"Trust in the Lord, and whatsoever things He say unto you: do it."

This blog post really spoke to me and said some of the same things I wanted to address in this post.

Lately the Lord has invited me to do some things that are unexpected, feel big. And frankly, I'm not even quite sure how to accomplish them. Do you know that feeling? Whether it is understanding our infertility, preparing for our second cross-country move, or applying for graduate school after a decade of not being a student, I've got a bundle of blessings on my plate that I cannot quite wrap my head around. I tried to phrase some of these concerns as questions or statements and then bring them to the Lord this past weekend. I got some deeply personal answers and would like to share a bit more with you in hopes of encouraging you on your journey of faith.

During Elder L. Whitney Clayton's talk I got up to go to the bathroom. When I returned, the first full sentence I caught upon reentering the chapel nearly stopped me in my tracks: it was an answer to every single one of my pondering questions/concerns! This bittersweet experience was made all the more memorable when my 5 year old noticed my briefly saddened face: 

"Mommy, why are you sad?" she asked.

Taking her in my lap I thanked God for this teaching moment before explaining, "I just got an answer to one of my pondering questions. I am happy because I have an answer and I know it is from God. But I am sad because it isn't the answer I wanted."

Whether you prepared for Conference far in advance or not, I invite you to ponder and learn with me today as we consider several scriptural accounts of obedience and apply key principles to our lives so our faith can grow and help us better endure as disciples of Christ.

First Scriptural Example: Mary, the Mother of Jesus

At the risk of overstating the obvious, Mary had faith.  I love trying to embrace in my own life such examples. Comment below with what other characters from history/ the scriptures have inspired you through their faithful obedience despite not knowing how to do what was asked of them. As I seek to mimic the faith of Mary and countless others, it has helped me to cling to the belief that "I [can] go and do what the Lord has commanded, for [like Nephi,] I know the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men save he shall prepare a way for them, that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them."

Elder L. Whitney Clayton began by commenting on Mary's faith. "She committed herself without exactly understanding why He was asking that of her or how things would work out." This praise for Mary, the mother of Jesus, should be considered attainable praise for all disciples of Christ. Obviously none of us are being asked to give birth to and raise the Only Begotten Son, but each of us has eternal errands to perform. God has warned us that His ways are not our ways, so it follows that we often may not understand entirely what is being asked of us. This lack of understanding need not however, constitute a lack of obedience or trust on our part. 

So how do we conceive and maintain such faith? I love what the Bible Dictionary says on prayer:

         "Prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into 

         correspondence with each other...[It] is a form of work and is an appointed means for obtaining 

         the highest of all blessings." 

Elder Clayton further taught, "When we decide to do whatsoever God sayeth unto us, we earnestly commit to align our everyday behavior with God's will. Such simple acts of faith as studying the scriptures daily, fasting regularly, and praying with real intent, deepen our well of spiritual capacity to meet the demands of mortality." I have felt the truth of this countless times in my life; this work is a constant part of growing my testimony as well as part of its foundation.

Exercise #1: Fill Your Soul With Faith

In what ways can we faithfully "fill up our own water pots to brim" so that "like water to wine, our lives [will be] transformed"?      

Elder Clayton suggested an answer to this question: "Those who are deliberate about doing the small and simple things--obeying in seemingly little ways--are blessed with strength and faith that go far beyond the acts of obedience themselves. It may seem hard to draw a connection between the basic, daily acts of obedience and the big, complicated problems we face, but they are related." 

Have you ever "committed [yourself] without exactly understanding why He was asking that of [you] or how things would work out"? What helped you endure the lack of answers as you waited upon the Lord? 

My deepened well of gracious strength has brought me peace throughout my life, including now; Elder Clayton bore similar testimony. Obviously these are personal questions but I'd love to have your feedback even if it isn't here in the comments below.

