I Have A Dream: Hypoallergenic Pastry

I've been using the free My Fitness Pal app to help evaluate my physical diet for the past 3 months.  It's sort of a marriage between understanding what I need and what I want. 
https://www.myfitnesspal.com/account/login

I have learned that for my overall health (physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual) I need to learn to dream. And not just the kind that happens when I'm sorting things out in my sleep.

In January we celebrated the legacy of a man with a dream, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. We celebrated tolerance and compassion. And in February, I wrote about another false dichotomy--healthy comfort food--over at Kitchen Stewardship.

Throughout the years I have learned much from my relationship with food. But recently I learned some important life lessons from baking:

1. Life's not ideal, and that's great!
2. Preparation is different than prevention.
3. Check your temperature: do you need more heat or do you need to chill?

I came to these important realizations while learning to make eclairs. Pictured here are virgin pina colada (lime curd, coconut whipped cream, toasted coconut flakes, and vanilla lime flavored marbled fondant,) pink lemonade (lemon curd, coconut whipped cream, candied citrus and pink lemon glaze,) chocolate citrus (lemon curd, coconut whipped cream, candied citrus and chocolate ganache,) and chocolate berry cream (seedless raspberry jam, coconut whipped cream, and chocolate ganache.)

Depending on how you fill them they're not a sugary dessert and they're surprisingly easy to make hypoallergenic! I began by starting with Glutenista's Gluten-free eclair recipe, studying her troubleshooting tips, and watching tutorials by Mary Berry and several others online.

Missing Ingredients Doesn't Mean Missing Out

Ideally, I knew what the pitfalls were and how to avoid them. I was on my way to perfect, hypoallergenic eclairs! Or so I thought.

I thought I followed the recipe exactly, but I knew something was wrong with the pastry batter. I hurried to watch another step by step tutorial and reread the troubleshooting tips. I added a little flour and tried to chill the batter, but it was obvious I wouldn't be able to bake the dough as directed.

Wracking my brain for scientific reasons why this bake wasn't behaving as it should, I discovered a small yet significant mistake: no xanthan gum.

Because I bake gluten-free whenever possibly, some delicacies are difficult to make without a little ingenuity and help from science. Xanthan gum helps give structure and elasticity to gluten-free dough so one can enjoy things like pizza crust, pasta, and yes, even eclairs. I bought the fool-proof gluten-free baking flour from King Arthur flour and I thought it had failed me for the first time. But it was I who forgot the significance of 3 tiny words on the box: no xanthan gum.

I quickly whipped up a half batch of batter with xanthan gum and it did much better. I was also careful to pay closer attention to its temperature while whisking in the eggs.

Sometimes we go through life trying to achieve the ideal results while working with a less-than-ideal situation. When baking it's important to know how long to bake something and at what temperature. Some batters have to be handled only when they've reached a certain temperature. The directions explain ideal conditions.

Knowing why directions are what they are can help a baker figure out necessary adjustments. But sometimes you'll still get stuck with a melted ice cream cake or deflated souffle.

Check Your Temperature

I used to think that if I was prepared enough I could face anything: that if I was prepared for the absolute worst, then it couldn't happen to me.

But part of being prepared for the curve balls in life isn't about preventing them from happening: it's about learning to juggle them. Some awkward moments in life can be avoided or made less uncomfortable with foresight. And sometimes, despite all our studying and best intentions, everything can go horribly wrong.

I have yet to bake anything in my mini doughnut pan that I
don't destroy when I dig it out with a spoon.

 Remember that batter that was just too runny because of its missing ingredient? It turns out that while I couldn't bake it, this batter fried up nicely. I was surprised to find that the answer was to simply turn up the heat. The dough expanded once it made contact with the hot oil. Baking it at 400 F then drying it out at a lower temperature just didn't work. 

Similarly, sometimes I grow most and produce best in life when I've got a bit of a fire lit underneath me. Sometimes we need a bit of extra pressure to reach higher and achieve greater things.

And that second, smaller batch I whipped up? After adding the extra step of putting it in the fridge before finishing the recipe's instructions, I got the delicious results expected. Sometimes in life we've got to just chill. We may already have what we need but be too worked up to make the best of what we've got.

And this isn't just baking talk.

