I feel unheard and misunderstood. It means that even when God says, "No," or "Not yet," to a good wish or righteous desire, I can choose to have joyous hope in His goodness. Many times God doesn't immediately deliver us and yet at the same time, He does. God could have helped us conceive much sooner than the seven years it took, but I've learned not to begrudge Him those growing pains that I needed. During the drawn out process of conception and confirming that my body wasn't going to miscarry, we had many angels help us in IL, CT, and WA. So many people were praying for us!

One of the last testing days 
at Yale's infertility clinic

Kyle S. McKay testified that:

God also gives immediate hope for eventual deliverance.6 No matter what, no matter where, in Christ and through Christ there is always hope smiling brightly before us.7 Immediately before us.

Moreover, He has promised, “My kindness shall not depart from thee.”8

My Shepherd will supply my need

This pregnancy I have been praying to understand and receive God's love so that I can be more compassionate. It is a necessary resource I find myself constantly running out of. Do you ever feel yourself frustrated running out of time, patience, or even money? God wishes to share His abundant goodness with each of us as His children: HE IS ENOUGH. So what does that mean for your fears and frustrations?

One way God has been enough for me lately is by sharing His love. Throughout my life but especially this pregnancy, I have yearned "to taste and savor His delicious love." (Song of Solomon 2:3-4) In answer to these prayers He has been teaching me about His joy.

When was the last time you witnessed joy? So many times in my first trimester I was grateful for the joyful support for friends and even strangers: the staff workers at the Navitat ropes course in TN when they found out why only Greg and Victoria were participating; the cashier at Michael's in WA when we purchased supplies to embroider Victoria's "big sister at last" T shirt; and my aunts who supported us in grad school during the initial infertility diagnosis and rejoiced with us in our pregnancy announcement this summer. Their happiness for me allowed me to choose my own happiness over the creeping doubts and worries that so often accompany a pregnancy.

My favorite scripture regarding our joy in the Lord is Alma 26:16.

Therefore, let us glory, yea, we will glory in the Lord; yea, we will rejoice, for our joy is full; yea, we will praise our God forever. Behold, who can glory too much in the Lord? Yea, who can say too much of his great power, and of his mercy, and of his long-suffering towards the children of men? Behold, I say unto you, I cannot say the smallest part which I feel.

Ask and Ye shall Receive

John 15:7, 11 reads: If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. ...I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.

See also John 16:33. While declaring my faith in the Lord's promises, I have been careful to ask in prayer without a sense of commanding God. I've sought out many promised blessings and received many more as I laid my cares at the feet of Christ. Matt 11:28-30.

I had very few fears of childbirth from my previous experiences but as I mentioned earlier, I had sort of lost faith in my ability to work with God because of how long it took us to conceive. So I learned to play this great game called "Worry with God." Anytime I found myself worrying about a scenario I learned to lengthen my "what if..." question: What if the worse case scenario happens and God shows up in a miraculous way? This has reinforced the lesson that God is enough; He is not limited by my circumstances and will provide for my needs and wants.

I testify that God's grace is enough. It is enough to support me through the ups and downs of infertility, pregnancy, cross-country moves, and so much more. I love that as I prepare for the birth physically and spiritually, and as I show my gratitude and faith through obedience, I build hope and trust in Him.

Finding God's Grace Through Productive Thinking

When I am "stuck" doing things I don't really want to be doing but I do them anyway (as a wife and mother I have many tasks that float in and out of that realm,) I am learning to be more like Christ. He didn't want to sacrifice but was willing to do it anyway. While none of my sacrifices will compare in significance and impact to the world, I have countless opportunities to

• do things for others that they cannot do for themselves.
• do things for my household that no one else can do.
• enable others to do what they need or want to do.

Remembering all this helps me when I lack the motivation to do the unwanted. I may not have the will power to change that task into a want-to-do item, but I can do it anyway because I do want to enable others and empower them. By doing so I enable and empower myself!

Sometimes I am overwhelmed as a house wife and mother to a young child because of all the things I feel I need to do. But some of that overwhelm is of my own choosing and completely unnecessary. When I get fearful that if I don't do something it won't get done, sometimes it's best for me and those I am serving to experience that thing not getting done so that others can recognize the task as being one worth doing.

For example, I really want to teach my daughter responsibility by having her do a daily chore or two; she knows what they are. When I am tempted to feel frustrated with her for not setting the table and we are hungrily waiting to eat dinner because there's nothing to eat it on or with, I can choose not to set the table and we'll just joke about eating with invisible dishes before saying a prayer and then she'll make her choice from there. Or if she doesn't put her dirty clothes away, I can go about my day and move them out of my way but not put them in the laundry until she notices the pile and/or runs out of things to wear and then she'll make her choice from there. In order for her to learn responsibility, she needs to discover her own life moments where if she doesn't do it then it doesn't get done! I can also try and notice what she is doing instead of whatever I was hoping she'd do, so that I can try to see value in her current choice instead of the choice I was expecting her to make.

And if I end up doing something myself I can replace with resentful self talk with positivity like, My family is so blessed to have someone like me and I am so blessed that I am physically capable of doing this work.
Sometimes we struggle to reconcile our reality with what we want or feel is supposed to be. This made me think of a people-pleasing anecdote that can work for when we are at odds with ourselves. The following poem is by Dr. Kent M. Keith that is inscribed on the wall of Mother Theresa's orphanage in Calcutta, India.

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;

Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;

Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;

Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;

Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;

Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;

It was never between you and them anyway.