Second Scriptural Example of Faith: Naaman

Elder Clayton then told the story of Naaman, captain of the Syrian army and a leper, who was miraculously healed by the prophet Elisha. Now you probably don't have leprosy. But like me you may have notable challenges beyond your own ability to solve. Naaman's reaction to the prophetic counsel he received reminds me of when the Israelites had to chose to look up at the brass serpent their prophet held in order to be healed. This small act had significant consequences."Small acts of faith, even when they seem insignificant or entirely disconnected from the specific problems that vex us, bless us in all we do." Whatever one's current challenge may be, small and simple acts of faith are the closet thing we have to a one-size-fits-all solution. (see Exercise #1: fill your soul with faith.) I am so grateful to already be feeling this solution at work in my life as I ponder my plate of incomprehensible blessings.

Later on in his talk Elder Clayton taught,"[God] cautions us that we shouldn't expect easy answers or quick fixes from Heaven. Things work out when we stand firm in the trial of our faith, however hard that test may be to endure and however slow the answers may be in coming." A second lesson I treasure from pondering this familiar Old Testament tale is God's timing and how my willingness effects it. Sometimes I delay the effectiveness of a solution by not fully committing to promptings I don't fully understand. Sometimes I feel obediently committed in an instant and yet still find myself wanting answers. Instead of removing a trying experience, God may "solve" your problem by providing you with peace, insight, or empathy. I have definitely felt His promised strength in a myriad of ways. 

Shortest Verses in All of Scripture
Recently my brother wrote us from his mission in Arizona. Jonathan "found this little passage in 1 Thessalonians 5, which contains 4 of the shortest scriptures in all of the standard works.

16 Rejoice evermore.
17 Pray without ceasing.
19 Quench not the Spirit.
20 Despise not prophesyings.

It's interesting that all of those themes are still alive and well today in the counsel from our living prophets and apostles. So that's my invitation for you: find joy, regardless of your circumstances; pray always; don't do anything that would drive the Spirit away; and follow the prophet. That's a sure-fire recipe for success!"

End-of-the-Year Family Update 2016

5 second version: Greg is sick and will be busy this month. Danielle was busy last month but hasn't gotten physically sick yet. Victoria is learning to read and continues to enjoy school and play dates with friends. Despite the risk to our Christmas cheer, we all survived our second battle with head lice. There is much music and nerdiness in our home.

So Greg has spent the last few weekends drafting a family email to send today but he isn't feeling well. It's probably just a bad cold but he needs to rest as much as possible if he is going to keep up with his schedule this month: getting paid between semesters to do cultural consensus theory research (doing hierarchical Bayesian inference) for a Business professor, preparing for the GYSS conference in Singapore, coordinating our weekly den meetings this month, and beginning the semester late (taking his last class, TAing, as well as his doctoral thesis research.) We are grateful that he felt well enough to take the sacrament to our shut-in friends this afternoon. 

Victoria was sad to go back to school but has almost finished re-adjusting. Her love language is quality time so she especially enjoyed spending time together as a family at the end of December. She is doing well at reading but often still prefers to just be read too. Playing teachyourmonstertoread.com has really taken out the chore in teaching her letters and how to read. She recently asked me to go on a vacation to her school. I tried to tell her that going to school and going on a vacation are mutually exclusive. After some tears we finally came to the understanding that she was inviting me to be a field trip chaperone! She loves it when we can go places together. She did well in her ballet recital (she attached picture) but prefers the more relaxed dress code of her creative movements class, so she'll continue with that this semester.

On to Plan B? C? 

Our Christmas break took several unexpected turns, but once Victoria got over the initial disappointment (we both cried), she didn't seem to mind the change in plans. What am I talking about? Head lice my friends! It's back and we didn't miss it. May I never again forget another weekly lice check...I'm guessing it was from school but two of her church friends had it too so who knows. We caught it early on this time and spent Christmas Eve reading the Nativity story and singing Christmas carols while combing through all the children's hair (we were at a friends' house with another family so there were three little girls whose heads couldn't just be shaved, like Greg did to the 13 month old.) This meant foregoing Christmas day at Indianapolis with Becca and Spencer and a week with our Hansen cousins. Plus scrambling for groceries and meal plans, and back up family fun plans that meant Mom's quarantine requirements. Back up holiday plans included a trip to the Decatur Children's Museum and Urbana indoor aquatic center as well as potluck dinners like with our quarantined friends (quarantine doesn't have to equal solitary confinement.) We also learned how to make tamales. 