Choose your filling

If you've had the pleasure to watch the episode of The Great British Bake-off, you'll know that there are all kinds of options for flavoring and filling eclairs. Even when limited by your needs, taste preferences, and available ingredients, you're likely still left with several options. There might be more than one "right choice" for you. Different flavors are more satisfying to different people. So find something that leaves you feeling filled. Again this isn't just baking talk.

Ready for the recipe?

My vegan adaptation of Glutenista's eclairs with one extra step can be found here: https://www.kitchenstewardship.com/gluten-dairy-free-pastry/

Healthy Comfort Food

As a recovered anorexic now struggling with food allergies, I am very aware of my relationship with food. I am keenly attuned to how food makes me feel, both physically and emotionally. I read what science tells me is good and then look inside myself (sometimes almost literally,) to see if such “health” is a universal truth. For example, my balanced diet doesn’t exactly include all the food groups.



It can feel isolating to swim through the online world of healthy living with my baggage of
“skinny problems”:

While most people are counting calories to avoid excess, I find myself tracking whether I got enough calories to maintain or even gain weight. (Being a stay at home mom, one can burn a lot of calories just doing housework!)

If I drink 64 oz of water daily, I often feel bloated and unable to eat enough.

Because I already have a laundry list of forbidden foods, I fear that completely eliminating sugar would leave me with nothing left to eat.

When I find a cardio exercise program I enjoy, I usually have to restrain myself from participating fully; otherwise, I probably won’t be able to increase my caloric intake enough to keep up with the calories I am burning.

I don’t say these things out of pity. I am being vulnerable here because:

1. Contrary to what most people tell me, being skinny is NOT easy and doesn’t automatically mean I am healthy!
2. Every time I open up about my skinny problems I find a new resource or friend who has similar struggles.

Come on over to Kitchen Stewardship to take a peek into my world to see what hypoallergenic, healthy food looks like and if there’s room for comfort food! Hint: healthy comfort food is NOT an oxymoron. Go read about the secret to healthy (tailored to your specific needs) comfort (feels good) food for any type of diet!

Going to Yale? Guess Not Yet

A few short weeks ago I received a rejection letter from Yale's School of Music. Initially my husband and I wondered if this decision stemmed from a missing letter of recommendation. I sent a request for confirmation at the urging of several friends who expressed more frustration and sorrow than I've yet to feel about it. I am surprisingly at peace not knowing what future projects await me. I did receive a courteous and personal response that very day, assuring me that my recordings were judged even though I was missing a letter of recommendation (I emailed the recommender in question and he says he sent it, but maybe it was sent too late for consideration and therefore marked as un-received?)

If you'd like to listen to my audition recordings I have uploaded some of the recordings to a playlist. This playlist will continue to grow.

Philippians 4:6 has several different translations and I find them all illustrative.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. (NIV)

Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. (KJV)

[a]Be nothing careful, but in all things let your requests be showed unto God in prayer and supplication with [b]giving of thanks. (1599 Geneva Bible)

Footnotes:
Philippians 4:6 The third is, that we be not too careful for anything, but with sure confidence give God thanks, and crave of him whatsoever we have need of, that with a quiet conscience we may wholly and with all our hearts submit ourselves to him.
Philippians 4:6 So David began very oft with tears, but ended with thanksgiving.

I love finding links between anxiety and prayer in the scriptures. I have always had a testimony of prayer and that has helped to soften my depression and anxiety even in the worst of times. But my testimony didn't prevent these trials. So I needed to deepen my understanding.

The Light of Hope

In the past couple of days I've testified multiple times of feeling hopeful and lighter in every sense of the word. 

Just hours before my brother's arrive home from a full-time mission, I had a beautiful lunch with the two sister missionaries here. We watched the press conference announcing the new first presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. While several questions were asked and answers were given, what I'll remember most are the promptings I received and the wonderful discussion and testimony sharing I enjoyed this afternoon. We discussed the tangible (and intangible) blessings of the sacrifices made by those we love and most especially the Atonement of the One Who Loved Most. I felt His peace and forgiveness today and I thank those who helped to make it happen. #sharegoodness #grateful #PrinceofPeace #tone

Isaiah 40:31 "But those who wait for the LORD will renew their strength. They will mount up with wings like eagles. They will run and not be weary, they will walk and not be faint." #soap #sharegoodness#goodthingscometothosethatwait

When we are overwhelmed and disappointed that "all we can do" is obviously not enough, the Lord can and will bear us up as on eagle's wings. This goes beyond rekindling our hope; he promises to grant us strength to keep going! I never realized the second half of this promise.

