Perfection Pending: Learning From Life's Broken Moments

This morning at the bus stop Victoria told me, "I don't like it when you talk like that." I asked her whether she was referring to my use of the adjective broken or my tone of voice and she without looking at me she replied, "Both."

Disclaimer: While I try to only apply the label broken to myself, it sometimes is one I use in front of my daughter when we are both upset so that one or both of us are knowingly thinking thoughts and making choices that don't serve us. 

"You know the scriptures use the word broken so I'm okay with using it but I will try to only ever use it in a pleasant, calm tone of voice." 

Second disclaimer: In the future I will try to never use broken to describe anyone since there are similar labels that can serve us better. More on that in a minute.

I feel like the word broken is offensive to many people. But God requires us to be broken. How many times in the scriptures do we read the phrase "a broken heart and a contrite spirit"? It turns out that brokenness is involved before getting into heaven so my dear sweet daughter, please don't be offended if I use broken to describe either of us. There are so many things that can be broken about us. But that doesn't mean that it's permanent or that we're somehow inferior. It means that we're in a position to realize just how much we need God! Brokenness will be my companion and yours in this life but when we recognize it as the opportunity for God's grace to change us, in that moment we are becoming unbroken and saved beings.

Evidence of The Fall

If you're feeling uncomfortable with the word broken consider these similar thoughts from my dear friend Summer Harper:
I think it's a cool concept and it actually made me think of a similar word which is also scriptural but would maybe serve me personally better: fallen. We're in a "fallen world" and we have these fallen, less-than bodies. But I don't think it does the emotional heart-wrenching of broken... I never thought of the word broken. I see where it's in the scriptures. I think that before meditating on it, it isn't a word that serves me but it's cool that it serves you. As for telling it to a child, I would make sure not that they don't just simply understand it but that they can see it and understand it from the perspective of the scriptures. But as far as my kids and using the word broken, they're going to think "worthless and not good." Because when a toy breaks we through it away. We get rid of it [because] we don't keep broken things. At least, that's the way we've structured our home and the way I think they would first thing of it. And fallen isn't a word my kids would associate with anything else so I could teach them that principle. And even if they may not grasp it at first, they're not going to associate it with something else that's commonly used [in a negative way.] 

The last time I intuitively ate lunch: apple and cheese
quesadilla on GF spinach wrap with GF chicken nuggets.

I am broken and fallen. I've been feeling less broken in that I am overcoming my battles with anxiety and depression; and I feel hopeful that our secondary infertility is not meant to be a permanent battle. But I am broken because intuitive eating is something that doesn't consistently exist in my world. While I wouldn't say that I have anorexia anymore, I would say that I am currently suffering from "disordered eating" as some therapists call it. And it makes it hard to take care of my body. But I still try to love my body. I'm not not eating because I'm self conscious about the shape or weight of my body. I'm not eating because I don't know how to process the stimuli around me. I am making food a lower priority because there are more pressing things on my mind right now, so my fallen body refuses to let me prepare, eat, or otherwise enjoyably digest food. And that makes me feel broken. And I'm okay with that.

It's not something I'm going to accept lying down and not doing anything about. But I am accepting of it. Which is the first step in being able to choose to change. This also allows me to continue living a life that's worth living! I have the choice to not stay fallen but rather be lifted by the grace of God as I try to make better choices and rise above any less-than-ideal circumstances.

Redeemed by Grace

When people are thinking and acting in ways that don't serve themselves or anyone else, I can still believe in their potential for perfection. Their lives are worth living and if they're not living up to their potential that is between them and God. I too have the potential to be perfect! Speaking as the scriptures do, we all liven in a fallen world with fallen bodies. "For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive." 1 Corinthians 15:22 "For Adam fell that men might be; and men are that they might have joy." 2 Nephi 2:25.

Let me give you a few more examples of perfection-pending moments from my life.