Music, Music, Music

Aside from my family and household duties, two things keep me busy these days: part time babysitting of a delightful almost-two-year-old and music! Peter enjoys dancing and singing with me as I practice. Thankfully, I have stayed fairly healthy this past month. On top of many solo opportunities I got to play and sing at a wedding reception. The annual Champaign stake Christmas concert went well despite not going entirely as planned.There was less variety and a few numbers fell through at the last minute, but the overall goals I set with the Stake Presidency were finally met this year. I've spent the last 4 Christmases fine tuning this tradition. I am glad to pass the baton on to someone else since we won't be in IL for Christmas 2017! 

Speaking of transitions, this semester I am hoping to take voice lessons in addition to continuing with the campus choir. This is in an effort to prepare for my audition into the Master's program in vocal performance (at Yale!) I'm both excited and terrified as I have received promptings from both sides of the veil to continue my education in this way. 

Career

Greg still has several ideas about what he wants to be and where he wants to go when he "grows up." For now we'll start that process by finishing his Ph. D. then going to Yale! They've got some wonderful benefits for working there (like free tuition for me!) and it will be nice to be closer to the Wildings and Fortneys but not too far from Becca and Spencer. We're planning to live just north of New Haven in the suburb of Hamden so Toria can be near the better schools and Greg's commute will still be reasonable. He did a phone interview with Google to evaluate his options in working there. He also did an interview with an HR person from Wizards of the Coast, and found he quite enjoyed their programming test. We've got many options open to us whenever we're done at Yale!

Gratitude

We are so grateful to see the hand of the Lord in our daily lives. We are especially grateful for his peace and comfort and the enabling power of the Atonement as we've recently been living out covenants to mourn with those that mourn, etc. We've had several friends and family members go in and out of the hospital recently and continue to pray for them. We are grateful for our own safety and good health.

Head Lice Rears Its Ugly Head

Congratulations, you've got lice! Said no one ever. Lice went around at our church starting last Christmas and it took into the summer months to get rid of it! My grown up Christmas wish this year is to not have an annual epidemic.

Reality Check #1

-Yes it is a blood sucking parasite on my child's head (or on your head: I'm sorry.)

-Yes, it feels gross and/or uncomfortable.

-Yes, it is an urgent inconvenience that you aren't allowed in most schools or Primary if you have it or have had it recently. (They're try to prevent spreading it around.)

Because of the lice life cycle, treatments are expected to take at least a month before you can be declared lice-free. But even if you have super lice (the kind resistant to over-the-counter drugs) YOU HAVE OPTIONS!

You've heard that the only sure things in life are death and taxes right? But with something like lice you'd like to KNOW you're lice-free and stay that way. And if you're like me at all, you don't want to wait a month while avoiding any unnecessary contact with anyone outside your own household.

But before you think seriously about shaving anyone's head (because we can't really light anyone's hair on fire, even if we want to), I'm going to send you on an inexpensive shopping trip and then one by one try to calm all your fears.

What you need to know, Part 1: Life cycle

Eggs take about a week to hatch and then another week to grow up enough (molt 3 times) to lay more eggs. If it looks like clear, unmoving dandruff, it's a nit. If it's a dark brown looking nit, it's actually a newly hatched nymph.

Source to know more: http://www.cdc.gov/parasites/lice/head/biology.html

What you need to know, Part 2: The Good News

1. They don't carry disease.
2. They can only crawl.
3. They cannot survive 24 hours away from their food source.
4. Even ones resistant to permethrin (the OTC stuff), will die from suffocation (the Cetaphil method.)
5. You can guarantee you don't have lice quickly and effectively using the Shepherd's Method for nit removal.
   Unlike mosquitoes etc. lice don't carry diseases so having them doesn't get you sick. If you had a bad case and did nothing to treat it you could get open sores from them biting and you scratching, which may invite infection from other sources.

No, they cannot jump or fly, only crawl. The only way you can get it is for my child's head (or something that has touched her head) to touch yours. Or for a parent and child to hug. I understand it's uncomfortable and a bit scary to deal with lice so I won't judge you if you choose not to have play dates or give hugs for a while. Just remember during this time to be extra kind to yourself and others. Even weird looks a whispered conversations can leave a lasting impression.