How Can I Keep from Singing?

I kind of want to go to grad school still. I like Yale's Early and Sacred Music program best but their graduate school just rejected me. I have learned from the year of preparation and will continue to sing and sing well.

On the one hand I feel more free to pursue other interests now. But I also have less extrinsic motivation to continue with my music. I pray the Lord will inspire me to find reasons to keep challenging myself and to continue to grow in my abilities as a singer so that I can better deliver the messages He has placed within me. 

I feel like the verse in Isaiah is saying don't worry and don't be too hasty to take action. Just stand still and let God take care of it, because you have done and are doing all you can (whether it be the future of my master's degree, the possibility of getting pregnant, or whatever else 2018 has to offer.)

The atonement of Jesus Christ has truly lifted me up on eagles wings.

This Is Me: An Anthem

Confession: I still haven’t seen that new movie, The Greatest Showman. (Nothing against the movie itself; we just rarely go to the theater to watch movies for the first time because it’s much cheaper to rent them and I don’t get migraines that way.)

But like much of the world I have listened to pieces of the soundtrack on repeat.

There are a lot of covers already popping up all over the place and one song in particular caught my ear and my heart. “This is Me” is an anthem of self acceptance and inclusion, a message for the world. But as I listened to several versions (click here to listen to my two favorites,) I heard undertones of a different message.

If I did a music video of this piece It would show a black and white picture of me and then the words would start to pop up. Not the lyrics, but the messages of darkness that sometimes taint my soul: You’re not good enough, etc. It would be something of a mom guilt anthem, of a woman seeking and desperately grasping onto her life’s purpose.

Somewhere on Youtube I watched an interview where the director and lead actors realized that this song would be “an anthem.” I really love that. But the anthem that I hear isn’t one of accepting my faults and confidently telling the world that I’m okay with these imperfections, perceived and otherwise. 

The song in my soul sings a slightly different tune.

I know I have labels that aren’t true; but in the moment, they feel true enough to stick. I know I have imperfections that make me who I am today; but in this song I hear the message of Christ: Come unto Christ and be perfected in him.

I find the acceptance the movie testifies of by knowing who I am yes. But that knowledge comes from my Heavenly Father who sent his son, Jesus Christ to live and die for me. And for you.

Here is what I hear when life's music starts to play:

I am not a stranger to the dark

Hide away, they say,

'Cause we don't want your broken parts.

I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars.

Run away, they say.

No one'll love you as you are.

But I won't let them break me down to dust

I know that there's a place for us

For we are glorious.

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

[Got to shine your light to] drown them out.

[Christ the Lord came to save

So I could be all] I'm meant to be: 

[He saved me.]

Look out 'cause here I come (here I come)

[There’s a place for all in the Lord’s kingdom

Christ the Lord came to save

So we could be all we’re] meant to be: 

[He saved me.]

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Oh-oh-oh-oh 

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Oh-oh-oh-oh 

Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh

Another round of bullets hits my skin

Well, fire away 'cause today, I won't let the shame sink in.

We are bursting through the barricades and

Reaching for the [Son] (we are warriors)

Yeah, that's what we've become (yeah, that's what we've become)

[Repent from sin we must.]

I know that there's a place for us,

For we are glorious. 

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

[I feel your love and it drowns] them out.

[Christ the Lord came to save

So I could be all] I'm meant to be: 

[He saved me.]

[Someday again He’ll come

And with grace He’ll rule in His kingdom.

Christ the Lord came to save

So we could be all we’re] meant to be, [set us free.]

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Oh-oh-oh-oh (He saved me…)

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Oh-oh-oh-oh (He set us free....)

Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

[I will shine your light and] drown them out.

[Christ the Lord came to save

So I could be all] I'm meant to be: [He saved me.]

Positive Parenting Solutions Review

I recently participated in a FREE one hour Positive Parenting Solutions webinar. As a recovering pessimist, I must admit it made me less of a skeptic. Amy McCready is a business professional who took her experiences creating training programs for Fortune 500 to create a positive parenting paradigm shift with her two teenage boys. Though she used to nag and raise her voice, she’s now the creator of Positive Parenting Solutions.