When I am being unreasonable or illogical and self centered I can forgive myself. I can always strive to do the right thing for the right reason and try to presume others will do the same. I can overcome my fear and spend monumental effort creating because even if it is not fully appreciated or gets destroyed, I know that it was still worth doing. I can forget the good that I or others have done and feel handicapped in my ability to do and be good; but I will strive to do and be good anyway and work hard to recognize and remember the goodness of others and especially God. Because in the end it's all between Him and me anyway.

How have you been enabled by grace lately? How have you enabled others through your service?

Perfection Pending: Learning From Life's Broken Moments

This morning at the bus stop Victoria told me, "I don't like it when you talk like that." I asked her whether she was referring to my use of the adjective broken or my tone of voice and she without looking at me she replied, "Both."

Disclaimer: While I try to only apply the label broken to myself, it sometimes is one I use in front of my daughter when we are both upset so that one or both of us are knowingly thinking thoughts and making choices that don't serve us. 

"You know the scriptures use the word broken so I'm okay with using it but I will try to only ever use it in a pleasant, calm tone of voice." 

Second disclaimer: In the future I will try to never use broken to describe anyone since there are similar labels that can serve us better. More on that in a minute.

I feel like the word broken is offensive to many people. But God requires us to be broken. How many times in the scriptures do we read the phrase "a broken heart and a contrite spirit"? It turns out that brokenness is involved before getting into heaven so my dear sweet daughter, please don't be offended if I use broken to describe either of us. There are so many things that can be broken about us. But that doesn't mean that it's permanent or that we're somehow inferior. It means that we're in a position to realize just how much we need God! Brokenness will be my companion and yours in this life but when we recognize it as the opportunity for God's grace to change us, in that moment we are becoming unbroken and saved beings.

Evidence of The Fall

If you're feeling uncomfortable with the word broken consider these similar thoughts from my dear friend Summer Harper:
I think it's a cool concept and it actually made me think of a similar word which is also scriptural but would maybe serve me personally better: fallen. We're in a "fallen world" and we have these fallen, less-than bodies. But I don't think it does the emotional heart-wrenching of broken... I never thought of the word broken. I see where it's in the scriptures. I think that before meditating on it, it isn't a word that serves me but it's cool that it serves you. As for telling it to a child, I would make sure not that they don't just simply understand it but that they can see it and understand it from the perspective of the scriptures. But as far as my kids and using the word broken, they're going to think "worthless and not good." Because when a toy breaks we through it away. We get rid of it [because] we don't keep broken things. At least, that's the way we've structured our home and the way I think they would first thing of it. And fallen isn't a word my kids would associate with anything else so I could teach them that principle. And even if they may not grasp it at first, they're not going to associate it with something else that's commonly used [in a negative way.] 

The last time I intuitively ate lunch: apple and cheese
quesadilla on GF spinach wrap with GF chicken nuggets.

I am broken and fallen. I've been feeling less broken in that I am overcoming my battles with anxiety and depression; and I feel hopeful that our secondary infertility is not meant to be a permanent battle. But I am broken because intuitive eating is something that doesn't consistently exist in my world. While I wouldn't say that I have anorexia anymore, I would say that I am currently suffering from "disordered eating" as some therapists call it. And it makes it hard to take care of my body. But I still try to love my body. I'm not not eating because I'm self conscious about the shape or weight of my body. I'm not eating because I don't know how to process the stimuli around me. I am making food a lower priority because there are more pressing things on my mind right now, so my fallen body refuses to let me prepare, eat, or otherwise enjoyably digest food. And that makes me feel broken. And I'm okay with that.

It's not something I'm going to accept lying down and not doing anything about. But I am accepting of it. Which is the first step in being able to choose to change. This also allows me to continue living a life that's worth living! I have the choice to not stay fallen but rather be lifted by the grace of God as I try to make better choices and rise above any less-than-ideal circumstances.

Redeemed by Grace

When people are thinking and acting in ways that don't serve themselves or anyone else, I can still believe in their potential for perfection. Their lives are worth living and if they're not living up to their potential that is between them and God. I too have the potential to be perfect! Speaking as the scriptures do, we all liven in a fallen world with fallen bodies. "For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive." 1 Corinthians 15:22 "For Adam fell that men might be; and men are that they might have joy." 2 Nephi 2:25.

Let me give you a few more examples of perfection-pending moments from my life.

Feeling Frustration

I feel like my daughter doesn't get frustrated often but when she does, it's often a big deal because she doesn't know how to process it and isn't open to suggestions. In those moments especially, I feel like I'm failing her as a mom when I see her failing to work through her emotions. But I need to remember that that's. Her. Choice. It is perfectly fine for me to leave the room when she's screaming and crying, so that I can hang on to my sanity and positive vibrations. I would like to eventually learn how to model other ways of working through uncomfortable feelings for when you cannot leave but for now, we're both still in our emotional childhood, learning and growing together. So of course emotional moments are going to feel messy and big.

Me nearly 8 years ago, waiting to give birth to my daughter

Summer suggested in response to my desire to learn other ways of processing uncomfortable emotions when you can't leave to think of it like the labor and delivery of a child. That is something the really resonated with me and was a connection I immediately made to her initial thoughts but one that she made for herself later on in our conversation. "That's when you simply feel it. You don't have to do a model on it. You just sit there and feel it and it feels like whatever emotion...and you can close your eyes if you want. Kind of like when you're in labor! You can't avoid it. You're experiencing it but you need to just feel it and let it process, you know?"