The bugs and their eggs cannot survived 24 hours away from their food source. In addition to starvation, lice die from old age, suffocation, and some chemicals sometimes. They also get killed with enough heat. They hate dry heat the most. The eggs don't like getting cold either so they die due to temperature and lack of food when they're not near the scalp.

Because lice don't survive well when away from a human scalp (due to death by starvation), it's harder and therefore a lot less likely for you to get reinfected simply because you didn't clean your house enough. And because lice can only crawl, that means it's hard for you to get lice from simple sitting where another lice victim sat. It doesn't hurt to throw all pillows and bedding in the dryer for 1 cycle. Stuffed animals that can't take the heat should be bagged for 3 weeks (this ensures that regardless of where they're at in they're life cycle, all lice will be dead.)

What is “the Cetaphil Treatment”?

For scientific backing and research go here: http://nuvoforheadlice.com/test/

For an explanation from one experienced mom (not me) to another: http://www.hiveandnest.com/2012/11/how-to-get-rid-of-lice.html

What is the Shepherd's Method?

Did you know there are such things as professional nit pickers? They're costly and you may have to drive a ways to find one, but these crazy saints are out there. My sister in law's best friend in NY is one and she warned that not all professionals are created equal. “If you go to one, make sure they use the Shepherd's method,” she warns. This method basically means combing through the entire head of hair just a few hairs at a time; when you're done you'll know you're lice-free because you have completely removed all signs of lice. Want to know more? Go to Dr. Shepherd's official website here: http://www.shepherdinstitute.com/new-page/

Got more questions still? Try this IL nitpickers' website: http://www.thenitpickers.com/faq.html#aboutlice8

Point of Perspective: Lessons from Life's Eternal Moments

When upon life's billows you are tempest-tossed,

When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,

Count your many blessings; name them one by one,

And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

Faith, hope, and charity grant us a more compassionate and complete perspective of our past, our present, and our future. Loving Christ and loving like Him (for ourselves and others) is what it means to me to have faith, hope, and charity. Thinking of these 3 eternal principles as they apply to these lyrics:

When upon life's billows you are

Sometimes life is just hard. It's not anyone's fault and there isn't much you may be able to do to alleviate your circumstances. But even in these uncomfortable shadows, faith fuels the light of Christ which fuels the flame of hope. Charity can soften and sweeten the bitterness always, but especially in these times.

Thinking all is lost

I have faith, hope, and charity when I can recognize in the midst of a storm that perhaps all is not lost. People can change, life's circumstances rearrange, and the atonement makes it so nothing is truly lost.

Count your many blessings

I have faith and hope when I recognize my blessings in the past and present but especially the future. God keeps His promises!

And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done

Sometimes I struggle to recognize the hand of God in order to keep my faith burning brightly. But more often I struggle to have the charity to see as He sees, to recognize opportunities for growth and embrace them. He often plants within me seeds that won't germinate until exposed to harsher conditions. Much like "forcing a bulb" to bloom in the winter, sometimes my character waits to bloom until it's triggered by the frosty experiences of life. In these moments it is especially important to have enough faith to stop, remember, and recognize, the Lord's presence in my life; when I do this I have more hope and it is easier to have charity.

Years ago President Uchtdorf taught that faith, hope, and charity are like the legs of a 3 legged stool: We need each of them and they work together in such a way that it is difficult to have one without having some of the other two. 

“Hope is one leg of a three-legged stool, together with faith and charity. These three stabilize our lives regardless of the rough or uneven surfaces we might encounter at the time. The scriptures are clear and certain about the importance of hope.” 

In talk with a friend this morning we recognized that sometimes hope burns bright and other times it is a dim flicker. But in both cases it is technically burning. It can be difficult to have hope in a bright future when one's past or present is dark. But one way I know I still have faith in God is when I can feel this treasured gift of the spirit: hope.

What is faith?
I won't take the time here to define faith. Rather I'll give a summarizing quote from a recent sermon from our beloved President Ucthdorf and encourage you to click on the link. I'll be waiting here for you to come back and finish reading :) Feel free to share what you learned!