I invite you to try it if you’re at all interested: https://www.positiveparentingsolutions.com/new-free-webinars. I also want to tell you what I learned in hopes that it may help you.

Why kids really misbehave (based on Adlerian Psychology): Kids have a hard-wired need for attention and power.

I understand and believe in this concept. Think about it. Think about what it means.

If mealtime has become a power struggle for you, Katie of Kitchen Stewardship has some sanity-saving tips in her webinar. She'll tell you not to be a short order cook, but here's a post about a guilt-free adaptation to that sound parenting advice.

Going into the Positive Parenting Solutions Webinar

I hoped the solutions from this webinar would allow for soften-spoken, repeated reminders. (My child cannot tell time so she still needs reminders sometimes.) As a singer I am very careful to avoid shouting and harsh tones. My husband and I try at all costs to avoid giving attention to negative behaviors; we always have. But I know we toe the line between nagging and accountability.
Throughout the beginning of the presentation I felt like she was preaching to the choir. Due to parenting adaptations made in the past year, I was pleasantly surprised to notice that we have been practicing “positive parenting” at our house. Rather than feeling like I could tune out, I thought of new and deeper applications for the principles that rang true to me.

Know the Bitter to Know the Sweet

I know that misbehavior isn’t limited by age. Both my personality and my child’s have characteristics that fuel our power struggles. I know I am prone to lecturing and am overly sensitive to changes in body language and tone of voice. My child and I are both still learning to negotiate her two need buckets: Attention and Power.

Photo shamelessly recreated from webinar slides

Our family's vicious cycle looks different than the stairway of ask, remind, repeat, and escalate in one key way: We rarely have the adult tantrums at the end of the stairway. Instead we have inconsistent flare ups of wrong behavior on both sides.

It took me a year to rid myself of consistently feeling overwhelmed as a parent. (If you regularly care for children and are never overwhelmed, send me a message so I can learn your ways.) Part of the solution was therapy for my other life challenges; part of it was having a kindergartner instead of a toddler. My now 6 year old regularly tells us after (and sometimes during) her frustration meltdowns that she doesn’t feel in control of her life or listened to. We calmly tell her that we were purposely ignoring her rudeness and invite her to use a kinder, clearer tone. We point out what we think she was trying to communicate and that by choosing X she also chose Y. I'm still working to reinforce my faith in our inherent goodness and ability to make right choices.

Are Time Outs Ever Okay?

For us they are.

Banishment to her bedroom aka Time Out happens when my daughter's behavior turns violent. And yes, sometimes this happens even when it's not a power struggle. Rather than have a melt down myself, this less-stressed mama goes to her own barricaded bedroom. After the stewing and occasional power struggling is disengaged, we talk. I would add that getting on the same page with my husband has made a huge difference in this area (his strength, my weakness.)

1-2-3, Trust in Me

Amy discouraged counting down, but we do it a bit differently. We count down with whole numbers to let our daughter (and other children we regularly care for) know the difference between an on-time choice and one that will cost privileges. For example, if she gets ready for the day quickly she has time to play before catching the school bus. This is something we hope to age out of eventually. In meantime, I stick to this using this real life math problem.

We have chosen as a family natural (sometimes enhanced) consequences for frequent negative behaviors. This concept is at the core of the Love and Logic Philosophy. It also makes counting down a less emotional experience.

When it comes to bribery, I do occasionally reward my daughter and Sunday School students for good behavior, just as a reward myself. A treat after lunch because we survived a long morning of running errands. A class party at my house. Because it's not consistent it's not expected, and the moment such rewards felt like rights they would disappear.

Left: Enjoying Mommy-Daughter Date to the deli downstairs after a hectic yet productive morning.

5 R’s of rock-star consequences (adapted from Jane Nelsen, Ed. D and H. Stephen Glenn, Ph. D)

1. RESPECTFUL to all involved
2. RELATED to the misbehavior (see the Love and Logic curriculum)
3. REASONABLE in duration
4. REVEALED IN ADVANCE

• State the concern or problem. “I’ve noticed that we’re having issues with...”
• State the expected behavior in the form of a choice.
• Reveal the consequence: “I’m sure we won’t have an issue with this, but if you choose___ then ____.”