Learning from Acceptance

In the midst of writing these realizations my phone went off to let me know that it's lunch time and I thought, "Oh really? Because I'm still finishing breakfast. Hmm, I guess it's going to be one of those days." I found myself in a conversation with myself.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean one of those I-am-still-finishing-breakfast-but-I-guess-I'll-start-lunch-now kind of days."

I didn't beat myself up for losing track of time to the point of not noticing my body's needs. I also didn't deny that it's wrong to starve myself. Instead of there being any judgement, negativity, or guilt there was acceptance. And that's a beautiful new thing for me. I could then move onto thoughts like, "Well, I'm still feeling tired and hungry and a bit unmotivated. Okay, well let's do something about that."

In conclusion I offer us this pearl of wisdom from Patricia T. Holland: "We must have the courage to be imperfect while striving for perfection."

What evidences of the Fall are you working with in your life and how are you doing that?

What I'm Learning as I Try to Follow the Prophet

A prophet of God recently advised women to "participate in a 10-day fast from social media and from any other media that bring negative and impure thoughts to your mind. Pray to know which influences to remove during your fast." He also invited us to go to the temple, read the Book of Mormon by the end of the year, and study the purpose statement of Relief Society.

I knew that I didn't want my fast to be a strict, letter-of-the-law avoidance of social media and I realized that in praying to know which influences to remove during my fast, the Spirit might whisper a different answer to me than to others. I knew therefore that it wasn't my place to shame anyone who seemed to be doing their fast "wrong" or not doing it all. I knew it would and should be something of a sacrifice for me. Unlike a few others, I wasn't at all bothered by the timing of it because I don't think social media is a reliable place to obtain information about political candidates in the first place. 

Halfway through my fast I got quite sick and couldn't do much physically for several days; normally this would be a time of wasting my precious energy scrolling through online accounts. Instead I made note of the following lessons:

• First, I reach for social media when I am bored and/or want a distraction from the moment.
• Despite having low energy yet trying to avoid my default setting of being hyper motivated to get things done, I have been more productive overall--and less overwhelmed--about by all the things that need doing regardless of whether they get done.

  

  Example of productivity: we built Victoria a loft bed as a family! (I'm one several medications in this picture.)

• Ranking social media sites: Pinterest is far less detrimental than Facebook for me. While I do waste time sometimes on Pinterest, it is far more positive than Facebook and my news feed has fewer surprises. I am also avoiding YouTube and Netflix, which has been more challenging for me than Facebook.
            
                        

• Staying connected: There are a few people for whom Facebook messenger is my only means of contact. We use it like private email. I don't see a problem with that continuing. I also know that support groups on Facebook can be an invaluable necessity for a wide variety of struggles.
• Apparently many people are wondering when is it going to be the men's turn to receive this challenge. Several of my adult friends participated in the youth's invitation to fast. If you want to follow the prophet then do as the Holy Spirit directs you to! Also, I wish people would remember that there were 3 other tasks we were given by the prophet.

After reading the response of one friend who lost her newborn daughter to death, I admired her decision to share her thought processes regarding this challenge and was inspired to share my own. I conclude by sharing a parts of her response with her permission: 

I still used fb, wrote a couple Olivia letters, sought help & encouraged others in my grief groups. I reminded some women who were feeling abandoned by God that He does love us even when our lives are unbelievably hard. I will probably continue my fast & spend less time on fb because I did see almost immediate benefits from it.

Now to my point. Today someone finished her fast & felt the need to comment just what I said I didn't need.

It made me feel like crap...

Instead of typing what I want to her, I'm trying to turn my ugly feelings into a positive reminder that we should always think before we say something to others about how we perceive they're following God's word. We don't know what they're going through, & we don't know if what we say might be the thing that just makes them give up...

The path that I am walking is often lonely, full of thorns, & a lot of tears. As I have been on this path it has helped me see other's more clearly. Their path is hard too. I'm sure this woman really did feel like having to find other things to do while she was up at 2 am feeding a baby was a sacrifice. I am sure she is exhausted. I am sure her intent wasn't to make me feel terrible. But I am going to try a lot harder to keep my thoughts about how others are choosing to follow God to myself.

By fasting I learned for myself one of the beautiful points she makes here: I am going to try a lot harder to keep my thoughts about how others are choosing to follow God to myself. Instead I'll try to show loving support in person and online to everyone I meet. That's what I learned from her example and from following the prophet.

What is something you've learned as you've followed the prophet?

Schools of Choice and Welcoming in Spring

According to my archived emails, Greg last sent an update to the family in um...November 2015. Of course, it's not like we've been silent since then. So though it isn't my turn I thought I'd help play catch up while Greg writes his prelim paper and prepares two other presentations.

January highlights: 3 day weekend in Indianapolis with epic bubble baths and an R2D2 cake and watching the Russian Ballet perform Cinderella on a "Mommy-Daddy-Toria date"

February highlights: the Blue and Gold Banquet, Valentine's Day, a few theme days while our friend's dad was away at his first grad school conference

March at a glance
Week 1: We went to the annual Fairy Tale Ball at the Urbana Public Library.

Week 2: We battled super lice and won! Karen's advice was timely beyond all else. We got rid of it for good in less than a week while all or friends were still trying to battle it with other methods. Thank you Karen and your professional nit picking friend!

Week 3: Greg went to the APS conference and did well. We had theme days again (see photos.) The day after he got back we went to Newsies and the temple for a belated birthday celebration in Indy, courtesy of my aunt and uncle.