"Faith is a strong conviction about something we believe, a conviction so strong that it moves us to do something we might not otherwise do. Faith is being sure of what we hope for and being certain of what we do not see....[T]here are more ways to see than with our eyes, more ways to feel than with our hands, more ways to hear than with our ears." 

Faith Hope, and Charity Build Upon Each Other

There are many lessons to be learned about faith, hope, and charity in the story of Peter walking on the water. I'll briefly highlight a few hear as encouragement for you to find your own. Feel free to share in the comments section examples of how faith, hope, and charity build upon each other. It takes faith to believe that this experience really happened of course, but let us delve deeper.

Having faith in Christ and His atonement allows me to be forgiving and compassionate to others and to myself. Having faith and hope as I prayerfully strive to align my will with God's, changes me into a woman who loves and lives more like Christ would if He were in my shoes. This is what it means to me to be a woman of faith, to have these 3 eternal truths resonating in my life. Our beloved, living prophet taught, “In a 100 small ways, all of you wear the mantle of charity." President Monson continued,"May we have the pure love of Christ for our fellow travels in this journey through life. May we recognize that each one is doing her or his best to deal with the challenges which come their way. And may we strive to do our best to help out.”

I especially love the phrase "fervent charity.“To do whatsoever is gentle and human, to cheer and to bless in humanity's name,” as angelic motto for any Christian to adopt. I love the hymn from whence this line comes. While the second verses confirms the title that as sisters in Zion we have a special work to do, the third verse is not limited to our eternally given gender-based roles. May we all exercise faith, hope, and charity as we prepare for General Conference this weekend is my prayer.

How vast is our purpose, how broad is our mission,

If we but fulfill it in spirit and deed.

Oh, naught but the Spirit's divinest tuition

Can give us the wisdom to truly succeed.

When the Rose-colored Glasses Get Broken

This post may feel a bit melodramatic at times and surprise those of you who haven't heard or felt my whole story recently. But bear with me as I make some discoveries that could help you in your own life.

Have you ever felt that your best isn't good enough or that your efforts aren't making a difference? I think every parent on the planet has at some point. But feeling overwhelmed is by no means limited to those privileged to raise children. Trials and tribulations are not rained down upon the most wicked alone. And while some trials are harder than others, we shouldn't ever compare ourselves or our challenges in our journey back to God. Sometimes life is just hard and it's good to admit it. Liberating in fact.

All that for this?!

But how do we get out of the ruts of denial and despair long enough to stay out? Naming what's bothering you is great but could only lead to more frustration if you truly cannot do anything about it. So he is what the Good Lord has been teaching me and what I want to share with each of you. God can and will help you change your perspective. He can teach you to see the good more than the bad even when there may be in fact little good to be had in a situation. This leads me to my first of two points.

At Least...
Remember in "Tarzan" when Jane says, "Things cannot possibly get worse" and then it stars pouring rain? I remember recently learning of this idea to say, "At least..." only to myself and sincerely enough that it sparks a positive spin on things. I've found the Devil is a regular gremlin, feasting on despair and fanning its flames. So now I think things like: While my tonsils are still quite swollen, at least I can talk and even sing a little now. At least I can eat solid foods (just not citrus.)

What sort of faith-promoting, positive thought speech do you find yourself using? Please feel free to comment below. This whole idea was brought to me after pondering my missionary brother's comparison of the Nephite and Jaredite journeys. Maybe they were singing to drown out the scary sounds and provide some means of sanity and comfort? (I love the verse that says the Lord prepared them against these things and protected them.) Sometimes the nature of the journey is rather different because of how we were going into it and sometimes the Lord just blesses us, deserved or not. Whatever the reason, that's not the point we should focus on. We should try to work with the Lord to become the kind of person who will sing His praises regardless of the type of journey we're having.