5. REPEATED BACK TO YOU

• Won’t repeat back? Not mature enough for that privilege.

Bottom line

This webinar was a great diagnostic tool for me. It was a taste test for a particular flavor of a large toolbox for parenting. I was more receptive to the ideas presented than I have been in the past. I was able to find what already works for me and learn new things.

The best new thing I learned is to acknowledge a poor choice with, “I am sorry for your choice, and I have confidence that you’ll choose wisely next time.”

How do you inspire confidence in those around you? What about confidence in yourself?

Not Me: Learning from Life's Challenges

Have you ever thought, "It couldn't happen to me"? Comment below and let me know!

Sometimes it is great to think this way instead of walking around paranoid about everything. But it's also a dangerous because it can limit your ability to feel empathy and it sets you up to be blindsided occasionally.

I remember when we got head lice and it ended up being the type that's resistant to the pesticide in over the counter treatments. When dealing with lice you want guaranteed results and this was one of those sad times when even doing everything right didn't stop everything from going wrong!

This is the exact size of a nit. That's a baby louse still in its egg, glued to my daughter's hair.

This super lice kept going around at church and at school for months, but after advice from a professional nit picker we learned how to stay safe. I fell into the trap of thinking we were immune. Until that fateful Christmas Eve when I hugged my daughter after dinner and saw a live bug in her fine blonde hair!

We cancelled our Christmas vacation and spent the evening singing carols while shaving the baby's head and nit combing through 3 girl's hair! And then our own. My husband went to the local drugstore and bought 5 bottles of Cetaphil facewash so we could shrink wrap and suffocate anything we missed.

While I was overly disappointed about our cancelled plans and having to scramble to make the holidays fun while being quarantined, I learned something: I am not invincible, so sometimes a challenge really is too big for me to handle alone. But I can still do hard things. 

Hindsight has a way of sweetening life's sour moments so we can learn important lessons. Whether it's battling an eating disorder or super lice, I have learned to beware of thinking "It could never happen to me."

Read more at Kitchen Stewardship... And please tell me what you do to cultivate empathy.

How Losing My Voice Helped Me Find Myself: My Battle with Anorexia

I'm all about celebrating anniversaries with delicious treats and new ideas. In addition to celebrating the submission of my grad school application, this Thanksgiving was special because I gratefully celebrated 11 years since I nearly stopped eating all together.

Some of you may have experienced being too tired or stressed to eat because of the flu or even depression. But for most of us, thankfully, we get over it. 3 months into college I almost didn't.

When I was diagnosed with anorexia, I was in denial. Once I finally recognized it, I still didn't realize that it was serious. While I've admitted my past to some friends and gotten the medical attention I needed, I've never written down the story. Til now.

My depression began with avoiding surgery. I spent the first 3 months of my freshman year at BYU-Idaho as an almost mute: No humming, no singing, and very little talking. All while still taking classes as a music major!

I eventually found my voice and successfully sang
my way through graduation.

Because college is a time to learn time management skills, study hard, and figure out who you are, I was doing all of that. The problem was, I was doing all of that with my key identifying characteristics stripped away. It was exhausting physically and emotionally.

College did not begin at all like I expected. In fact, the longer I live the more the lessons I've had in finding beauty in the unexpected.

There are some things that I hold onto in life so tightly, as though I could guarantee certain outcomes. Even if I have other reasons, I usually do whatever it takes to get what I want from life. I see it a lot in my diet, in the way I parenting, and even when I sing. Is that so bad?

Sometimes I get so anxious about arriving at my final destination that I forget the importance of  travelling well. How we get somewhere often affects where we end up.

I think it is important to be aware of who and where you are before you can focus on where you want to go.

As a daughter of God I never thought that I would develop an eating disorder. Because I viewed my body as a gift from Him and my parents, I generally treated it that way. Until I didn't.

I took it for granted that I was healthy but stopped going through the motions that were keeping me healthy. The worst part wasn't the loss of self-love; it was that was too numb to notice.

Join me over at kitchenstewardship.com as I open up about this trial and share the precious lessons I've learned due to increased self awareness. I think all of us could discover and solve problems within ourselves with a healthy dose of self awareness.