Week 4: We babysat an almost two year old for a week while her parents vacationed in Africa! We registered Victoria for kindergarten (see attached newspaper clipping) and were featured in the local newspaper. Easter was great and low key here at home with friends from the ward next door; we tried to celebrate all week for greater impact.

April highlights: General Conference and yummy enchiladas Saturday night with friends, an upcoming wedding, several singing performances for me, learning where Victoria will go to Kindergarten and whether Greg got the Blue Waters Fellowship, Greg's prelim at the end of the month. My favorite quote is actually from the Women's General session (the last Saturday in March): "Love is making space in your life for someone else." Make space for God.

Our top two choices for schools have elective classes more often than some of the other schools. Neither school has uniforms and both have slightly longer lunches (20 minutes is still short.) The teachers were all impressive--welcoming and genuinely so.

Carrie Busey
The school day begins and ends sooner.
It's close enough to walk or ride.
She gets to help in their garden.

The open house "tour" was a perfect balance in meeting the needs of child and parents. There are 4 kindergarten classrooms and we met with 3 of the teachers. They were friendly and informative, answering our questions as parents while letting Victoria explore without trying too hard to engage her. They did guide her a bit and get her to answer some of their questions. I am excited to go back during the school day with Victoria and see how a typical teaching day goes.

Each kindergarten class has their own garden in which they plant and harvest a fast crop (think spring garden salad) and a long term crop for the next class to harvest in the fall. Because there are 4 classrooms of about 21 each, the students are able to have an elective class of some sort every day. Every other day they go to the "learning lab" for 20 minutes to practice gross motor skills before going to P.E. On the other days of the week they go to music or art. And of course they go to the library weekly. The principle added that if a student is a particularly hungry reader they make arrangements for more library time before or after school. :)

At Carrie Busey, Victoria gets a morning snack and then around noon she goes to play at recess before lunch. Because her grade is the last to use the lunchroom, the students have greater flexibility in how long lunch will last. It's still fast but it's not short to the point of rudeness.

South Side
The P.E. class and music classes are impressive. 
They integrate their curriculum very well and are constantly using technology.

It's the farthest away of my top 3 and so she would ride the bus. With a later start time (8:45) that's good for my mornings but harder in the afternoon. Their profile sounds very welcoming and they encourage visitors to come familiarize themselves with with the school. Victoria and I love that they specialize in music. I had high expectations for our tour and they were met.

2 Nephi: Part Two of What the Book of Mormon Has to Teach About Parenting (and Related Issues)

"My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions..."
                                                                           ~ 2 Nephi 4:20, emphasis added

This phrase really stood out to me this time. In the previous verse we get a flavor of the internal juxtaposition Nephi faces; we get a feeling for how he is experiencing two very different reactions to his trials, sets of emotions that we often think of as not being able to have at the same time. But Nephi shows us otherwise. In verse 19 we read: "And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted."

Here Nephi is feeling "encompassed about" and probably overwhelmed at times by the difficulties he faces on a day to day basis. Note that its not until the fourth verse of his lamenting prayer that he eludes to his murderous family! I don't think that is just because he had a lot of other problems he was facing at the time, though that may be true as well. I think this type of attitude comes from an extremely developed sense of the eternal perspective and caring most about what God thinks.

In verse 19 we read that Nephi is not hopeless. He is obviously feeling discouraged (see verse 17-18), but he does not feel helpless and therefore does not despair. Why? Because he knows in whom he has trusted. It's not just a "Hey, I got this because I trust God." He has a personal relationship with God and that is why he can trust enough to see the Lord's hand even in the midst of his trials. Thus we see that Nephi's faith is truly an anchor to his soul. May it be so for you also.

The word through is interesting to me in verse 20. Through as in a preposition other than over, under, or around? Or through as in Nephi's afflictions were the means by which the Lord led? What do each of these interpretations say about the Lord? And have you seen such applications in your life?

Avoiding Trials
God doesn't guide us throughout our lives in such as way as to avoid trials, though sometimes we do receive that blessing. But as Lehi so eloquently teaches just one chapter previous to this: "There must needs be opposition in all things[!]" I've shared before that a wise man once taught me that it's not hard to notice that we live in a fallen world. I used to feel a bit bitter as I'd catch myself whispering with a sigh at some situations, "Evidence of the Fall..." But I don't have to feel bitter, even in the moments when I'm "encompassed about" by my problems! And neither do you. We can try to adopt the attitude of my toddler (yes, I am suggesting copying my 4 year old's attitude) and look at all challenges as learning opportunities. Some such difficulties truly do come about simply because of the world in which I live, but whether or not your sticky situation is deserved it is still an opportunity to build character by coming closer to God. And personally, some of my trials have felt shorter as I have learned to ask "What am I to learn from this?" instead of "Why me?" or "When will this be over?"

Trials Direct Us Inward and Upward
One of the speakers from Time Out for Women spoke about the 3 looks: Look out, look in, and look up. One doesn't practice these looks in sequential order but rather in a cycle and sometimes even simultaneously. During a hard time in life try looking outward to observe the needs of others and do what you can to help. Then look in a ponder how you're reacting to and what you are learning from this unwanted growing opportunity. Then look upward to God and find ways to draw nearer to Him. Sometimes doing so has led me to be truly grateful for blessings in disguises (that's what I like to call trials.)