"God, The Lord Will Send Relief"

As a sophomore in college I had the opportunity to be Gretel in BYU-Idaho's condensed performance of Humperdink's opera Hanzel and Gretel. There is a beautiful motif that appears through the opera, melodically as well as in the lyrics: "When past bearing is our grief, God the Lord will send relief." Recently I have felt such relief. It's like God is helping me orchestrate the details of my life as I strive to live for quality and lend my planning skills less towards meticulous lists (which may still have their place) and more towards embracing the moments. I sort of feel like I've been travelling a treacherous mountain pass complete with occasional tunnels of scary darkness, but now it's coming to an end. I'm finally getting to enjoy some stunning vistas--motivated increased understanding and the fulfillment of God's promises--as I descend into my valley of humility. I am grateful to those of you who have traveled bits of the trail with me or lent me your strength to continue on. God's grace truly is sufficient. "His promises are sure. Celestial glory shall be mine, if I can but endure."

A Modern Disciple: How This Mother is Coming to Christ

What does the invitation "Come unto Christ" look like for me, in my life? 

At the heart of my testimony as a disciple of Christ is my favorite scripture Philippians 4:13. 

“As you do these things, the Lord will make much more out of your life than you can by yourself. He will increase your opportunities, expand your vision, and strengthen you.He will give you the help you need to meet your trials and challenges.You will gain a stronger testimony and find true joy as you come to know your Father in Heaven and His Son, Jesus Christ, and feel Their love for you.”For the Strength of Youth (booklet, 2011), 43.

As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, one way I come unto Christ is by listening to the words of living prophets every 6 months. As I've pondered and reviewed April 2016's General Conference sessions, more questions for pondering have come into my mind.

If you've read my recent blog post about Victoria starting kindergarten you may have caught a whiff of my struggles in balancing and some of the labels I deal with. Studying Elder Hallstrom's talk "I Am a Child of God" reminded me that my most predominant labels should be the eternal ones. Countless talks spoke to me of meekness and humility. I love the Bible Dictionary's explanation of prayer being the act of aligning our will with the Lord's. I especially loved Bishop Waddell's formula for peace: 1) Learn of true doctrine. 2) Listen to the Holy Ghost and let it lead you to repentance. 3) Walk in and with Christ.

Wife, mother, daughter of God.

Whether you're striving to feel the Lord's peace in your life our impart it to others--THAT is the essence of what coming unto Christ means to me. It may feel different at different times and manifest itself in a variety of ways. But I echo the true words of W. Christopher Waddell, "We may not have the ability to control all that happens around us, but we can control how we apply the pattern for peace that the Lord has provided—a pattern that makes it easy to think often about Jesus."

What does "Come unto Christ" look like in my life for those around me? 

From personal experiences as both the receiver and the giver, I second Elder Neil L. Andersen's testimony that "[k]nowing someone's name can make a difference." But whether or not you know someone personally, you can still be a light in their lives whenever they enter your sphere of influence.

"None of us should be defined by the worst thing we have ever done," taught Kevin R. Duncan. While many of us crave justice in our everyday lives, at the end of the day we ALL need the Lord's merciful grace. That is why forgiveness has such transcendent power. Kevin R. Duncan taught regarding forgiveness: "We need not be a victim twice." Yes, I should let go of bitterness, resentment, etc. before it gets anymore toxic inside me; yet that is easier said than done.

With the aid of social media, there is plenty of judgement going around--usually unwarranted and highly subjective. I believe that truth is not a subjective thing and that there are instances where right and wrong have been clearly defined by the Lord. This means that whether or not a person believes something to be true does NOT change whether or not that principle is actually true. It also does not exclude Christ's disciples from unkindness. I once heard the analogy of a cheesecake: be lovingly firm. We needn't apologize for our testimony of truth or water down doctrine to make it more palatable. But we can and should be soft and loving in our delivery. I may disagree with you but it needn't feel disagreeable.

The Right Answer, The Ultimate Answer: Christ
Christ is the answer. "None other has had so profound an influence upon all who have lived or will yet live upon the earth. He was the Great Jehovah of the Old Testament, the Messiah of the New." Through the infinite virtue of his great atoning sacrifice, all injustice can be made right and mercy can prevail. It is how we can overcome disappointing situations and take control of the uncontrollable: we come to God, lay our burdens at His feet, and do what He asks of us while He takes care of our problems. By taking care of us, His children.