Feeling Frustration

I feel like my daughter doesn't get frustrated often but when she does, it's often a big deal because she doesn't know how to process it and isn't open to suggestions. In those moments especially, I feel like I'm failing her as a mom when I see her failing to work through her emotions. But I need to remember that that's. Her. Choice. It is perfectly fine for me to leave the room when she's screaming and crying, so that I can hang on to my sanity and positive vibrations. I would like to eventually learn how to model other ways of working through uncomfortable feelings for when you cannot leave but for now, we're both still in our emotional childhood, learning and growing together. So of course emotional moments are going to feel messy and big.

Me nearly 8 years ago, waiting to give birth to my daughter

Summer suggested in response to my desire to learn other ways of processing uncomfortable emotions when you can't leave to think of it like the labor and delivery of a child. That is something the really resonated with me and was a connection I immediately made to her initial thoughts but one that she made for herself later on in our conversation. "That's when you simply feel it. You don't have to do a model on it. You just sit there and feel it and it feels like whatever emotion...and you can close your eyes if you want. Kind of like when you're in labor! You can't avoid it. You're experiencing it but you need to just feel it and let it process, you know?"

Learning from Acceptance

In the midst of writing these realizations my phone went off to let me know that it's lunch time and I thought, "Oh really? Because I'm still finishing breakfast. Hmm, I guess it's going to be one of those days." I found myself in a conversation with myself.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean one of those I-am-still-finishing-breakfast-but-I-guess-I'll-start-lunch-now kind of days."

I didn't beat myself up for losing track of time to the point of not noticing my body's needs. I also didn't deny that it's wrong to starve myself. Instead of there being any judgement, negativity, or guilt there was acceptance. And that's a beautiful new thing for me. I could then move onto thoughts like, "Well, I'm still feeling tired and hungry and a bit unmotivated. Okay, well let's do something about that."

In conclusion I offer us this pearl of wisdom from Patricia T. Holland: "We must have the courage to be imperfect while striving for perfection."

What evidences of the Fall are you working with in your life and how are you doing that?

68 Days until General Conference!

Does anyone else periodically flick through their journal? I have one spiral bound notebook I use to take notes during Sunday meetings, daily gospel study, and especially general conference. While living in Illinois I took the Teachings of the Living Prophets course each time it was offered. The first part of the course gives guidelines for how to prepare for and then study general conference so we can not just "go to conference" but have conference go through us! Each 6 months the class changed because we studied new talks. One of the study skills I learned here was a reminder of something Elder David A. Bednar taught at the Rexburg Idaho temple dedication. He said that while it is a good and common practice to go to the temple with a question, it is even better to go to the temple asking the Lord to help us discover what one question He would have us ask. So I bring my questions and concerns to general conference but also keep a prayer in my heart that my one new question will be revealed. I also mark specific talks or partial quotes and scriptures that I feel I need to restudy for more general reasons.

As I was reviewing my notes from this past general conference I noticed that while I did a good job coming up with pondering questions and concerns then marking talks and impressions that addressed them, I also wrote down and marked goals in the margins. The problems is that of my 13 goals I have only consciously worked on half of them and only completed four. I haven't really been holding myself accountable for most of these goals and it's only 68 days until the next one! 

Goals

1. You're doing great but keep focusing on ways to be a missionary by worshiping and witnessing of Christ. (Elder Bangeter's talk)
2. I need to repair and maintain my eternal relationships as a mother, daughter, and sister. (Elder Oak's talk)
3. Eat your spiritual vegetables by losing yourself in ministering to others. (Elder D. Todd Christofferson)
4. Study all of President Nelson's past general conference talks like Bishop Davies did.
5. Accomplished goal: Have a FHE complete with chocolate cake to review Sister Franco's talk about serving the Lord without reservation.
6. Accomplished goal: Fast from social media and negative influences for 10 days, recording inspiration and priority shifts.
7. Accomplished goal: Read the Book of Mormon before the end of the year, highlighting references to Christ and being more intentional in talking of and rejoicing in Christ.
8. Go to the temple monthly!
9. Enjoy Relief Society more by studying its purpose statement; try writing your own. (the final of President Nelson's four challenges)
10. Improve all ministering aspects of my life by walking into the moment in love and listening without judgement (thought work/therapy really helps with this.)
11. Heal/tend to any scars that are corroding my peace.
12. In addition to prophetically prescribed Book of Mormon study, read Joseph Smith's testimony of the book to help more fully be a part of the gathering of Israel. (Elder Bowen's talk)
13. Accomplished goal (at Christmas): Ponder Christ's miracles to increase you faith in Him.