Sometimes the Lord leads us to him in less-than-obvious ways. We may be directed through the fertile parts of the wilderness, across a stormy sea, or to spend time with people who don't like us (though with Laman and Lemuel I realize this is an understatement.) As Nephi rattles of a list of ways in which the Lord has blessed him, try to not only figure out which specific events he is describing; try to understand how he feels about these various hard times by recognizing the tone in which he describes these past experiences. Hint: he's probably not just suddenly writing with rose-colored glasses on in the middle of a pity party because he remembered that the world is going to be reading his personal, prophetic journal someday.

• [H]e hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.
• He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh.
• He hath confounded mine enemies, unto the causing of them to quake before me.
• He hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me knowledge by visions in the nighttime.

He goes on to list a few other significant blessings but this list will suffice to make my point. In the first example, Nephi was miraculously instructed to build a boat for his family to reach the Promised Land. Due to the unfortunate choices of others that trip is an eventful one. But as with each of the other examples, Nephi focuses on the actions of one person: God. Doing so drastically simplifies his summation of recent history. I think Nephi's choice--whether a conscious or subconscious one--to focus on the Lord's actions is something he made a habit of doing. Read 1 Nephi and see if you agree. By getting to know the Lord it is easier to have faith in him. One way to get to know people is to see how what they do in a variety of situations, even and especially the less-than-ideal moments.

Challenge this week: Record how you act and feel in your less-than-ideal moments. Study the scriptures to find ways the Lord and/or His servants have continued their work despite their own less-than-ideal circumstances.

Finding Balance Through Christ's Atonement

Last night I studied Elder L. Whitney Clayton's April 2015 Conference talk, "Choose to Believe", and in it I found reassurance and encouragement as well as solutions to my seemingly unrelated problems. For example, as a parent and babysitter I seek to respect the agency of the young children entrusted to my care; I err on the side of compulsion to do what is right, most especially when it is I who must pay the price for their bad behavior. Due to a recent challenge I find myself reevaluating many things but most especially my parenting methods. I pray I will learn quickly to discipline more like the Lord and not feel conflicted between loving tolerance and a permissive lack of rule enforcement. I am certain that I am not the only one who struggles with this balance and I pray my studies and testimony will encourage more than just myself today. (This conundrum of finding balance between two good ways to follow the Lord which both turn bad when taken too far is beautifully discussed in a book I highly recommend: Extremes: How to Keep Your Virtues From Becoming Vices.)
              "God does not compel us to believe any more than He compels us to keep any commandments,
               despite His perfect desire to bless us. Yet His call to us to believe in Him—to exercise
               that particle of faith and to give place for His words—remains in effect today."

Right and wrong are not negotiable and at some point we will feel the pressing debt to justice of delayed consequences. God's commandments apply equally to everyone. And yet there is the atonement. I'll come back to this thought in a moment.

As I reread passages of this inspired message looking for the quotes I could not mark during my study last night, I was struck by this little sentence: "Sailor could not know at first if what she was doing as she pushed her way through the underbrush would actually work." If you are unfamiliar with the story to which he is referencing, please go read the first part of his talk at least! He continues,"She was lost and injured; it was dark and cold. But she left the crash site and ventured out in hope of rescue, crawling and scraping her way forward until she saw a light in the distance. Once she had seen it, she did her best to move toward it, remembering what she had seen." While most of us will never face such dramatic, traumatic experiences as this little girl, I will still attempt to draw parallels. Think of the last time you felt hopeless and then answer the following questions:

1. Have you ever felt lost and injured, surrounded by darkness and cold? You may have been surrounded by people and yet still been alone in a sense.
2. Have you ever been asked to move on or move forward, to pick yourself up from a hardship and continue on as though you're unhampered by the injuries you've sustained?
3. Have you ever in the midst of trial, discovered glimmers of goodness and glimpses of light, evidences of the love of an ever mindful Father in Heaven? Have you noticed that sometimes such experiences are easily forgotten and swallowed up in our personal anguish if we do not cling to them and seek out the Lord in a desperate plea for more.

Sometimes we may get discouraged by our imperfect attempts to do what is right. To quote a hymn, "the day dawn is breaking, hailing a future of freedom and light."  But sometimes my future doesn't feel very bright. In these moments of painful realization it is easy for me to wonder if what I am doing is actually making a difference. Yet "the Spirit whispers this to me and tells me it is true[:]" just like in the parable of the prodigal son, my stumbling attempts to return home to my Father in Heaven are met with the running footsteps of someone coming to greet me, embrace me, and welcome me home. Because of the eternal sacrifice of my Savior and yours, I can be made whole. I can repent from my mistakes and heal from the mistakes of others. I can find strength to persevere in my enduring to the end. Because I know that my God is waiting to help me cross the finish line. 

Elder Clayton testified that "[s]ometimes progress in spiritual things can seem slow or intermittent. Sometimes we may feel that we have lost ground, that we have made mistakes, or that our best efforts to find the Savior are not working. If you feel this way, please do not give up—ever. Go right on believing in Him and in His gospel and His Church. Align your actions with that belief." I add my witness and that of the Book of Mormon prophet Alma's that "if [we] can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you,even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of [the Savior’s] words.” That is what conversion is. That is how the atonement of Jesus Christ can begin to work in our lives daily, to change us and "to make us new creatures in Christ." 2 Cor. 5:17.

So I will move forward, acknowledging my weakness: "'Twas I, but 'tis not I." I don't have to repeat mistakes, and when I do I don't have to be doomed to continue repeating them and forever be marked as a sinner. I will keep on trying! My character as a daughter of God can be molded into what He wants me to be, through the love and teachings of my family and my Savior, Jesus Christ.