"Come unto Christ. Come unto Him, and by His grace be made holy again. He's calling your name; he's waiting for you...with arms open wide, come unto Christ." Let us open are arms to embrace Christ and let Him into our lives more fully by placing Him at the center. I know that miracles will surely follow.

"What are you going to do with all that time?"

When Victoria started going to preschool I remember a male friend of mine asking what I planned to do with all that extra free time. His wife immediately chided him for asking such a rude question. I quickly and sincerely responded that I wasn't offended but that many stay-at-home mothers and homemakers would be. Our profession is unique in its demands and recognition. It looks different depending on the persons involved, so it's a difficult one to understand and appreciate.

When Victoria entered Tiny Tigers Preschool, most people asking "the question" weren't sure how much free time they were even asking about, which I found mildly amusing. I had already been thinking quite a bit about how I wanted to take advantage of my 3 hours of childless time (1.5 hours twice a week.) As a mother and homemaker I have many responsibilities, which often requires multitasking. But when interacting with people, relationships benefit greatly from undivided attention. So I planned to use my time during preschool for family history work, music practicing, and other key household duties that were best done without interruption. This let me feel well rounded and rested and ready to grant my undivided attention to Victoria when she returned.

Fast forward a year.

The same friends came over last night to help celebrate my husband's birthday. We also invited some mutual friends to join us. One of the new comers, a school teacher himself, asked "the question." This time it was a bit different and here's why:

1. Like the questioner himself, we've been struggling with infertility. So despite our plans for my child bearing and rearing duties to increase, neither is part of our foreseeable future.

2. He knew how much time he was asking about and so did I. Kindergarten is all day here. So I'll be essentially childless most Mondays through Fridays from a little after 7 A.M. to a little before 3 P.M. That's a lot more hours than just 3 per week.

3. Unlike when Victoria began preschool, I still haven't fully determined how I'll be using my time. I have a pretty good idea but I don't have a polite, accurate soundbite prepared yet like I used to.

In preparing for this "practice at being an empty nester", I have been asking my friends with and without children for ideas of how they have been or would use their time if they were in my shoes. My favorite answer was, "You'll figure it out," along with a reassurance that while I might miss her I could and probably would come to like this new phase. Another answer though gave me pause when a friend of a friend smiled and responded that it isn't anyone's business but hers.

I both like and dislike this answer. I like it because it rings true with me. I dislike it because saying these words is difficult to do politely. (I believe in responding as politely as possible even when interacting with people who are more...aggressively opinionated.) I also don't like her answer because, in considering this new vein of philosophy, I find myself feeling resentment that someone would feel the need to give vent to idle curiosity about the particulars of my career choice. (I know not everyone asking "the question" is this merely wanting an inside look on homemaking and motherhood; some friends are asking because they know it's a big question for me and they're wondering how I feel about it and if I've found my answer.) But I'm pretty sure that most other careers aren't often analyzed this way:

"Hey, I heard you finally got that paper submitted to the peer-reviewed journal. What are you going to do with all your extra time now?"

"Um...keep working/get back to research."

That pink coat and bit of black polka dotted legging
is her. When it was time to board she wriggled right
up to the driver, confirmed her name, and sat down
right behind the driver. Only then did she wave at me.

It's now halfway through the school day and here's my preliminary analysis. This morning I did the same things I do most mornings—it was just a bit quieter. Then I moved on to housecleaning etc. which was both easier and harder without my mini me as company. I didn't feel guilty from ignoring her in favor of doing tedious, non-urgent tasks. And I may have been able to throw away a few things without protest. But I didn't have her cheer and extra pair of hands to play Cinderella with me as we tidied her room together and made plans for what to eat for lunch or play afterward. Speaking of lunch, I'm eating an hour later than usual because Victoria isn't hear to remind me. I'm just starting to eat and she's already finished her homemade lunch at school. I hope she was able to read my love note.

So my friend Terra was right: I am figuring it out. I do miss her and while I have felt like crying a few times, I haven't yet. I'm already learning to like things about this new phase I'm in but I'm still finding my balance just as we all must do with any big change.