So I have only consciously worked on 7 out of these 13 goals in the past 3 months! While I completed goal number seven was inspired my sister, Lizzy's Facebook post reporting on her experiences and completion of President Nelson's Book of Mormon challenge. Now I want to try reading the Book of Mormon before we move and write a sticky note for each chapter of ways I came to know my Savior better. This will also help me be more committed to my Book of Mormon Institute class readings.

Talks to restudy

President Nelson's closing remarks and Saturday evening talk
Sister Joy J. Jones' talk
Elder D. Todd Christofferson's talk on double-mindedness
Elder Rasband's promised blessings (I reread this the morning of my Grandpa Eaton's funeral because that's where my bookmark was in reviewing the talks one by one.

Scriptures to Study

D&C 138
"the cause of Christ"
Future FHE: What does it mean to take upon us the name of Christ?
Future FHE lesson on "what do you fear?" (see Elder Rasband's talk)

My pondering questions and concerns were:

1. How can I have more compassion in my family and in my calling in Primary?
2. How can we improve the consistency of our fHE habits?
3. How can we better missionaries?
4. Where should we go when we are done with our post doc? Stay or go? How and when?
5. How can we grow our family? On a related note, how do I improve my immediate and long-term health?

How to be a Great Gospel Teacher: Lessons Learned From My Father

Step one: Become a great gospel learner. 

Step two: recognize the difference between learning and teaching (hint: it's more subtle than you may think according to Elder Bednar.)

Two Things to Remember When Teaching Children About The Gospel
First, it's is the most important thing you can teach your child because it is part of keeping them alive! And second, children learn best by example. Even if you feel like you are going through the motions or doing things just for show, everyone involved will eventually learn to hear the music of the gospel if their "normal" is a constant view of its dance steps (bonus points for recognizing the General conference reference!) If you love going to the temple or General Conference and make those experiences a priority, you're well one your way. Everything can somehow relate to the gospel, so be on the look out for prime teaching moments; they happen more often than you realize!

That said, something important I've learned in dealing with toddlers young and old is to remember what Elder S. Mark Palmer so recently taught: "No teaching or learning will ever occur when done in frustration or anger, and hearts will not change where love is not present." Learning to recognize your child's frustrated signs and give them the tools to recognize and remove their frustration (a masking mixture of emotions) will help both of you learn and teach better. Giving them the tools they need may involve learning your own frustration triggers and finding ways to effectively mediate them. It's another life process that is learned by doing :)

So what are my secrets?
1. Family Home Evening. Have it and have it weekly. Always have a gospel lesson suited to the needs and attention spans of your family members and try to have it on a day other than the Sabbath. The lesson should be more than just scripture study. With really young-in-the-gospel audiences I've found it helpful to review or preview that week's Primary lesson. There are also several blogs I follow that given me great inspiration: Pinning with Purpose and We Talk of Christ to name a couple.

2. Twice-a-day Family Prayers. 

http://www.jeankeatonart.com/store/for-such-is-the-kingdom/family-prayer/

What better way to teach children about God and His gospel than to talk with Him? As we improve our own personal prayers and invite them to do the same, children may learn the nuances between food prayers, break the fast prayers, ordinance prayers, etc.

3. Daily family scripture study. I am a firm believer that children should hear the written word in its purest form as well as study the scriptures in a way that meets their own needs. to that end we study the scriptures two or three different ways each day: 1 page of the Book of Mormon at breakfast (or at dinner if some of us sleep in), telling of scripture stories in everyday language but with key doctrines underscored by quoted verses (this especially worked well for the first 3 years of bedtime), listening to Scripture Scouts (another bedtime routine and one that I grew up with), and reading through all of the illustrated Children's readers again and again.

All these things I have learned in my youth from parents who used well the gifts of the spirit as given to them. The Holy Ghost has taught me countless applications for the teachings of the prophets as taught to me by my parents. Happy Father's Day Dad!