He Overcometh All...And So Can We!

An incredible woman who overcame much in her life once penned a beautiful poem of which I share an excerpt:

“My life is but a weaving
Between my God and me.
I cannot choose the colors
He weaveth steadily."

The rest of Corrie ten Boom's poem is remarkable and I invite you to ponder it. While I don't believe that everything is destiny or fate, I do believe that God works with us through our circumstances to become what He would have us be.

Video: Falling Up

In this video introducing a motivational speaker, we learn of her reaction to some unbelievable challenges. They said such a devastating injury would take away her life's work and her reason for living. I think of several dear friends right now who are going through deep trials and I wonder how they are feeling... beyond their physical pain. I wonder if they have regrets because of the challenges they are facing. Do they understandably view their hardships as limiting or even taking away their life's work?

That question is too big for me and so my thoughts turned inward. What is my life's work? What are my reasons for living? I recently did a post about recognizing where we have been, where we are, and where we are going; I borrowed the shoes metaphor from a Time Out For Women speaker whose video I also shared there. You know, they say that you can't judge a person until you have walked two moons in their moccasins. I cannot begin to understand my friends' challenges of health and faith. But I know some who does. And it is after Him that I hope to pattern my life. It is thanks to Him and His infinite sacrifice that I can see clearly where I am and have hope in where I am going. He has given me my reasons for living and I will forever praise Him for it.

You may have heard of the woman who visited a silversmith at work so as to better understand Malachi 3:3 which reads, "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver." Sometimes, when we are stuck in a hot spot and being refined, it feels like we do not have control over much nor is it likely that we feel refined in our reactions. May I submit that with the Lord's help, we can grow through and because of our challenges.

Consider the oyster and several other mollusks. When an oyster is annoyed--and rightly so--by "an irritant such as a wayward food particle...trapped in the mollusk", the oyster has a beautiful defense. Rather than get sick, it concentrates on healing the irritation if you will, by covering it in layers of the same stuff it uses to build its shell. Over time this internal problem turns into something beautiful because of how the oyster reacted. Pearls are rarely "perfect" and there are a number of factors that affect their development.

This can be a wonderful parable for our own spiritual development. Many of us have inward struggles, often caused by things out of our control. But we can control how we react to them. If we are renewed by the grace of God each day, together we can work at how we respond and thus make something beautiful of ourselves because of the hurt we're experiencing.

Studying this process further on the American Museum of Natural History's website, I learned:
       One of the most distinctive features of a nacreous pearl is the
       way it seems to glow from within.This property, known as
       "luster," gives pearls their unusual beauty. Luster results from
       the reflection of light rays not only off the surface of the pearl,
       but also off the concentric inner layers of nacre.

Nacre ("NAY-ker") is the composite material formed by the aragonite ("ah-RAG-uh-nite") and conchiolin ("KON-kee-uh-lin"). Now here's where I may be stretching the metaphor but feel free to stretch with me. When we become Christlike in all things, including the way we deal with on-going problems, something glorious happens to our character: as we use our ability to choose and are further enabled by the atonement to be true to the nobility inherent in us a children of God, that is when we shine.

And so my dear readers, whatever hurts you may have, I testify that none is too great for the healer of souls. And this healing ought not to be a passive experience. Laying your burdens at His feet and taking up His yoke still sounds like work doesn't it? And yet we are promised by Jesus himself that in so doing "[we] shall find rest unto [our] souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

A New Year is Here!

January 2nd
Victoria likes to pretend. Today she was a royal sunflower that was sad sad and dancing, but not dancing because it was sad. She also sat in her throne and pretended to be a queen and especially Rapunzel. She really enjoys this idea of her hair getting longer. I think she and Greg have talked about it. We've been meaning to make a blanket fort too. She made it 2 whole days before having an accident at bedtime (We didn't realize that she hadn't gone to the bathroom after getting in her pajamas like Daddy asked. But she managed to miss the carpet and her bedding completely.)

Greg went in to work today for almost a whole day (over the Christmas break he would only go to campus in the mornings and that was to work on surprises for our anniversary as much as it was to do research on his computer uninterrupted.) This afternoon he picked up the rug doctor from the Winfield office and cleaned Victoria's room, most of the living room, and the upstairs hallway. He'll finish the leftovers tomorrow, even though the machine leaks some.

My goal today was to focus on deliberately coming to the Lord in all things. That meant spending less time doing things of lesser value and not getting irritated at my family or myself. It went okay, but not as well as I hoped or expected. It wasn't the conscious intention throughout the day that it ought to have been. So I'll try again tomorrow.

Tonight Greg and I talked about parenting by example and how we can better respect Victoria's agency by realizing that in almost all she does, she is mimicking us. If we vocalize our thought patterns we and she will be more conscious of them and together we can ask questions and make
better choices. Also, if we help establish her good character and a healthy relationship between us now, we'll be reaping dividends for years to come. Who says the toddler/preteens/adolescent years have to be awful and trying? Yes, she'll be determining who she is and self-discovery mode is not always fun or tidy but as a good movie line says: "Life is the messy bits." (Letters to Juliet) *My mantra through the highs and lows of this month.

My dad shared and great quote today that will be a beautiful end to today and beginning for tomorrow: “To reach a goal you have never before attained, you must do things you have never before done” (Richard G. Scott).

