Perfection Pending: Learning From Life's Broken Moments

This morning at the bus stop Victoria told me, "I don't like it when you talk like that." I asked her whether she was referring to my use of the adjective broken or my tone of voice and she without looking at me she replied, "Both."

Disclaimer: While I try to only apply the label broken to myself, it sometimes is one I use in front of my daughter when we are both upset so that one or both of us are knowingly thinking thoughts and making choices that don't serve us. 

"You know the scriptures use the word broken so I'm okay with using it but I will try to only ever use it in a pleasant, calm tone of voice." 

Second disclaimer: In the future I will try to never use broken to describe anyone since there are similar labels that can serve us better. More on that in a minute.

I feel like the word broken is offensive to many people. But God requires us to be broken. How many times in the scriptures do we read the phrase "a broken heart and a contrite spirit"? It turns out that brokenness is involved before getting into heaven so my dear sweet daughter, please don't be offended if I use broken to describe either of us. There are so many things that can be broken about us. But that doesn't mean that it's permanent or that we're somehow inferior. It means that we're in a position to realize just how much we need God! Brokenness will be my companion and yours in this life but when we recognize it as the opportunity for God's grace to change us, in that moment we are becoming unbroken and saved beings.

Evidence of The Fall

If you're feeling uncomfortable with the word broken consider these similar thoughts from my dear friend Summer Harper:
I think it's a cool concept and it actually made me think of a similar word which is also scriptural but would maybe serve me personally better: fallen. We're in a "fallen world" and we have these fallen, less-than bodies. But I don't think it does the emotional heart-wrenching of broken... I never thought of the word broken. I see where it's in the scriptures. I think that before meditating on it, it isn't a word that serves me but it's cool that it serves you. As for telling it to a child, I would make sure not that they don't just simply understand it but that they can see it and understand it from the perspective of the scriptures. But as far as my kids and using the word broken, they're going to think "worthless and not good." Because when a toy breaks we through it away. We get rid of it [because] we don't keep broken things. At least, that's the way we've structured our home and the way I think they would first thing of it. And fallen isn't a word my kids would associate with anything else so I could teach them that principle. And even if they may not grasp it at first, they're not going to associate it with something else that's commonly used [in a negative way.] 

The last time I intuitively ate lunch: apple and cheese
quesadilla on GF spinach wrap with GF chicken nuggets.

I am broken and fallen. I've been feeling less broken in that I am overcoming my battles with anxiety and depression; and I feel hopeful that our secondary infertility is not meant to be a permanent battle. But I am broken because intuitive eating is something that doesn't consistently exist in my world. While I wouldn't say that I have anorexia anymore, I would say that I am currently suffering from "disordered eating" as some therapists call it. And it makes it hard to take care of my body. But I still try to love my body. I'm not not eating because I'm self conscious about the shape or weight of my body. I'm not eating because I don't know how to process the stimuli around me. I am making food a lower priority because there are more pressing things on my mind right now, so my fallen body refuses to let me prepare, eat, or otherwise enjoyably digest food. And that makes me feel broken. And I'm okay with that.

It's not something I'm going to accept lying down and not doing anything about. But I am accepting of it. Which is the first step in being able to choose to change. This also allows me to continue living a life that's worth living! I have the choice to not stay fallen but rather be lifted by the grace of God as I try to make better choices and rise above any less-than-ideal circumstances.

Redeemed by Grace

When people are thinking and acting in ways that don't serve themselves or anyone else, I can still believe in their potential for perfection. Their lives are worth living and if they're not living up to their potential that is between them and God. I too have the potential to be perfect! Speaking as the scriptures do, we all liven in a fallen world with fallen bodies. "For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive." 1 Corinthians 15:22 "For Adam fell that men might be; and men are that they might have joy." 2 Nephi 2:25.

Let me give you a few more examples of perfection-pending moments from my life.

Feeling Frustration

I feel like my daughter doesn't get frustrated often but when she does, it's often a big deal because she doesn't know how to process it and isn't open to suggestions. In those moments especially, I feel like I'm failing her as a mom when I see her failing to work through her emotions. But I need to remember that that's. Her. Choice. It is perfectly fine for me to leave the room when she's screaming and crying, so that I can hang on to my sanity and positive vibrations. I would like to eventually learn how to model other ways of working through uncomfortable feelings for when you cannot leave but for now, we're both still in our emotional childhood, learning and growing together. So of course emotional moments are going to feel messy and big.

Me nearly 8 years ago, waiting to give birth to my daughter

Summer suggested in response to my desire to learn other ways of processing uncomfortable emotions when you can't leave to think of it like the labor and delivery of a child. That is something the really resonated with me and was a connection I immediately made to her initial thoughts but one that she made for herself later on in our conversation. "That's when you simply feel it. You don't have to do a model on it. You just sit there and feel it and it feels like whatever emotion...and you can close your eyes if you want. Kind of like when you're in labor! You can't avoid it. You're experiencing it but you need to just feel it and let it process, you know?"

Learning from Acceptance

In the midst of writing these realizations my phone went off to let me know that it's lunch time and I thought, "Oh really? Because I'm still finishing breakfast. Hmm, I guess it's going to be one of those days." I found myself in a conversation with myself.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean one of those I-am-still-finishing-breakfast-but-I-guess-I'll-start-lunch-now kind of days."

I didn't beat myself up for losing track of time to the point of not noticing my body's needs. I also didn't deny that it's wrong to starve myself. Instead of there being any judgement, negativity, or guilt there was acceptance. And that's a beautiful new thing for me. I could then move onto thoughts like, "Well, I'm still feeling tired and hungry and a bit unmotivated. Okay, well let's do something about that."

In conclusion I offer us this pearl of wisdom from Patricia T. Holland: "We must have the courage to be imperfect while striving for perfection."

What evidences of the Fall are you working with in your life and how are you doing that?