January 3rd
Today we finished cleaning our house. It took a while but we got it put together again for the Sabbath but we once again have a house of order as the scriptures counsel. I should study the rest of that scripture to see what we need to work on next! Greg even hung Victoria's blackboard in her room.

Victoria's dress is coming along nicely; it's frustrating work in that I need to concentrate and be uninterrupted but it is so gratifying to be creating in new ways. I just love creating beautiful things!

January 7th
Victoria and I are making slow but painful progress toward are goal of getting her to self-regulate (i.e. calm herself down.) I'm doing better at regulating my time online. I hope I keep this trend all month long.

*I feel like by the end of the month I wasn't much better in my goals than when I first began them. I know I made great progress though initially.

January 16th
I am grateful for my regular work out schedule and babysitting jobs but I am also grateful for the presence of the church in my life and other supports given to me by God that I often take for granted.
Dear reader, what are you grateful for?

January 20th through 22nd
Tuesday was a mad, bad day for us all. Victoria was volatile; Toria and the other girls I tend took turns being upset and upsetting each other. I was a mess by the end of the day. There are times when I really worry about losing my temper. Readers: what do you do to keep from losing it?

The next few days were much better and Greg really tried to buoy me up. Babysitting for others has always been a wonderful learning opportunity for me but this week I felt the growing pains. By the end of the week things were much better and I have hope that the little girls I tend will grow to love me as I serve them and their families.

January 29th
I had a lovely visit with Tess Shaw and her less-than-a-month old daughter Julia. Audrey and Toria played well together. We got to do a quick grocery run for forgotten things on the way there and made it back barely in time to babysit. The girls are playing upstairs while I grind food storage grain to make bread from scratch for my family. I'm doing family history while I wait. #feelingrighteous

Recognizing and Celebrating Miracles Past and Present

This is a holiday post. This is a gratitude post. This a spiritual, thoughtful post. It also serves as a reflection of this past year and look forward to the coming year.

Several of my readers may already be aware of our family's new year's resolutions for 2014 with the slogan being "MORE in two thousand FOURteen!" We've done pretty well on all of our goals, though some are still being realized. This most obviously includes our desire to have more children. As I look back over journal entries and countless spiritual experiences a few thoughts come forth that I feel are worth sharing as some of you surely have trials to face, hope to kindle, and faith-filled lives to live.

Let me begin by sharing an insight or two from Time Out For Women. From "How to Turn Futile Hopes into Fertile Hopes: An Exercise in Asking and Answering Questions" (just my working title for and a direct quote from one speaker's talk and the notes she encouraged us to take):

"Think of something in your past, something that part of you wishes you could undo...Now ask yourself this question: what is something that you learned from that experience that you will never forget and that makes you a better person?" There are countless answers that lead us to consider in gratitude the purpose of this life. Some of our limitations and perceived failures make us who we are. Now as you're pondering that, here's a somewhat related question for you to fill in the blank: Sometimes I think I could be so much more effective and fulfilling my mission from God if it weren't for ___? Whatever you chose to complete the sentence, it was probably something out of your control, right? Think of the Romans who controlled Israel at the time of Christ. Much like the ancient Jews who struggled to recognized the Messiah in their midst because they sought deliverance from the Romans, am I not fully recognizing the Messiah for "who He is...present in my life right now" as I seek deliverance from my own Romans?

Added December 23rd: Another great talk on recognizing the Lord for who He is. It also echoes the lesson I taught my adopted Primary class of 9 and 10 year olds this Sunday.

Healing from the Lord comes in unexpected ways. "True hope is founded in Christ's power to redeem." To help me better recognize the Lord's hand in my life and rekindle my hope and trust in Him, I have studied my past and even the scriptural past.

Journal entry for December 9th 2014: Hopeful Christmas (John 16:33)

 Most of the basic fertility tests have been done and even redone and the results are promising albeit they do not provide an answer for why our family is growing slower than expected. But as I pondered the miracles of Christmas and prepared my Hannukah decorations (we're celebrating both this year; see the picture above) I was touched by the story of Elizabeth conceiving in her old age and the strength she and her cousin shared in their miraculous experiences. It filled me with hope. As I wrote to Greg, "I wish I could share with you what I am feeling [right now]. This kind of lump in my throat is the best kind to have." Victoria has been sick off and on this past week and this afternoon she is sleeping. I am grateful to take the opportunity to slow down and cuddle more and do whatever she wants to do; even if she is too tired to do much of anything besides enjoy my company and watch me do things that we would normally do together. God has been good to me and my family. I am grateful for the hope that I feel springing within me once again. I hope to continue exercising my faith by not waiting for the next chapter of my life to begin.

 
 In a recent Facebook post, I shared four questions from a creative friend of mine, Brooke Schultz, to get the juices flowing as you prepare to make New Year's Resolutions. 1) What are you up against in 2015? 2) What are your secret goals that seem impossible? 3) What are you struggling with right now? 4) What do you wish for, creatively and personally? I humble submit that the answer to all of these can be found is you look inward to recognize your potential as a child of God, look outward in service to others, and look upward to God.

1. What am I up against for 2015? My sweet genius of a husband, Greg, will be doing the preliminary defense of his doctoral thesis, hopefully going to a large conference, and taking a class or two in addition to his current work load as an RA. Our toddler daughter is working on toilet training still. And I've signed up for a weekly babysitting job in our home. All these blessing and many more come from the Lord above.

2. What are your secret goals that seem impossible? Up until this month I probably would have said something about getting pregnant, but given my new-found hopes I am glad to relabel that task as POSSIBLE. I want to sing opera again but have come to admit that my work ethic needs work. I need to stay motivated in order to keep my talents cultivated. I want to do more with decorating our home on a budget which means that some projects (redoing my master bedroom and bathroom with homemade bedding and a paint job) will have to stay in the dream stage until we can afford them or I get creative enough to modify my existing ideas. Philippians 4:13 redefines impossible beautifully.

3. What are you struggling with? I don't want my soul to feel stifled as it waits for things. Whether it's an updated look for my home or a second child that's been sought after for years now, I want to find ways to express and fulfill myself even if it means not getting what I want. I need to make art that brings joy and beauty to myself and those around me independent of a few specific creative visions yet to be made real. All struggles are swallowed up in Christ's atonement. 

4. What do you wish for, creatively and personally? In short I hope to make the most of my opportunities to nurture others while nurturing myself. I know that the Lord will help me reach my divine potential as one of His children. Moses 1:39.

Annual month of gratitude

Week #1: I am grateful for the temple and that I could start my month out right by serving and worshiping there. Our family is grateful for inexpensive ways to educate and enrich ourselves; Victoria especially loved out visit to the St. Louis science center. Greg is grateful to be a scientist in such a gratifying way and for his wonderful research advisers.

 
Yesterday I was grateful for my husband helping me solve an urgent issue. Today, I am grateful for similar blessings & also the help of email, which allows me to solve many of my problems much more quickly than I otherwise could. I am also grateful for the support I receive in my calling.

I am grateful for my calculus class this week to lend balance in my life and distract me from other parts of my life. I am grateful for a daughter who understands and loves the Atonement even if she and I sometimes don't live the final steps of the repentance process :) And I am grateful that I got to video chat with my sister Elizabeth, who recently completed her service as a full-time missionary in the LDS Seattle Washington mission.

Week #2: I am grateful for a daughter who loves to cook and clean with me. I am grateful for the soothing smell and comforting taste of vanilla. I am grateful for service opportunities; to help my friends and neighbors cheers and brightens my soul. I think it's part of being true to who I am as a daughter of God. I am grateful for a daughter who is learning to discuss her feelings and find ways to appropriately act on them. I am so glad she has learned at a young age the value of being reverent and actually listening at church and at home. (She came home and told me the parable of the good Samaritan after church today and it warmed my heart to find that she is making connections for herself. She gets it but also makes further connections for herself.) I am grateful for a husband who is so supportive of me and values the same things I do: God, family, service, etc.

Week #3: This Wednesday got a blog post all of its own. We've had some amazing highs and lows this week already. I am grateful for a wonderful family and for thoughtful family who do their best to stay in touch. I am also grateful for my little girl's love of cleaning and how she manages to not make big messes even when she takes big adventures (let's just say she helped herself to my nail polish twice this week.)

Week #4: I am grateful for a long and fulfilling weekend of stake conference and that my calling has been going so well. I am grateful that I could put first things first this weekend and feel a difference. I am grateful for good friends with whom I may study and for one dear friend who recently showed me a chain of scriptures that have led to greater appreciation for and unfolding of the mysteries of God. (Do a scripture study on this phrase for yourself dear reader and notice the promised blessings.) I am grateful that I didn't do so poorly on this most recent calculus quiz as to be past the point of no return; I am grateful for nearly so many days off so I can study.



I am grateful my cupcakes for Thanksgiving turned out so well. I am also grateful for such near and dear family as several of my mother's brothers: a Hansen holiday has proven once again to be the ultimate vacation.

Feel Good Blogging Challenge #5: My 7 Days to Happiness Challenge

I recently came across the quote: If you want to feel rich, then count all things you have that money can't buy. I not so recently attempted a 100 days of happiness challenge. I was in a bit of a funk and thought this would be a helpful habit to try. I ended up pulling out of the funk and getting to wrapped up in doing so to finish the original challenge. So here's my advice to each of you: cultivate an attitude of gratitude. Be grateful not just for things. A sage German gentleman I love once asked, "Have we not reason to be filled with gratitude, regardless of the circumstances in which we find ourselves?" He continued, "In fact, most of the scriptural references do not speak of gratitude for things but rather suggest an overall spirit or attitude of gratitude."

Monday, June 23rd. Day #1: Watching Victoria love and read to Baby Valerie (Savage.)

Tuesday, June 24th. Day #2: I love helping me friends and they in turn help me. On her way out of town my friend Marie Pack stopped by with a delicious, homemade cake. Gluten-free blueberry coffee cake with pecan streusel topping. (I ate about 1/3 of it in a single sitting with no regrets.)
 
Thursday, June 26th. Day #3: Gardening and cooking with Victoria (Learning to love green beans may be easier than I thought.)

Friday, June 27th. Day #4: Garden-fresh and fully ripe raspberries. And beautiful purple wild flowers delivered by a thoughtful husband. Also, seeing fireflies for the first time (with Greg and Victoria) at the YSA branch BBQ was priceless and exciting.

Saturday, June 26th. Day #5: Getting to spend most of the day as a family was a wonderful treat! Also, I thoroughly enjoyed Cherry Ruggieri's baby shower and wish her well in her last 7 weeks of pregnancy. I should have taken a photo of the hat I crocheted for her, but oh well.

Sunday, June 27th. Day #6: Today was everything a Sunday should be. We went to church and were filled then spent time bonding as a family.

Monday, June 28th. Day #7: The miracle that is thunder and lightening. Such startling splendor and majestic beauty.